In my new job, I work on the third floor of an old building that has many useless architectural accoutrements and doodads. They’re all things the architect thought would look nice back in 1932, but which now serve no purpose at all, and perhaps they never did.
One of the useless things is a balcony that runs all the way along our side of the third floor, just below the windows. It only seems to be there because someone decided that this side of the building would look a bit more interesting if there was a balcony on it. It’s a very long balcony – perhaps as long as two or three double decker buses parked end to end, or maybe as long as a fireman’s hose, if the fireman’s hose was the same length as two or three double decker buses parked end to end.
It doesn’t look to me like a balcony that I was meant to go and stand on. It’s not very wide, for a start. You could stand on it, and walk along it if you weren’t planning to swing your arms about too much, but you couldn’t put a chair of any kind there, at least not in such a way that you could actually sit on it. The wall along the edge is only just waist high, so you’d feel a bit exposed on it as well.
None of that means that I don’t want to stand on it. Unfortunately, I can’t, because none of the windows open wide enough and the doors – we have two sets of double doors that would open on to it – are locked. The doors are also blocked by some furniture and other piles of tat.
I don’t know why I want to stand on the balcony so much. It would be cold and unpleasant and dangerous, and there would be nothing for me to do once I was out there. There’s no good reason to stand on the balcony. It’s not even a balcony for standing on. That’s why the doors are locked. They aren’t doors for walking through. But none of that changes the fact that I want to stand on it, just for a little bit, just to say I did.
One day it will get the better of me. One day I will climb out of the window. And on that day you will know I made it because you won’t hear from me for a long time, and it will be because I got stuck on the balcony you’re not meant to stand on, and had to be rescued by the fire brigade. And it will be worth it.
22 comments on “The balcony”
I like how you managed to curl one off just before the end of the month. Classic Chris.
It was no accident that this was posted at the very end of the month and is basically about nothing. You see right through me, like I’m just a big gummy bear.
Hey, it’s okay; a post is still a post. Why this might prompt the most interesting and intellectual conversation of the WHOLE year. You never know.
I’d certainly welcome that as an outcome. But looking at these first four comments, I’m not going to get my hopes up.
You get your hopes RIGHT up because my FREQUEST misuse of words in capitals is EQUALLY thrilling and unnecessary.
Also, guys, what’s the deal with Brexit, right?
What does frequest mean?
My hopes, which were already down, are now at floor level.
See, you noticed by quite obvious spelling rerror and now we’ve got some bouncy bants going on RIGHT here.
Get up from the floor, you lemon.
Bouncy bants are one thing. “The most interesting and intellectual conversation of the WHOLE year” is quite another. These bants simply aren’t going to bounce that high.
I misread bants as pants in that last post. It was much more fun that way, much less intellectual, but more fun.
Have we got some bouncy pants right here? Have we been transported back to 1993?
What is your obsession with being transported back to the 90’s? Have you been using your roll-ons again?
Ah, the time-travelling roll-on. I had some wacky adventures with that. Isn’t everyone obsessed by the 90’s now that everything post nineties sucks massive ass flaps?
Ian loves the 90s. It’s because he loves early rave so much. Remember last year when he made that long, worryingly detailed post about the video for an N-Trance song? Yeah. He’s all about the 90s.
… Yeah. That was so me. I… really love N-Trance (?)
You do. You totally love N-Trance. You could literally name more than one of their songs.
Indeed. I especially love (looks up on Wikipedia) their cover of ‘Stayin’ Alive’ from their breakthrough album (looks up again) Electronic Pleasure. What a (looks up) thumpin’ belter of an (looks) album.
I know. Your instant and wide-ranging knowledge of N-Trancism is easy for all to see. It’s undeniable.
Given that you know everything about them, maybe you can clear this up. Did they make rave, house or eurodance? And what’s the difference?
They sucked up a lot of genres along the way including all of them you said, jazz, foot-house smooth, clanky-rific, bedlam pop, noisicles, soul jazz, Belgian Slazenger and “Porky Slim” gospel.
I was a big fan of noisicles back in the day. I loved the long, arhythmic blasts of bass that drowned everything else out.
It was a product of it’s time I’ll admit but it did have its moments.
I still have a habit of cracking off a couple of foot-house smooth numbers when I’m slinging it with the cats (what?)
That’s what I heard. And it certainly explains the mess down the front of your jazz tunic.
What a man has down the front of his jazz tunic is his business and his business alone.
Look away, child.