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In the sprint towards the festive season you may be wondering what to get people you know and quite possibly love. Buying things is very difficult and the choice on offer now is so colossal that it makes you want to shave cakes for fun. So, you need a helping hand to point you in the right direction. There’s no way you’ll get this level of service from anywhere else.
Let’s start with Uncle Johnny Wing-Wang. Uncle J is a hard cracker and doesn’t like anything other than football and food. He’s a bit of a fat bastard but nobody says anything, you know because it’s gone on for so long it’s silly to bring it up now; the time for that was 1987. What kind of a present is going to a) impress him and b) make his chubby face squish a smile out one end?
You need this… a loaf of crusts:
There are people who do like crusts, I can vouch for them. Imagine an entire loaf of bread with only crusts, gathered up from all the crust-hating fops out there in the world. Fresh and seething with resentment for not being eaten. The perfect gift for a couch-dwelling chunder-faced gremlin. Stick that up Uncle J and it’ll shower rainbows over his life for decades to come.
Available now for the small price of £8.99.
September 25th, 2011
F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ckpiles! F*cking F*ck of a slow F*ck Computer! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Sh*tstain Mother F*ck!
December 16th, 2009
Good Evening and welcome to another re-treading into the musical myriad mastery of a very cynical and well-worn individual who’s views have been described as bordering on “impressive”.
Besides this hasn’t been aired for a while and there have been so many who have passed through the charts, by the radar and then disappeared into obscurity just as fast. Sigh. Kate Nash, where are you now? Married to a Crib? Fair enough.
Tonight’s eyes fall on the lovely Tula “Tulisa” Contostavlos from Kevin’s favourite group N-Dubz. According to Wikipedia, because this is where I get most of my general knowledge, Miss Contostavlos is of Greek and Irish heritage and by far the prettiest member of the group. Hands down. You might think she was drafted in to fill up the hottie side of things but she more than pulls her weight with fellow band mates Dappy and erm Fazer.
That said I can’t really admit to any sort of admiration for the group in the slightest. With lyrics like, “Like a crack baby being born addicted to the needle, So much evil in people, Dappy said it 1st so I guess that im the sequel,” and “A-List, Play list, Even My Mums Famous, I Would Do Anythin’ for Some Source Stadium Status,” they’re not really going for an Ivor Novello but hey, who wants one of them? Snow Patrol got one. Tut tut Ivor Novello…
You won’t find me playing it. You will however find me staring at Tulisa at every available opportunity.
(picture borrowed from femalefirst.co.uk)
December 11th, 2009
What we have is a first-hand account of what has been described as literally the Face of Terror. This face however does have a few add-ons that most faces don’t have. Our eye witness for Newsboost, Professor R, had this to report:
“It had twenty hundred legs, all different coloues. The nose was actually two noses to make up one nose. The monster also had noses for eyes, four arms made of cars and a traffic light for a body. Don’t forget the tail made of jelly!”
Was it male or female, Professor R?
“It was just a monster, okay?”
You heard him. If you come across this abomination of nature please make sure to not only take pictures but to count the number of legs and noses to ensure we have an accurate description. You personal safety should not come into question. Do what we say.
October 28th, 2009
Good Morning and thank you for staying with us after that particularly foisty advert break.
To further thank you for your allegiance we, the Home Beans Shopping Network, would like to present this one in a lifetime offer to you, the viewers, as in you, not me, the T 4500 Deluxe:
This is for today’s modern parent. Not only does it have unstealable nickel chrome wheels but also lush 50 / 50 wool and velour interiors for that smoother ride. Your baby will have no quarms with entering and riding around this babe magnet. Furthermore after thorough tests it has been confirmed that it can achieve speeds up to 20 mph; that’s 7mph faster than the leading competator.
And that’s not all. This wouldn’t be the 21st century without some pointless mechanical alterations. The T 4500 Deluxe can be controlled remotely with a remote control. What good would that do I hear you ask? Coupled with the fact that it also has its very own camera on the top of the bonnet you can do all your parenting right from your sofa such as:
- Taking baby to the park.
- Visiting friends and family.
- Picking up tabs and cider from the shop down the road.
All these and more can be yours for the taking. This is not available in any shops, at least none that you’d think twice about going in. How much would you pay for this marvel? Two hundred? One fifty? You can if you want to as we are willing to accept higher offers BUT NO. You can buy this sweetened honey for the low low price of one hundred fifteen as well as four weeks of milk vouchers. Yes. We take milk. We’ll take your milk. Oh!
Order now to avoid disappointment!
October 5th, 2009
Thats right boys and girls… Me!
After my heroic rescue of the might that is PouringBeans, and my return to glory, I would like to fill you in with what went on…
Continue Reading June 6th, 2007
Yesterday at work someone asked what BST stood for. So we took the mick out of her and pretended it stood for ‘British Sport’s Time’ as in the time when sports started and how it was different in the European Union to the rest of the world.
She didn’t believe it but if anyone would like to state just how silly she is for not knowing what BST stands for please be my guest.
May 24th, 2007
Chris Industries International Ltd. is sorry to announce that its pre-tax profits for the 2006-07 financial year were some way below forecasts.
CII Ltd’s chairman, Chris, blamed the result on the unexpected departure of the public face of the company, Pete Doherty, and the resulting downturn in sales.
Since Mr Doherty’s departure, the company has racked up £14bn in debts, partly due to its poor performance in rotissomat technologies.
The ailing company has been acquired by Richard Branson, who remains optimistic that he can turn around CII’s fortune. From April 10th 2007, CII Ltd will be known as Virgin Pet Care.
April 7th, 2007
CII Ltd is proud to announce the release of its latest consumer innovation, the Opti-Rotissomat. Industry experts predict that by the end of 2007 no home will be complete without a CII Ltd Opti-Rotissomat and that they will be compulsory in most Western states by early 2009.
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The CII Ltd Opti-Rotissomat is unique among other electro-static rotary appliance solutions, because it features a twin-cycle PSU permitting it to be used with both 240V and 115V power supplies.
Its stylish grey rubber oscillaturner is comfort-moulded and is spring mounted on the titanium camshaft, giving you the ultimate in feel and texture while using the device. It will not slip or grate in wet weather conditions like many other belt-driven competitors.
The Opti-Rotissomat comes in three colours – amber, puce and leopardskin – and for a limited time only comes with a free suede carry-case. Order now to receive yours in time for Lent!
The Opti-Rotissomat is manufactured by Rotoscope Investments Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of CII Ltd’s Spearmint Division.
March 19th, 2007
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