Posts filed under 'Mr. Cockall’s Loveliness'

Muffin Hats – A Novel Idea

Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrow’s geniuses (using song)

Who are you? Jefferson Tang.

What’s the Idea? Muffin Hats.

What is it? It’s a hat that’s also handily made of muffins.

What does it do? When you’re stuck for a snack and there’s nothing but smack, and your stomachs gone slack you need… Muffin Hats. They’re a cheap and inexpensive way of fighting the problems of hunger and fashion. All you do is wear the hat and when you need something to eat you take a bite. Not only this but the hat will leave a lovely muffin aroma to your hair, leaving loved ones bemused and confused in equal measures. 

So what are you gonna do about it? Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head.

October 3rd, 2011

Mr Cockall’s inventions: Beef Rays

Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrows geniuses (using song)

Who are you? Cathy Partslammer

What’s the idea? Beef Rays

What is it? So often we try to enjoy beef or beef-based products as part of our busy modern lifestyle. But we are hampered by the difficulty of obtaining delicious beef. Once it has been extracted from the cows, it must be manhandled and jerrymandered before it arrives on our teeth. With Beef Rays, all that is in the past.

What does it do? The consumer Beef Ray takes up no more space in your kitchen than a washing machine or chest freezer. Plug it in, hook it up to your satellite dish and away you go. At the meat processing plant, beef is packaged and then transmitted via satellite live into your home. You simply select a channel on your Beef Ray receiver – diced, minced, roasting joint or entire cow – and it is beamed to you directly. You are billed an extortionate amount at a later date.

What are you gonna do about it? Nothing! Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)

7 comments July 20th, 2009

Stage Sluts – A Novel Idea

Mr. Cockall returns and interviews tomorrows geniuses (again using song)

Who are you?    Geoff Cornbladder

What’s the idea?    Stage Sluts

What is it?   Today’s television needs a more updated approach to younger women, what they talk about and what is important in their lives. After a brief five minute survey with the lasses in my office it was decided that gigs are where women open up and discuss more. What we’re talking about is like ‘Loose Women’ for the 16 to 25s and with less haggered crones.

What does it do?   It will be a beacon in a darkened room. What better way to feel smug about yourself than listen to some over-dressed, obnoxious little turds who are only concerned about shagging the lead singer of whatever band is on stage? It will be a huge morale boost for women everywhere. Fair enough the music scene may dip for a while but we’ll just have to hope that men batting for both sides will pick up the pace.

What are you gonna do about it?   Nothing Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)

July 1st, 2009

Cars – A Posthumous Novel Idea

Mr. Cockall interviews yesterday’s geniuses (using song)

Who are you? Jumping McYarm

What’s the Idea? Cars.

What is it? An ingenious transportation method

What does it do? It’s the age old problem: “I’m over here and I want to go over there. It’s quite a long way and I’ve just sold my horse to the glue factory” Well, what do you do? I’ll tell you. You hop into your new “car”. These little babies dont even need to rest, just fill ’em up with liquid petroleum and let the controlled explosions effortlessly power you anywhere you’d like to go. Coming soon… The van! For when you want to go over there and take 437lbs of apples with you!

So what are you gonna do about it? Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s already done!

8 comments July 16th, 2008

Toast-it Notes – A Novel Idea

Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrow’s geniuses (using song)

Who are you? Ernest McFurnace

What’s the Idea? Toast-it Notes, the warm, crisp and adhesive breakfast.

What is it? The only breakfast that can help you memorise your to-do list.

What does it do? Many people have trouble at work because they forget what they have to do during the day. Some people write it down, but this system is fraught with social and practical problems.

That’s where Toast-it Notes can help. At breakfast time, drop a pad of Toast-it Notes in your toaster. When they’ve popped up, butter them and then write one item from your to-do list on each one. Then enjoy their crunchy, toasty taste.

While you go to work, the Toast-it Notes are at work inside your stomach, using their patented adhesive to stick to your stomach lining, allowing you to ingest your daily tasks direct into your bloodstream.

You’ll never forget an important appointment again!

So what are you gonna do about it? Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)

6 comments April 24th, 2008

Inky Drinky – A Novel Idea

Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrow’s geniuses (using song)

Who are you? Wimbly Wednesday

What’s the Idea? Inky Drinky, the thirst-quenching pigment.

What is it? It’s the only luxury fountain pen fuel that can save your life in a drought.

What does it do? For many years mankind has faced a dilemma. When heading off to trek across an arid desert, travelling with only the items you can carry in your right hand, it makes enormous sense to choose a fountain pen as one of your precious few companions. But what to fill it with? A few drops of life-saving water to stave off dehydration and death? Or an emerald blue ink with which to sketch abstract landscapes depicting your emotions as you stride among the dunes?

