Since we bought a slice of Hampshire, and abandoned London for the delights of country living, we’ve been showing more or less anyone around our house. Friends? Yes. Family? Yes. Friends of family? Yes. The neighbours? Yes. Some guy who just wanted to pick up some furniture we sold on eBay? Yep.

Not everyone has had the thrill of the tour yet, though, and we understand that for some the wait is becoming intolerable. So, to help out, I’d like to extend an invitation for you to join us now on a virtual tour.

You need to knock on the door first or we won’t know you’re here, since the people who used to live here took the doorbell when they left. No, they actually did. There we go. Now I’m opening the door. Come in! And please wipe your feet, they’re disgusting. You should have worn shoes.

It’s no use putting shoes on now because you have to take them off. Come this way into the kitchen. Tea? Coffee? Strawberry Nesquik? Tea with a spoon of Nesquik it is.

So, this is the kitchen, as you can see. It’s a bit of a work in progress and we’re going to replace the sink because it drains directly onto the worktops which is not what we’d have chosen. This is the fridge. In there is the utility room where we keep the recycling. And over there – no, no, it’s an induction hob actually, yes, that’s right, no, we weren’t sure about it either but actually we quite like it now – over there is the dining room. We need to get a bigger table because the two seater here really isn’t big enough.

We can stop here for a moment to admire the view out of the French windows into the garden – we just call them the fenêtres to save time – and also admire the view inside the dining room of the drinks cabinet. No, it’s a bit early for a slosh of gin, maybe you should finish your Nesquik tea before we crack open the booze.

OK, so if you come back into the hallway and through here, this is the living room. We haven’t done much with this yet but you can see what a nice room it is. And then this way, up the stairs. Mind your head on this box, it’s a massive wooden housing for the electricity meter and someone put it exactly where you expect your head to go when you walk. This is why we usually go up and down the stairs in a crouching position. Ooh, careful. Yes, well, it will hurt, that’s why I mentioned it. Try crouching like this as you go past it. There you go.

Right, so we’ll start in this room, which is the spare bedroom really, but at the moment it’s just full of random stuff because all houses that were moved into less than three years ago have one of these. No, you can’t have any of it, just because it’s on the floor doesn’t mean this is a jumble sale. And over the landing here is the bathroom. That’s the bath over there, and this is the toilet, and while we’re in here I always just like to pop these cupboards open so you can see how much built in storage there is in here. I know! It’s really great. We can store about 60 toilet rolls in here and still have room left for all the towels and toiletries and everything. No, I’m not getting into that right now. The number of toilet rolls we own is a private matter.

This one here is our bedroom. We decorated this one first because it needed doing, and we’re really pleased with the shade we chose. This is the wardrobe we had to dismantle to get it up the stairs, and – can you close that, please? That’s my underwear drawer. No, come on, I know you’re looking round but there’s a limit. Can you put that back. Put it back. What’s wrong with you? Give it here. Jesus. Right. Come on, that’s enough in here.

So, finally then, this is the split room, which we’ve just finished. Have I told you about the shelf? It’s a floating shelf that goes around all four sides of the room, and – I have? Do you want to hear it again? No? How about the chair, did I tell you about my blue chair and how I spent 14 years trying to find a matching… fine. No, that’s fine. Some people like that story, but no, whatever.

Let me just grab the hook – here we are – now, mind the ladder, and if you want to go up first, this is the loft. I put the light in here. Can you imagine that this house has been here for 115 years and nobody had ever thought to put a light in the loft? Yes, it’s great for storage. Look at all the room. Yes, go on, have a little explore.

The ladder? Yes, I’m just popping it back up there, and I’m closing the hatch now. It’s OK, you’ve got the light up there so it’s not like it’s dark. No, I’ve soundproofed it. You’ll be fine. Don’t be such a baby. See you later!