Weather forecast

It’s another scorcher of a day out there, and the hot weather shows no sign of ending.

To find out what’s in store for the next week, here’s the current Pouring Beans Long Range Weather Forecast, sponsored by Frank Fuckle’s Travelling Circus.

	29°	Thursday 21 July Heatwave continues. Some cloud cover in places will give way to bright, piercing sunshine. A gentle breeze will just about keep the heat off. You will be sweaty enough to need a cool shower when you get home in the evening. The hottest day of the year so far.
	32°	Friday 22 July Heatwave continues. There will still be some clouds but not enough to actually keep the sun off. The gentle breeze is no longer refreshing and will just move the clouds out of the way. The Met Office has issued an amber warning against sitting on leather furniture. The hottest day of the year so far.
	36°	Saturday 23 July Heatwave continues. There are no clouds now, just the burning sun everywhere you look. There will still be a gentle breeze, but the breeze will now be hot, like the air that comes out when you open the oven. You will have no sweat left. The hottest day of the year so far.
	41°	Sunday 24 July Heatwave continues. A low-lying heat haze will persist throughout the morning, which may initially look like cool moisture in the air. Unfortunately it will actually be steam which is likely to produce third degree burns if allowed into prolonged contact with skin. The hottest day of the year so far.
	43°	Monday 25 July Heatwave continues. Passengers on the London Underground will be medium rare after travelling two stops and well done with delicious brown, crispy edges after five stops. Shade will be non-existent with sunlight penetrating even opaque objects. The hottest day of the year so far.
	49°	Tuesday 26 July Heatwave continues. Freak “hot snow” conditions are expected, blanketing much of England and Wales in piping hot snowflakes that are likely to bring transport to a standstill. Hot snow is capable of melting snow ploughs and so is difficult to clear. The hottest day of the year so far.
	54°	Wednesday 27 July Heatwave continues. Parts of South West England are expected to melt, with Devon and Cornwall becoming a large slick in the Atlantic. Pouring boiling water from a kettle over yourself will now constitute a refreshing way to cool down. The hottest day of the year so far.

Newsboost – Rowdy Roland Rat Tumble Rumble Roundhouse

NEWS JUST IN!

Roland Rat has fallen down a manhole into the sewer close to his home near Stepney Green.

We have received a report that eighties megastar Roland was enjoying a mid evening jog with fellow tv personality Kevin the Gerbil when he lost his footing and accidentally dropped through the ground into the murky depths below.

Roland Rat shot to fame after discovering he was a puppet and children have a short attention span. Before long he was gracing everything from television to lunch boxes to a really terrible game on the ZX Spectrum.

Rat’s mansion is rumoured to be the second-largest in the whole of the UK, closely behind Mr Chang and his up until recently ever expanding home improvements centre. It also has ten times, or tice, as many toilets as the number in Chris and Elena’s new flat.

The BBC have a newscopter hovering over the manhole and George Alla… George Allegeyah… George Alegra… Nicholas Witchell is being lowered on a rope to interview him.

More to follow as the action happens.

Nana Nanas – Behind The Scenes

Oh hi. I didn’t see you there. Well, seeing as you’ve already jumped over the 8ft high chain-link fence, snuck past the security guards and dodged all the bear traps I left in the lobby you can stay.

We are currently shooting fresh scenes for ITV2’s newest fly-on-the-wall cum soap opera ‘Nana Nanas’ about a group of bananas who join the police force but can’t help get into the strangest and yet also thought-provoking scenarios that reflect the problems of everyday people and everyday life. The only problem is that the cast have a lifespan of about seven days which means that we are constantly having to recruit new actors to fill in the roles. The new actors are given new roles meaning that there is a constant revolving door of bananas starting out, breaking through and retiring within the space of a week. It is a constant headache for the writers who have only been doing this for the best part of a month but are running out of ideas for new characters.

You should also not confuse ‘Nana Nanas’ with ‘Nana Nanas’, which is a coming of age documentary about retired bananas trying to start fresh careers in the twilight of their years and something completely different.

