You know what’s wrong with board games these days? They’re not tough enough. Whilst they are entertaining and enjoyable, informative and fun, maddening and frustrating at times there is nothing about them that gives the impression of tough.
Courtesy of my toxic masculinity, I have come with a new take on an existing idea that will blow all you soft willows out of the water and into the gutters. It will remove your eyes and replace them with hot coals of pain.
‘Snakes and Lads’ follows the same basic formula as its predecessor, ‘Snakes and Ladders’; you have a board with one hundred squares and the object is to get from the bottom to the top first.
You play as Tony, a right hard lad who whilst out drinking with his mates decides that they should place a little wager on who can get to the kebab shop first. His best mate, Tony, who has been sh*t-faced since 7pm is of course well up for this. His cousin, Tony, never says no to a bet and the same goes for Tony, Tony and his dad, Tony (I should mention that you don’t necessarily need six players in total but it does help).
So, as one of the Tonys, you wander through the streets trying to get to the kebab shop. If you land on a snake, you strangle it like the piece of savage meat you are. This however does mean that the time you spend boshing that sod into the next week causes you to fall behind and you go back down to the corresponding square below. If you land on a lad, you go right in for a fight with that sucker. You roll the dice and if you get an even number, you smash ‘im down. If you happen to roll an odd number he gets in a cheeky punch and you stay where you are.
The first to reach ‘The Quilted Slosh’ gets to call all the other players whoopsies and collects a tenner from each of them.
Extra points for those who sit on a steak whilst playing and eat a whole bag of sugar all at the same time.
I have never been more convinced of my genius until this idea.
11 comments on “‘Snakes and Lads’”
This is great. I’m sick of playing all those namby-pamby girly board games. Time for a game where I can win by rolling a sixteen sided dice and then headbutting my opponents while chanting “lads lads lads”. Those are my favourite things.
This is solid gold. Will it be purely a board game, or are you going full cash-in central with matching mobile apps complete with micro-transactions that allow you to glass Tony in the face if he gets too far ahead?
Now that you mention it, I believe it does have the potential to go full sell-out. You have to love those micro-transactions, ready to wield the money out of a parent’s wallet from some unsuspecting bucket o’ chiles.
I look forward to the inevitable story in the tabloid papers about some parent who gave their 6 year old kid their credit card so he could buy a £5 powerup in “Snakes and Lads Casino”, and are now pissed off because Guyverpop Labs won’t refund the £6,000 bill the kid notched up.
All sales are final! No hablo ingles!
That’s the spirit. Put that in the small print of your T&Cs.
My T&Cs? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! (what?)
I tell you what, no lady can resist my T&Cs. Get your face in there love for the wide print. You know what I’m saying? (cos I don’t).
The wide print? Yes. I like that. Your small print should include some wide print. Just when the punters think they’ve got the measure of you, and they’re busy squinting their way through all those wide letters, bam! You’ve snuck in some tall print without them noticing. Nice lawyering.
Their eyes would be so flabbergasted by the speedy change from small to wide print that they’ll not know what hit them and thus I will sell more games.
Did you go to Law School?
As we all know, my alter ego, Nicholas B. Wolfwood, did go to law school and as your attorney I would advise you not to ask that question again.