Let’s crack off 2019 with something that I should have done in 2018.
I set myself a challenge whereby I was to write and record a song about a Mandolin (the chocolate bar, not the musical instrument) using a Mandolin. I wrote the song words, or lyrics as they are commonly known, and even worked out a basic rhythm with which to astound the listeners with. Sadly, when I tried to record it all on my very primitive phone, it was not good enough. I did expect this to happen, as I don’t own any proper recording equipment like everyone else does, so the project was duly shelved. That said, I do not want to deny the public what is a very beautiful song. Here we are then. Make up your own tune. It’s yours for the taking:
“Hit me, mandolin,
You don’t think that I can handle him so
Hit me, mandolin.
My arms bent over like a pangolin so
Hit me, mandolin.
You see that growing? It’s a dorsal fin!
That’s right, yeah, mandolin,
It’s much, much bigger than a phantom limb.
Oh, trick me, mandolin,
Writing my way to the loony bin.
So strict, yeah, mandolin,
The nurse on hold for my next of kin.
I left my mandolin,
Picking up pieces of a mandarin.
You’re on me, mandolin,
Hiding in shadows like a mannequin.
So leave me, mandolin,
I’m sick an’ tired of ya panderin’.
You heard me, mandolin,
I’m done, it’s over, time fo’ finishin'”
If Pharrell Williams or Dr. Dre are listening, I am free in March to collaborate on any future projects you may have.
24 comments on “Mandolin – A Song”
Excellent work Sir. However I put it to you that this is a very fine song featuring the word mandolin, rather than a song about a mandolin.
I would contend that this is a song written to a mandolin, but it is, in any case, absolutely not about one.
It’s about the madness instilled in someone who desperately wants to eat a mandolin but can’t and all the paranoia he goes through.
Is it though? Is it?
Yes, it is. Look at me and see me saying this.
It is.
I can see you saying that it is, but I don’t know if my believing eyes are convinced by what they see.
A “mandolin” is also the name of a tool for slicing vegetables. Is it possible this song is actually about one of those?
Let me see a picture of this, what you call, mandolin.
Here is a picture. If you want any more there there are more on the internet but they are self-service and I won’t be spoon feeding them to you.
Do you wear it on your wrist like Wolverine’s adamantium claws?
No.
I sometimes think you’re being quite silly.
Are they expensive? If not, I’m going to buy two and wear them as part of my Wolverine costume for Halloween. Wolverine Halloween.
Double mandarin time!
I don’t know actually. I’ve never bought one.
In many ways, googling them would be both faster and more informative than asking me about them.
Nah, I prefer asking you questions.
So how many do you own? You may say you’ve never bought one but someone may have given you one (waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!)
I own none. I have never bought one and it’s been a very long time since someone gave me one. And when they did, it wasn’t one of these. (wheeeeeeeeey! …what?)
Keep your lurid bin porn fantasy filth to yourself, young man.
#buyingyouamandolinforyourbirthday
I… but… actually it might be useful. Go ahead.
As long as they’re reasonable (i.e. ten quid or under) it’s a done deal.
I can always make one you know. I haven’t invented anything for a while. Perhaps I’ll invent a more cost-effective mandolin.
I’d like that. Make me a man-made mandolin from your mind.
That sentence is so good I wish I’d typed it myself. Damn you and your firm grasp of the English language!
Ive got the English language right round the neck and my knuckles are going white. That fucker’s not going anywhere.
I.. er… I suppose er… yeah.
Are you saying you’re giving a nuggie to the English language? Is that wise?
I was more thinking that I was throttling it, and its eyes were bulging out, but yeah, sure. Language nuggies. It might be the wisest thing I ever done.
Also, man made mandolin? Waaaaaaaaaay (what?).
It’s all gone a bit velvet oven in here.
OK, well, that’s taken the edge right off my wiseness. Thanks a lot.