Residents in the North-West part of England are under threat once again from the notorious local graffiti artist, Fat Ankles.
Photos obtained from a reliable source show the mysterious tagger going at various walls in the loveliest parts of Lytham St Anne’s. They had previously been spotted in areas of Preston, Blackburn and Kirkham, and seem to strike at random rather than following some kind of sensible pattern.
Members of the Local Authority are baffled by the exploits of the graffiti artist because no matter how many security cameras they put up they are still without any footage of the damage being done.
“It’s unusual to say the least,” rambled Audrey Rampart, head of the local police constabulary. “This person or persons leave no trace of ever being there apart from the aforementioned message of ‘Fat Ankles’. I mean, are they having a go at everyone with fat ankles or do they call themselves ‘Fat Ankles’? It’s not a great nickname by any stretch of the imagination. If it were me, I would use something much more imaginative like ‘Anal Jumper’ or ‘Florida Cottage Ski Jump’. Now those names are eye-catching.”
As well as the diverse locations of graffiti, there are no consistencies when it comes to font, font colour or punctuation. Sometimes they use capital letters, other times the message is entirely in lower case. Once it was even attempted with numbers with a ‘FAT ANK135’, written on the garage door of Barney Botham’s Limousine Rides and More, a profitable business from Blackpool, with no explanation for doing so.
It seems as though the rampage, if you can really call it that, will continue unless someone can step in and put a stop to the whole affair. You can bet that it won’t be Audrey Rampart. “I once did a stakeout and fell asleep five minutes in. Caffeine makes me sleepy rather than keeps me awake. I woke up the next morning with a coat hanger in my hair and glitter on my teeth. It wasn’t even really a stakeout, we don’t do those in this country. I was sat waiting for the drive-through at McDonalds to quieten down.”
If you have any information which may assist the police, please send it to the police.
16 comments on “Newsboost LATE EDITION – ‘Fat Ankles’ Strikes Again”
I’ve been to Lytham St Anne’s. It seemed fairly nice. Certainly nicer than Blackpool.
This information would not assist the police, which is why I haven’t sent it to them.
I’ve been to Blackpool and Blackburn, and could confirm to the police that they are both sh*tholes, but they haven’t asked.
I believe that you should inform them anyway in case they’ve forgotten.
Chris, send a black piece of paper to the police with no explanation.
That should cover you both.
I heard that the police in Lytham St Anne’s have fat ankles. Maybe I’ll send them that as an anonymous tip-off.
I believe that counts as a hate crime and would not recommend it.
I think if it’s an anonymous hate crime it’s OK.
“Anonymous hate crime” sounds like the Papples next album.
If hate crime is anonymous then it’s an anonymous hate crime.
Also yes, that’s a good name. I’m not sure if the Papples will ever return from their indefinite hiatus though. Yes, now, more than ever, people need the glorious sweetness of our unique brand of musical buggery but we couldn’t meet up to record even if we wanted to.
“Anonymous Hate Crime” is a contender for the title of the Greatest Hits album, for sure. Or, even better, the long-awaited Christmas EP.
Agreed. Write that down.
I’m crooning as we speak.
I hope you’re jingling some bells too.
I’m jingling all the bells and it’s going bells you’ll be relieved to know.
Great. Now strap the bells to your fat ankles.
“I’ve got an ankle full of bells and you’re to blame…”
It sounds like the opening line to a song, doesn’t it?
A song by my new grime collective, “Fankles Crew”?
The Fapples? Maybe not.