Now you don’t have to make that choice any longer! Inky Drinky is the ink you can drink. Charge up your Saharan scribbler with Inky Drinky, in a choice of four alluring hues. Put pen to paper with pride, and in an emergency situation, crack open the ink well and enjoy the refreshing taste of Inky Drinky. Now available in black (liquorice), blue (bilberry), red (roast beef) or green (Salad Niçoise).

So what are you gonna do about it? Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)

7 comments February 21st, 2008

The First Annual Mr Cockall Innovation Awards Ceremony

Thank you and welcome to the first annual Mr Cockall Innovation Awards Ceremony. My name is Winky Winkerson and I am here at this third rate, knock off awards ceremony to celebrate the best of the ideas suggested by various representatives across the country interviewed and documented by Mr Cockall himself. The nominees are as follows:

Morman Le Pongavent for his Fish Pen
Eddy Lafawitz for the wonderful Thrusticles
Kevin and Ian for trying to revolutionaise Pep
Susan Winkerpot with the timeless Dehydrated Water
Ebeneezer Cheesegrater for his Nasal Harps
Gardy Guh-huh-de-ha for the uncompromising Extendo-Loins
Spice Cranford for the Chicken Envelopes and
Elementary Westinghouse for her Tasty Hasty Paste

And as the world holds its breath I carefully open the envelope with the winner’s name enclosed. And that winner is…


A late comer to the proceedings but she stormed in there and snaffled the award from under the other entrant’s noses. How about that? Miss Westinghouse, could we have a few words please?

27 comments January 14th, 2008

Tasty Hasty Paste – a novel idea

Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrows geniuses (using song)

Who are you? 

Elementary Westinghouse

What’s the Idea?

You know how it is. Decorating the spare room, putting up that wallpaper takes so long that you’re left starving hungry before you’re even nearly finished. Tasty Hasty Paste solves that problem.

What is it?

It’s a new formulation of wallpaper paste that lets you get the paper up in record time. It’s also edible, so if you remember to take a spoon in there with you along with the other wallpapering paraphernalia, you can just have a couple of mouthfuls of nutritious paste to keep you going. It’s also the only household adhesive that’s suitable for spreading on toast or muffins. (But not bagels – that’s highly dangerous.)

What does it do?

Tasty Hasty Paste is produced from a specially bred variety of Chronographic Beef. The time-altering properties of this type of meat cause time to appear faster to the paste than it does to the rest of the world. It’s an example of relative time dilation causality that is found in many common bovines. Because it’s made of beef it also has a warm aroma of hot Bovril that will fill any room decorated with it. And who could argue with that?

So what are you gonna do about it?

Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)

19 comments December 23rd, 2007

Chicken envelopes – a novel idea (retro, again)

Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrows geniuses (using song)

Who are you? 

Spice Cranford

What’s the Idea?

Chicken envelopes, we’ll beat the post office at their own game!

What is it?

Despite the dodgy-sounding name it is merely stationary, first envelopes and perhaps moving onto paper and greeting cards, that is made from chickens. Mainly the meat however there is the possibility of using the other less edible parts I suppose.

What does it do?

When you get a lovely breast of roast chicken and you first peel the skin back it looks like a blank canvas, like there should be something perhaps written there and there isn’t. We’re all being constantly disappointed. I say take that breast, carve it into an envelope shape and send something through the post be it romantic letter or birthday present it doesn’t matter. Plus when it arrives at the receipants address it’ll smell and probably taste of chicken; that’s never a bad thing in my eyes.

So what are you gonna do about it?

Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)

8 comments December 19th, 2007

Extendo-loins – a novel idea (retro)

Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrows geniuses (using song)

Who are you? 

Gardy Guh-huh-de-ha

What’s the Idea?

Extendo-loins. It’s a way of extending your loins beyond the normal human capacity.

What is it?

In conjunction with a grant by Jerry Loinsford’s Academy, I have been working on stretching parts of the human body starting with the loins. The extendo-loins allows you to stretch them up to an additional one metre and with further research I believe they can go further.

What does it do?

When you’re getting down and funky on the dancefloor and you see a hot bitch shuffling by herself and you want to get her attention you can extend the extendo-loins. Not only will your sexual prowess increase ten-fold but it’ll show her that she’s the only hot bitch for you. If it worked in the seventies it’s bound to work now.

So what are you gonna do about it?

Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)

24 comments September 25th, 2007

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