Massive Bankers Plc
Mortgage Centre
High Interest House
Cashola Park
Nottingham
NG1 8JU
Dear Mr. Marshall
ANNUAL MORTGAGE STATEMENT
| Product | Absolute Swizz Bankers Rate Fix v9 |
| Mortgage Number | 1563786454 |
| Property Address | Force It Up Your Richard Hampshire Near France |
OVERVIEW OF YOUR MORTGAGE FOR THE PERIOD 23 JANUARY 2024 TO 23 JANUARY 2025
| Opening balance | £205,466.54 |
| Repayment 23 January 2024 – thank you | –£1325.63 |
| Repayment 23 February 2024 – thank you | –£1325.63 |
| Repayment 23 March 2024 – thank you | –£1325.63 |
| Repayment 23 April 2024 – thank you | –£1325.63 |
| Repayment 23 May 2024 – thank you | –£1325.63 |
| Repayment 23 June 2024 – thank you | –£1325.63 |
| Repayment 23 July 2024 – thank you | –£1325.63 |
| Repayment 23 August 2024 – thank you | –£1325.63 |
| Repayment 23 September 2024 – thank you | –£1325.63 |
| Repayment 23 October 2024 – thank you | –£1325.63 |
| Repayment 23 November 2024 – thank you | –£1325.63 |
| Repayment 23 December 2024 – thank you | –£1325.63 |
| Interest charged | £7208.44 |
| On Time Repayment Fee | £2101.03 |
| BOE Interest Rate Above 3% Penalty | £883.97 |
| Monthly Direct Debit Fee | £1783.88 |
| Non-Dollar Transaction Surcharge | £1326.10 |
| Window Tax | £604.14 |
| Massive Bankers Plc Christmas Bonus | £2000.00 |
| Remaining balance | £205,466.53 |
If you require help with your mortgage or making repayments, log in to our online banking portal using your customer number, account number, unique password, three letters of your passphrase and a weird plastic calculator thing. Our AI bots are waiting to help you but will never pass you on to a human being.
Yours sincerely,
Ava Pricey-Holme
Chief UK Mortgage Account Executive Officer
6 comments on “Mortgage statement”
Ah. Oh. This feels very real, as though it’s happening to all of us. I’m not sure I should make a “joke”.
It’s a “joke” that is slightly too “close” to the “bone”.
“Ha ha”.
Sir, sir, if I were you I wouldn’t look at my mortgage statement. France is an expensive country and only rich dukes are allowed to live there.
Nobody told me that when I had my English house moved there brick by brick. Didn’t all the rich dukes get their heads removed? That must have set them back a bit.
Less head, more head room. It means you can have lower ceilings and it bothers you less. When was the last time you really used your head? I mean really?
It’s a good point. Am I too late to get guillotined?