Here you can see young heart-throb Jacob and seductress Cleo indulging in a sexy hot tub moment after a busy day shift. Jacob is in two minds about the whole thing, given how Linda stopped him in the corridor at the station to tell him just how she really feels. Cleo has had designs on Jacob since the last episode and has finally found the chance to make her move. Meanwhile Cleo’s dad, who also happens to be the chief superintendent leader police person king man, has followed them to Jacob’s flat and is furious that his star officer is fraternising with his daughter. As the chaos ensues, notorious, as in for the last two episodes, sex addict and pervert next door neighbour Shonky T. Nuisance looks on, hiding in the corner pretending to be a particularly unconvincing corner lamp.

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right that it is very little work that results in a huge amount of reward. But isn’t that most of ITV2’s programming schedule?

Guards! Please escort this ruffian off my set, thank you.

Tea kitty

As you know, we operate a tea kitty for the communal kitchen area here at the Beans. This operates on a trust system which has, unfortunately, been abused. The big catering bags of sugar cubes have gone missing several times lately – presumed stolen – and now dirty mugs are being left in the sink without being washed up.

This is clearly unacceptable so, to make sure everyone understands their responsibilities, here are the rules for the kitchen area in full.

All Beans colleagues must pay one London pound or fifty Newcastle pounds into the kitty per month. This money will be used to buy tea, coffee, sugar and milk.
All colleagues must take it in turns to buy biscuits.
1. Ian may not eat all the biscuits.
2. If Jaffa Cakes are bought, there must be at least one full pack per person to avoid fights.
3. Chris will not eat Hob Nobs and this matter is not for debate.
4. Kev requires at least one type of biscuit suitable for dunking.
5. Tunnocks Teacakes qualify as a “biscuit” for the purpose of buying biscuits and may be eaten in one mouthful at the discretion of the individual.
6. Opened packets of biscuits are not to be removed from the kitchen. The smell of biscuits or the presence of stray crumbs can cause loud and distressing banging noises from the Character Hatch.
Pouring Beans branded mugs may not be taken home.
Do not drink milk from the bottle.
A microwave (800W) is provided for colleagues to heat up food that they have brought from home.
1. The microwave may not be used as a makeshift bed when Changlet visits.
2. The microwave may not be used to dry Ian’s fluffy pants, and no exception will be made regardless of the way in which they became damp.
Wash up your own cups.
Regardless of your views on their worth, Ian’s Mangapap Jap Crap may not be used to wipe down the work surfaces.
Do not use the kettle to heat up soup again.
Please consider other users of the kitchen when using the Soda Stream. Do not clog it up by attempting to add bubbles to custard, gravy or other viscous liquids.
Ian’s cask of Cheeky Dragon must be kept in the locked metal case at all times when not in use. A second Beans colleague must agree before any quantity of Cheeky Dragon may be decanted for consumption.
Don’t make Kev coffee, even as a joke. He will become violent.
When making jelly please use a bowl or other crockery. It is not acceptable to tilt the fridge onto its back and pour the jelly directly into it, especially if this results in Chris’s sandwiches being set into the middle of it.
Wash it, dry it, put it away. Excuses that rely upon “washing up monsters” are not acceptable.
Guests are entitled to one (1) hot beverage per visit or per week, whichever is less frequent. Guests may not drink any of Kev’s selection of real ales.
Do not leave teaspoons in the sink.

Obviously if the perpetrator of the sugar theft and dirty mugs is discovered, that person will suffer a suitable punishment.

Thank you.

Owl Kitchen. Or not?

When you’re walking around a shop there is a fair amount of pressure. You, as a consumer, need to spend your money otherwise the shop won’t be there anymore. So what will you buy? What wonders would you prefer to spend your hard-earned cash on?

For instance, would you like to buy this?

Now I am all for knick knacks and tat yet I am confused and perturbed as to what this owl wants. Clearly it wants to cook but it can’t spell ‘cook’ so it looks like it is asking for ‘cok’. So is this an owl with poor spelling and grammar? Was it the result of bad education?

