Posts filed under 'Bedtime stories'
*Removes the image of Marshall in suspenders from his head and continues writing/typing*
I would love to say that they were eaten and torn apart by the mysterious monsters but I don’t even think that I’m that cruel. Tyres kind. Footsteps rattle on the hard road surface. Four characters let what seems like a thousand bullets from their AK47’s, turning the army into a bloody mess in seconds. “Who are you,” commanded Wobbly Dog, “and what are these things?”
“We’re racist, jive-talking vampire ninja bunnies!” gloated the tallest, letting a hail of bullets stream into the sky never to return. “Are you kidding me?” shouted Wobby rubbing his eyes in disbelief. They were the unlikliest of heroes being that they clearly were chasing too many bandwagons with hobbies such as theirs. Everything that could go wrong was pretty much going wrong, like a prequel to Star Wars. Wobbly and Kitty were bundled into the back of the vigilantes’ jeep and off they sped. Like a panda on heat. “So let me get this straight,” rationalised Kitty, her eyes twinkling in the limited light, “you are a bunch of vigilantes who also happen to be vampire ninja bunnies?” They all turned around to meet her feline gaze. The one in the passenger seat spoke, “Hi I’m Mark, and don’t forget the jive-talking racist part. We love being racist…”
“…and jive-talking, it’s great,” said the driver who swerved past a raccoon in the middle of the road. Wobbly stood up. “So what were those things back there?” The driver spoke again, in a cool, calming voice, “they’re meteorites, exposed to salt and toxic waste. Sort of it Superman decided to give up flying and walk around in tatty clothes instead. It’d be the same sort of situation I think.”
“I think too,” said the ninja next to Kitty. “I most heartedly agree,” said Mark in the front seat. “Superman wasn’t a meteorite,” butted in Kitty, but her valid point was lost in the madness. “Anyway we’ve been fighting them for a million…”
“One million two hundred,” said Mark
“One million two hundred years,” continued the driver, “They never seem to go away. There’s like an inexplicable unlimited supply of them.”
The jeep reached its destination and everyone got out.Their headquarters was a disused community drama group building, the dusty costumes still hanging on their pegs waiting for the owners to return. A hug statue stood in the middle of the stage. “Looks like Lionel Blair,” whispered Wobbly as they were pushed into the centre of the room. “What do you want with us?” demanded Kitty, “are we prisoners or companions?” Mark looked at the others and turned back to his audience. “You’re our audience! We’ve been working on this little number for three years. Do you wanna hear it?” Wobbly and Kitty looked at each other, unsure as how to handle the situation. Before they’d even had a chance to say anything Mark shunted her away with, “okay let’s go!” The members of the racist jive-talking vampire ninja bunnies lined up and put huge smiles on their faces. A song ensued:
“We’re green, like the grass,
 We’re red, like the sun.
 We’re yellow like butter,
 But blue cos no-one,
 Loves us like purple,
 Set in our ways,
 Treats us like ladies,
 When we eat nobody pays.
 Dainty hankies in our pockets,
 Ready to dab away those crumbs.
 A package of lovliness,
 Monsters are no fun.
 Oh we might sound like meanies,
 We all hate the fallen,
 Being racist means acting like
 Hitler and Stalin…”
“Where’d they leave the keys?” asked Wobbly. “I already stole them from the first idiot,” murumured Kitty. With the haste of two figments of my imagination they made a dash for the jeep, slammed the doors shut, stuck on the radio and zoomed off. Kitty did the pedals. Wobbly used the steering wheel. Kitty turned the radio off when Barry Manilow appeared. With all their might they navigated out of the bitter back streets to the main road and using Wobbly’s keen sense of smell they drove hundreds of miles, down wrong ways and right ways past huge windows and pounting gays back to their house. It was almost light when they parked. “I need a drink, this night was f*cking sh*t” said Kitty. Wobbly looked at her not understanding what she had said. “What did you just say Kitty?” asked Wobbly. Kitty looked shifty with her eyes but shrugged and said, “I’m so glad to be home, I want to snuggle wuggle on the mat by the fire so I can rest my tired bones.” Wobbly smiled. They closed the door in joy.
August 30th, 2006
The streets were lined with smut and filth as far as the eye could see. Everywhere you looked was a junkie looking for a fix or stray girls of the night slinking into darkened cars. There’s no light here. No joy and no pain, only a desire to escape.
Two shadows cast along walls, darting between the streetlamps hoping to stay a secret. “How long have we been walking?” asked Kitty, her eyes awake to take in any hint of danger. Her companion, ears to the sky, murmurs a response, “it’s been a few hours, we have to keep going.” They exchange glances and then continue moving. Wobbly edges then continue moving. Wobbly edges around another corner and gestures to follow.
The streets in this part of town are practically deserted which unnerves both cat and dog. A thin stream of rain starts pattering on the secluded cars and sheltering under a bus stop both Kitty and Wobbly catch their breaths. “I wish we’d gotten the last bus now,” whispered Kitty, desperate not to make a sound. “No point in thinking about that now. We’ll get through this as long as we stick together.”
