ChimneysIt’s one of the big unsolved questions of the 1990s. What’s she going to look like with a chimney on her? The Tamperer featuring Maya plaintively asked this question over and over again in their number one hit “Feel It” but to no avail. Nobody could answer the question.
Fortunately, the dark days of the 90s are behind us and modern science can finally offer an answer to this seemingly impossible conundrum.
Newsboost – Showbiz Rumor MillOver in that there showbiz land, rumors are floating about that Legendary music producer Nizzle has been in pre-production meetings with none other than PB’s own Smidge Manly.
Nobody is really sure what the secret project could turn out to be, but the pair collaborating on an album would seem to be the likely outcome.
Showbiz land reporting scumbag Barney Gristle, recently found a discarded USB stick when he tripped and fell gloved hands first into Nizzle’s trash can. He claims contains early drafts of the pairs’ work. Newsboost has a secured a world wide exclusive reveal of a clip, right here:
I think we can all agree that this is truly exciting news.
Up Close and PersonalFollowing the recent startling relevation that former news reader Nicholas Witchell is a decent guy who will allow himself to be winched into a sewer to check on the wellbeing of a former 80’s puppet celebrity, it was also revealed the unique complexities of his complexion.
Nicholas Witchell’s face contains smaller versions of his face, and on each of those faces is another collection of faces.
It has not been checked thoroughly but scientists have theorised that the “face phenomena” could go on forever. It could easily rival the ever-expanding universe as the thing that nobody can really comprehend fully because if you did you might hide in a yurt and eat tv guides due to the fact that you’d lost you mind.
It’s dangerous out there.
Lemon DobermanDo you want a dog?
Really? Do you really, really want a dog? Of course you do you’re a human being, and a human being can’t be a being without a doing. As in you cannot spell the word ‘doing’ without the word ‘dog’.
Hi, I’m Blemish Tuneraft and I’m owner and founder of Lemon Doberman. Lemon Doberman is exactly what you think it is. And it does. We breed and produce dobermans that smell of lemons in a pure and natural way. You may think that science has stuck its big, ugly, man-shaped oars into our processes however it just isn’t true. Everything about our lemony dobermans is legitimate. We have a proven track record.
It isn’t as if we found that the smell of dogs was unpleasant. Not in the slightest. In fact, we are attempting to rustle up some dog-scented aftershave for the first quarter of 2017. No, what we set out to do at Lemon Doberman was to improve on an already well-established and much-loved sanctuary.
Everyone loves a doberman.
Everyone loves the smell of lemons.
Why not combine the two?
The feedback we’ve received has been phenomenal so far. We are looking to send our sweet-smelling doggies into the furthest reaches of the UK and possibly even abroad. If all goes well then who knows? We are hoping that if our rate of success continues to increase at an exponential rate then it will only be a matter of time before Belgian Chocolate Mastiffs and Lavender German Shepherds are available to the general public.
If you’ve got a big heart, a large house and a desire for citrus fruits then you know what you need is a Lemon Doberman.
Trekkin’ Abroad – ItalyI have arrived in Italy, land of many very ancient histories, of pasta, of scooters, and of Europe’s most cheerfully remembered fascist dictatorship.
My surroundings here are extremely pleasant but I have to admit to being a little bit disappointed by the food in what is supposed to be the home of one of the world’s most popular cuisines.
It turns out that all food here comes from a shop called Gonad. I have to say that I am not altogether comfortable eating anything that has come out of a Gonad.
If that makes me narrow minded then so be it. If that makes me seem closed to the wider world and the glorious differences between our nations and our cultures then that is fine. I am simply not happy here knowing that every sip of juice is Gonad juice and every mouthful of tender, juicy meat is Gonad meat.
Soul StopThis morning I went to an establishment called the Soul Stop Café.
I ate breakfast there and had a cup of coffee and then, enjoying the ambience, I stayed a while longer to drink some tea.
It was only after leaving that I realised the terrible threat in the café’s name. Presumably, as a result of visiting and consuming their food and drink, which must have been treated in some way, my soul is going to stop.
If there is anyone here with a medical background, I urgently need to know what will happen when my soul stops and whether it’s possible to restart it. I am pretty worried here and I’m not sure if I should call an ambulance, so please respond as soon as you can. Thanks.
Meter readingsThings are busy because I’m moving house. The last few weeks have been really busy and I don’t have much time for a lot of the things I’m supposed to do. I’m meant to make four posts a month to the Beans, of course, but that’s been hard to do this month. And then there’s all the house move things to sort out as well, like arranging council tax and getting rid of the boxes new furniture came in and dealing with the gas and electric suppliers.
Luckily, today I had a brainwave: what I need to do is combine things to get through my to-do list faster.
That’s why I am using this Beans post to notify British Gas of my meter readings. If you are British Gas, the information you require is as follows:
Gas: 10857 29
Electric: 29080 3
If you are not British Gas, I hope you enjoyed reading this important information all the same. Thank you.
The Caboodle List – The Seven Tasks of KevinI’ve had many jobs in my long and illuminating life. Everything you can think of from washing machine repair man to office monkey to cleaning jockey to whipping boy. I have ticked a lot of boxes and with so many years left to go it’s fair to say that I’ll have a couple more under my belt shortly.
Will any of them ever compare to my bingo trophy though?
That said, recently a new responsibility was thrust upon my paws. Kevin has been at a loose end since his doctor told him that he could no longer perform any further alteration work to his property because it could mean the end of his plica semilunaris. So what does someone do when their very livelihood is taken away from them? They need… BORING CHORES. Normally it would fall to Mr Hill’s lovely but lunatic wife to fill this void, however she has been kind enough to pass the mantle to me so that she is free to pursue her various worthwhile pursuits. Things like, oh I don’t know, goat chasing. That seems like something she would do.
It has taken the last fortnight or so but I believe I have drafted a list the likes of which has never been seen by human EYES before. It is so demanding, so time consuming, so all-encompassing that the chances of Kevin ever doing anything else ever again is slim to none. Kneel before the might of the Caboodle List:
Caboodle List
1. Slice each and every pea in a full bag of frozen peas in three equal portions. If at any point an unequal portion is discovered then Kevin must throw out everything done so far and start with a fresh bag.
2. Remove all of the trodden on chewing gum from the pavements of Main Street in Garforth. A particular haven for the delinquents and youths of the surrounding area, this battered lane of masticated gum receives new donations on a daily basis.
3. Phone every person in the Thomson Local phone book to offer them a free bag of yeast. There are over two million people currently living in West Yorkshire; that’s a lot of minutes and a rather large crick waiting to develop in his neck
4. Recreate ‘Earthly Delights’ by the artist Bosch on the beach in the sand using only a stick within two metes of the sea. Hopefully the water will continually lap against his work thus making the task impossible to complete.
5. Travel from Lands End to John O’ Groats using only a skateboard with a broken wheel or a bike made of marshmallows. This one seems the most feasible of the five so far.
6. Read every book in your nearest bookshop without purchasing any books and without the owners realising. This will require a fair amount of stealth and a lot of patience, especially considering the long and winding narrative of Jonathan Swift.
7. Count out ten thousand pounds in one penny coins. Kev hates change.
There were much more fiendish tasks that could have been set but I believe this is enough to get started. The great thing about the Caboodle List is that matters can be added at any time to bulk them out a bit in case Kev feels bored.
These are the endeavours one must endure as his secretary.