Are you bored of listening to the same old songs, saying the same old things? Or maybe you’re bored of all the new songs, where the lyrics don’t seem to ever offer anything new? Don’t worry. I have just the thing for you.
Presenting, for the first time ever, my 100% proven and patented method for improving any pop song. Simply take any of the common pop song words from the left column of the table below, and replace it with the word on the right. The more words you replace, the better the song will be, guaranteed.
Please share below, in the comments, the songs you’ve improved with this groundbreaking method. Please also send payment by postal order or cheque to my home address.
| Replace… | With… | Examples |
|---|---|---|
| Heart | Arse | Total Eclipse of the Arse by Bonnie Tyler My Arse Will Go On by Celine Dion Open Your Arse To Me by Madonna |
| You | Hugh | Hugh And Me Song by the Wannadies She Loves Hugh (Yeah Yeah Yeah) by the Beatles Hugh Stole The Sun From My Arse by the Manic Street Preachers |
| Dance | Prance | Let’s Prance by David Bowie Prance the Night Away by the Mavericks The Safety Prance by Men Without Hats |
| Die | Pie | Pie Another Day by Madonna Live and Let Pie by Wings Never Say Pie (Give Me a Little Bit More) by Cliff Richard |
| Night | Fight | December 1963 (Oh What a Fight) by the Four Seasons Boogie Fights by Heatwave Saturday Fight by Whigfield |
7 comments on “Improving songs: a how-to guide”
Kev and I used to sing that Madonna wanted, “EYES! Another day.” It wasn’t ever really funny but we still did it. We went to the cinema to see the film and laughed at how stupid an invisible car was.
It was probably the worst Bond film, and could only have been improved with the addition of pies.
Let’s be honest, most bond films are crap, but that one takes some sort of manky biscuit. You know, like that odd currents one you find in the bottom of the biscuit tin long after all the nice biscuits have gone.
One that’s covered in crumbs from other biscuits, and isn’t crunchy any more, and has some edges missing. One of those. That’s what that film is.
Whereas I’d rate Casino Royale as a nice fresh fig roll straight from the packet.
I found Casino Royale to be a bit rich tea biscuit; bland with very little to show for it. And don’t even get me started on Bontum of Qualice.
Where do we stand on Skyfall? I’m going to say it was a bourbon cream. Not the best biscuit, and actually quite a predictable biscuit, but an enjoyable biscuit nonetheless.
I ate up Skyfall like it was two Orios with a milk chocolate digestive in the middle for good measure.