A pair of headlights appear at the end of the street. “Quick this way!” ushered Wobbly as they fled down a back alley. It feels smaller and smaller the further they venture into it. “Who would have thought eh…” said Kitty. Suddenly a figure emerged from underneath two dustbins, his arms held aloft. Wobbly darts forward but loses his balance and instead of pounding into his target his buckled legs send him careering into the tarmac. “Ow! Dammit!” he said standing up again and using a stray piece of wood to deck the stranger in the kneecaps. “Run Kitty, run!” he shouts but she isn’t quick enough to react. Frozen with fear she stares into the eyes of the madman. Red and fiery, barely human and pulsing like heated oranges. Wobbly ran grabbing her roughly between his teeth and away to the even darker recesses. They turn a corner and two more appear. Their numbers command authority and they don’t appear to respond to reason. “What is this, a tag team?” said Wobbly Dog, stealing a line from Die Hard II: Die Harder. His keen sense of smell was going mental. Seeing a gap the two heroes run between the monsters’ legs and back ont hte streets. How nameless and alone they feel. How piercing does the cold feel standing naked now amongst a whole army of freaks. “What is this, the freakin’ video for ‘Thriller’?” spat Kitty, clearly trying to sound urban but pulling it off with as much success as Oscar Wild in World’s Strongest Man. They cower in fear awaiting their fate like one a cardboard dog and a cat-shaped cushion can…
WHAT WILL HAPPEN? STAY TUNED…. I’ve written the other bit don’t worry, just my lunch break is ending now 😛
August 29th, 2006
One day as the sun shone on the well-caked world Flat Kitty and Wobbly Dog sat outside in the garden. “What shall we do today?” asked Flat Kitty, “it seems like such a lovely day I’d hate to waste it indoors.”
“An adventure would certainly suit a day like this,” replied Wobbly Dog, “like a ride in a hot air balloon or a trek through an Amazonian rain forest.” Flat Kitty thought hard to rack her brain to work out what to do on this glorious of days and also how such an ill-educated dog knew of the lush greenery of a country miles and miles away. “I’ve got it, a trip to the zoo!” she gasped with excitement and sprinted around the garden. When I say sprint though what I really mean is she jigged on the spot and made the poorest of efforts to move from side to side. Not really the same. “Excellent, let’s go!” shouted Wobbly Dog quite clearly caught up in the moment and couldn’t prevent himself from falling into the paddling pool. Flat Kitty flopped to his rescue. “Thanks, I just needed to cool off before we embarked on our expedition,” mumbled Wobbly Dog lying to preserve his pride.
The outside world was busy and full of people pushing and shoving. Wobbly Dog and Flat Kitty hopped onto a bus and took a ride to the zoo. It was only seventeen miles just down the road. For the sake of a few more lines though they took several twists and turns, down many alleys and under bridges of wonder. They struggled to read the variety of different messages scralled on the walls of the inner city ghettos but they knew that each one of them was a life-affirming message of hope. The bus was alive with munters reading the free paper and playing high-pitch, speeded up music on their mobile phones. One of them even tried to sit on the hapless pair thinking they were rubbish!
The bus stopped and Flat Kitty and Wobbly Dog got off. The gate to the zoo was huge and thankfully, because it was a weekday, the queues were non-existant like those days at Alton Towers when you managed to make it through the 26km sponsored walk your school had arranged for you and this was your prize for doing so. “Where should we go?” asked Flat Kitty, “there’s so much to choose from.” Scratching his head Wobbly Dog said, “I think we should start with the monkeys.” He narrowly managed to avoid the fresh chewing gum on the path but failed to notice the huge blob of tomato ketchup. “Gosh, I better be careful, I wouldn’t want the animals thinking I was food and eating me!” Now I think of myself as an intelligent person and even if I was one of the simplest of creatures with a brain the size of a pea I wouldn’t confuse a small, cardboard dog covered in a condiment as food. They followed the signs towards the monkey enclosures barely containing their excitement.
The monkeys were a playful bunch. They would hang on the ceiling and bound about the cages. “They look so much fun,” commented Flat Kitty, “but I’m really hungry now after seeing all those bananas,” the weak-minded fool. Wobbly Dog wobbled in acknowledgement, “Yes perhaps a snack is in order. I’ll go get us some ice creams.”
“Yum yum yum,” murmured Flat Kitty sounding like the victim of a mace attack. Wobbly Dog wandered off to search for the ice cream truck or stall of whatever. You may be thinking how does a six inch tall dog obtain such snacks of tastiness with no hands and no money. You’ll label it a huge plot hole but back walked Wobbly Dog with two ice creams in his hands and a grin on his face. “Yum yum yum,” reiterated Flat Kitty pushing the ice cream practically into her mouth. Wobbly Dog watched as his toppled from his cone down to the murky dirt-ridden pavement. “Nevermind, you can have some of mine,” laughed a cruel Flat Kitty passing the remenants of hers to Wobbly Dog’s wobbly paws. “Yum,” said Wobbly Dog crunching on the bitter cone of embarassment.
