WHOOSH!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another edition of Late Night Beans. Now I know what you’re all thinking, “what are you still doing here, Tad Kensington, when your Netflix special is still in the number one spot and you’ve got business talks planned through most of the UK for the rest of the year?” Firstly, that’s a long thought, and secondly, you need to get out more!
(Audience laughs)
I say it, but I don’t mean it!
(Audience laughs a little louder)
Nah, I love being here with all of you. I really look forward to getting up each day and getting out to where the heart of the people is; every evening right here in front of all of you, unlike where the heart of the people is around 4pm which is everyone counting down the last hour before going home, am I right?
(Cheers and laughter from the audience)
The news has been awful this week, just plain awful. I woke up on Tuesday morning and apparently there are far too many lampposts in the UK. Local authorities are making plans to tear down at least 30% of them in order to cutback on energy costs. This of course follows the recent court case where Jacob Brantford sued Brentford Council because he walked into a lamppost when stumbling home after a night on the lash and claimed it violated his civil rights. I don’t think we can say the future looks brighter with idiots like this in charge.
(A few loud, “yeahs!” and a ripple of applause from the audience)
We have a lot to get through today. This evening is well stacked like the start of a game of Jenga. We have lifestyle specialist and all round good egg Jemima Armspace to tell you where you might be going wrong with your diet and why eating figs may prove to be the key to success. Joseph Puccini is out promoting his latest blockbuster film, ‘Lazerblade 2: the reprisal’, which has already received rave reviews despite filming only starting last week. Margot Linchpin wants you to get involved with her social media awareness campaign about the dangers of chin biscuits and we have local band The Brainfillers to end the show with their new single ‘I want your kidneys’.
(Audience applauds)
I know, I know, I told you we had a lot to get through! I wasn’t lying! You love it though and I love bringing it here for you which is why this is the perfect relationship but buy me dinner first before we get too intimate.
(Audience laughs)
Right onto our first guest!
11 comments on “Late Night Beans with Tad Kensington”
I think more chat shows should open with a big “whoosh” noise. Forget opening titles and music. Just a nice big whooshing sound to kick things off. That’s how you get a party started. Not for nothing is it step one of Tad Kensington’s Unique Process.
The whoosh indicates you’re in for something special. We were toying between the idea of a proper noise or me saying it as loudly as I could. In the end, they couldn’t stop me. I uttered the eternal phrase, “leave it to me, I’ve got this” and that’s how you make history.
I still don’t know whether it was a proper noise or just you saying it loudly, but I like that it remains ambiguous. Keep them coming back for more. Not for nothing is that step two of Tad Kensington’s Unique Process.
They’ll come back for more because they’ll want more WHOOSH action. You’ll only get it with Tad Kensington.
If you want to know step two mate you’ll have to sign up for one of his outrageous business seminars.
I think I just said what step two is? Anyway, I admire you muddying the waters in that way. Maintaining an air of complete uncertainty by gaslighting the person you’re talking to, thereby creating a sense of superiority and authority. Not for nothing is that step three of Tad Kensington’s Unique Process.
Oh, there is a step three, but you’ll need a lot of money and a lot of patience to get there, sonny. You may also want to put that sass of yours in storage because that’s not going to help you much.
Yes, I know there’s a step three, I just explained what it is. Look at all the unnecessary sass in your answer. Not for nothing is putting your sass in storage step four of Tad Kensington’s Unique Process.
Stop pretending like you know the process. This process is hidden to members of the public. You don’t know Tad Kensington, you don’t know his brand. Take a step back, sucker, ‘cos this mother is loaded (?)
If I were you, I wouldn’t wanna know you.
Of course I know the process. Tad and me go way back. WAY back. Besides, I should hardly have to tell you that taking a step back because this mother is loaded is step five of Tad Kensington’s Unique Process.
Sigh, I can’t deny it, you know the whole thing.
And I would be saying that IF that was what was happening. Except I’m not. Because other than my poor punctuation you’ll notice something else. Because I know something you don’t.
I thought you might. I heard a rumour that there’s a secret sixth step to Tad Kensington’s Unique Process, and step six is knowing something you don’t.