Here at The Beans, we get a lot of questions and enquiries from our adoring fans, but there’s one issue that comes up more than any other: what kind of alpaca you are. It’s obviously impossible for us to investigate each person in full and answer each letter individually to let people know what kind of alpaca they are. Instead, we’ve produced this handy quiz that you can score for yourself and find out approximately what kind of alpaca you are.
Record your score for each question and then scroll down to find your match.
Questions
- When the farmer is brushing your fur, which bit needs all the attention?
- My back: there’s just so much fur there
- The tuft of hair on my head
- The shaggy mane on my long, flexible neck
- What sort of weather do you like best?
- The rain, because it makes the grass more deliciously juicy
- Clouds, because the more diffuse light makes me more photogenic
- The sunshine, so I can frolic in the field
- What do you find most difficult on a day-to-day basis?
- Getting enough to eat. There’s never enough with all these other alpacas around
- Turning right. My hair effectively covers one eye, so I can only see out of the left side
- Self-belief, and the confidence to be myself
- What is your position in the herd?
- I’m the biggest and I like to be in charge
- I’m not the alpha but I’m definitely the public face of the herd
- They don’t understand me, but that’s fine. I do my own thing
- What would you say is your defining feature?
- My shapely legs, because they look like human legs in thick trousers
- My effortless style
- The fact that I am a unicorn
How did you do?
Mostly A
You are Chunky Alpaca. Well fed and well bred, the Chunky Alpaca is solidly built, with thick, warmly insulating fur and the ability to spit over long distances.
Mostly B
You are Boyband Alpaca. Style-conscious and admired by all the lady alpacas, you are right on the fashions but always at the mercy of quickly-shifting popular opinion.
Mostly C
You are Unicorn Alpaca. Your horn may only be a striped party hat, but you bring joy and laughter wherever your mythical hooves land. You strongly dislike being reminded that you are not actually a unicorn.
19 comments on “What kind of alpaca are you?”
IS there a FOURTH choice, possibly some KIND of (D) Alpaca, like a Florentine Alpaca?
Did you somehow gets mostly Ds for your answers?
“Mostly D” gets you Imaginary Alpaca. It’s a figment of your overheated imagination, running wild in a world of brain-horrors.
A world of brain-horrors indeed. With quizzes there’s always a secret option they don’t tell you about. The secret option being the right option.
I know your game, Mackshall, and I’m on to your tactics.
You’ve seen right through me, and you’ve won the prize. The prize being that you are Imaginary Alpaca and nobody else is. You’re the only one. You’re special. Happy now?
I’ve seen keen and I’m certainly not keen on your mind games.
Did I imagine myself? How is that possible?
Yeah. You only exist because you imagine yourself. That’s deep, man.
Well, let’s face it, they literally broke a mould when I came tumbling out. I’ve been breaking stuff ever since.
If I thought me up, then I must not like myself very much because surely I would have imagined someone a little less, erm, me?
I don’t know. The question is, if you have to imagine you for you to exist, how could you have imagined anything other than you? You’re the only you that you could have imagined.
I’m not good with philosophical questions; can we go back to slagging off Kev?
I want to know what kind of alpaca Kev is. But I suspect we’ll never know. He’s made his annual visit to the Beans and used it to not post a podcast properly, so that’s it until 2019 now.
I’ve pencilled him in for a mid-February Beans appearance and I’m currently cracking off some ‘Hill Zingers’ to fill the gap until then.
I got mostly c, and I resent the fact that you flippantly dismiss my unicorn-ness. Your just jealous. I’m going over there to talk to my friends, Phoenix Pigeon and Griffen Horse.
If it’s any consolation, I like your stripey hat.
Hat? HAT? You mean my unicorn horn?
It is rather lovely.
I tell you what Kev, My Just Jealous is way better than any Just Jealous of yours. You will have to keep hoping that your Just Jealous will one day be able to compete with mine. My Just Jealous has won awards.
I just realised I never told you what I got.
I am Boyband Alpaca. Expect my new single to be out soon.
*alluringly flicks hair to one side*
You’re a whole boyband? You? What’s your boyband name?
Sometimes I think you don’t listen on purpose.
Whatever gave you THAT impression? Also YOLO.