They moved onto the various other animals such as the elephants, the jiggly-affs, the parrots and some hippos. It was so much fun seeing the animals and playing. Much more fun than say fumbling around in a cellar for five hours. This is much more interesting. Still, there’s mediocre and there’s mediocre. Seeing friends or write about Flat Kitty and Wobbly Dog? Going out and having a laugh or writing about Flat Kitty and Wobbly Dog? Sharing saliva with my best friend’s wife in the backseat of his Mercedes or sat in the dark penning tales of moronic desperation? I know which one I’d choose.
Flat Kitty sighed when it was finally time to leave. “It’s such a shame it has to end so soon. I was having so much fun,” she said trying to hide her disappointment. “We’ll be back before you know it,” said Wobbly Dog reassuringly although still upset about not getting ice cream and the fact that she scoffed all of hers. “Really? Oh joy. That’s something to look forward to,” squealed Flat Kitty. The sun was beginning to set as they stood waiting at the bus stop for the next service to arrive. “Oh dear,” said Wobbly Dog, “it seems as though we’ve missed the last bus.” How they could have done being five thirty in the evening is beyond me. He must have read it wrong. “So what should we do?” asked Flat Kitty. “We’ll have a merry walk home instead. I love fresh air,” exclaimed Wobbly Dog. So off they jolly well went. Seventeen miles ahead of them and the night closing in, who’s to say what will happen to our two clueless heroes. I would but unfortunately that’s a completely different story… 😉
BATTLING DEMONS, VAMPIRES AND LIONEL BLAIR HOBOS, FLAT KITTY AND WOBBLY DOG WILL RETURN!!!
May 27th, 2006
Once upon a time there were two best friends, Wobbly Dog and Flat Kitty. Wobbly Dog was wobbly because he walked at an angle due to a calcium deficiency and therefore his balance was off. Flat Kitty was flat because Wobbly Dog had fell on him. Despite the initial frustrations, hospital appointments and arguements though the two had become the best of friends.
One day Flat Kitty was sitting in the garden on a lovely sunny day when Wobbly Dog wobbled through the garden gate and wobbled up the garden path, “Good morning,” shouted Flat Kitty. “Good morning to you too,” shouted Wobbly Dog who promptly wobbled into the dustbins. “Are you okay?” asked Flat Kitty. “I suppose so, but not I stink of wet vegetables and cheese,” shouted Wobbly Dog. Still with a spring in his step good old Wobbly Dog finally reached and sat down next to Flat Kitty.
“We should go on an adventure!” said Flat Kitty, “just the two of us, somewhere exciting!” Wobbly Dog checked his vision, “Sounds like a great idea to me. I bet there’s an exciting adventure hiding in the cellar. We should start there!” Flat Kitty flapped with amazement, in only a way a flat cat could, “Yes, off we go, you lead the way.” Wobbly Dog hurriedly stumbled in the direction of the kitchen with Flat Kitty in hot pursuit. Once there they managed to open the door, including two deadbolts and using a key, and stared into the eerie darkness. “It’s just like space,” said Wobbly Dog. “Looks more like night to me,” said Flat Kitty. Wobbly Dog gripped a torch in his mouth and said, “follow me,” before falling down the stairs. Flat Kitty followed the light excited as a panda on heat.
Bruised but not beaten yet, Wobbly Dog stood up and flashed the light across the various shelves and crap lurking in the cellar. The huge silouette of the lawnmower looked like a giant. “Is that a giant?” asked Flat Kitty. “No it’s a lawnmower,” said Wobbly Dog. Everywhere they looked was excitement and mystery, well, as much as there can be for a broken dog and a squished cat. How long do you reckon they were down there? Five minutes? Half an hour? Let me tell you, they were there five bloody hours. Do you think I have the patience let alone the time to write about five hours of them fumbling in the dark? Him knocking everything off the shelves. Her as thick as edam. The two of them may as well be lost in the Sahara, there’s about as much exciement there as there is for two stupid pets wandering around aimlessly in the dark!
When the adventure was over Wobbly Dog and Flat Kitty returned to the comfort of that lovely afternoon sunshine. “Wasn’t that a fantastic adventure?” asked Flat Kitty, “I think that’s the best one yet!” Wobbly Dog nodded in agreement, “Yes, definately the best. I can still feel the twinges of excitement in my bones. We should return there one day to recall teh excitement although preferably once someone has cleaned up all those broken plant pots…”
“…and hairballs,” said Flat Kitty, rudely interupting Wobbly Dog, not that he noticed the dumb shit. They both laughed in merriment. What a happy day!
The End
May 22nd, 2006
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