Unless its eyes are the o’s but then there’d be three so the item’s message is ‘coook’ which is the kind of enthusiasm I can fully understand. But then why a spoon and a fork? Why is the owl trying to eat a fish when owls don’t eat fish?

I stared for a good five minutes at this the other day and I am still no further forward. Perhaps somebody else might be able to solve the mystery.

I like owls but this just seems wrong.

Sport

Sport! We all know what sport is, but until recently I had no interest in it.

“Pah!,” I would say, “away with your sport”. Sometimes I would tut and shake my head. Sport was a mystery to me, something that affected others deeply and yet passed me by.

Well, no more. I’ve been bitten by the sport bug. I am a sport man now.

Positive Moments

I know there’s been a lot of bad things happening recently. Just today I discovered that the patent on application number EP96923892.2 expired on 21 June. Very, very sad times.

It can’t be all doom and gloom though, right? There has to be some bright cheeks peeking out between the hazard clouds. It’s a good job that I am here to wheel out the happy high fives.

In addition to the thrilling news that my new book, ‘Thirst Pocket Hysteria; a Nation in Crisis’, which deals with the sudden outbreak of panic amongst the general public due to the baffling rise of the Vanish Tip Exchange and people bulk-buying kitchen roll at an alarming rate, available at all general and local book stores come this Friday, is out, I also have a story which will warm the very deepest and very murkiest corners of your hearts.

Those with a keen mind will remember that my very first post on the then new look Beans on 3rd February 2014 dealt with a mild irritation concerning a lollipop man who works near my office. If you can’t remember it then it is also here like a tasty mung bean salad. He clearly could not handle how great I was, and still am, and chose to deal with this by being quietly hostile, ignoring my attempts to break the ice. A period of two years elapsed with no further instances until a couple of months ago I crossed the road and in reaching the other side he finally spoke up with, “Good Morning.”

I was stunned. All this time and now he chose to speak up? A lessor man would scoff and walk on, but there was something in his approach which made me re-consider my choices. The conflict was over. The battle was done. I dusted off the dour days go by, held my head up and retorted with an equally chipper, “Good Morning!” Now it happens each time I cross the road at his crossing. He sometimes even smiles. We are the best of fake office grunt and lollipop man friends.

I am still a little confused as to why the council would pay a man to stand next to a pelican crossing and help people cross the road where an automated system has been put in place for that very reason… but hey, that is not my beef.

This has been Positive Moments for the Beans Network. If you would like to share your positive moments with us then please don’t.

And now back to Chris…

A narrow escape

I’ve been worrying about this for literally years.

Some time ago – I don’t know, let’s say in 2011 or 2012 – I was in my flat and I was multitasking. I thought myself pretty cool at the time. Task 1 was sharpening some kitchen knives by swiping the blades through my little knife sharpener thing. Task 2 was watching something on TV – chances are it was QI XL on Dave. I could literally do both those things at once. I was amazing.

To achieve this state of advanced productivity, I positioned myself in the kitchen of my flat, facing the TV, using the backrest of the sofa as my workbench.

Some time later – weeks, or months maybe – someone came over to my flat and asked me “what are these?” I followed their gesturing hand and found that the “these” in question were a number of incisions – knife wounds, no less – in several places on the top of the cushions at the back of my sofa.

Trouble is, it’s not my sofa, is it? No. It’s my landlord’s sofa.

I have been silently wondering how the seemingly inevitable conversation would go, and whether leaving it until I moved out, years later, would make things better or worse. Do I plead ignorance? Or do I admit everything and hope that honesty is the best policy?

Last week, fortune smiled upon me. The people moving into my flat after me will bring all their own furniture. They don’t want a sofa. Our new flat is unfurnished and we need a sofa. My landlord has a sofa that they no longer want.

And so I now find myself in legal possession of the cosmetically-damaged sofa, without having to explain its slightly damaged cushions to anyone, and having got away with my careless crime scot-free.

A narrow escape.