That’s me. Yeah. You can scorn with your piercing, angel-like eyes but deep down I know what I did and I am more than comfortable with it. There is not one drop of guilt in this frail old body, no sir. I was like a boxer and I pummeled those socky wocks good and proper. You would have done the same, possibly, probably, about fifty or so years ago. Maybe.
I wear a lot of socks, who doesn’t? With wearing comes tearing, so the saying goes, and I have come across a lot of holes in my time. Nobody likes holes. I refuse to back down when it comes to holes. I refuse to admit defeat and move onto the next pair of socks, so what did I do? I looked those suckers in the eye and gave ’em what for. That’s right.
I took one of their kind. I took one that had a hole in itself and cut that sucker up to pieces. Then I sewed the remains to the insides of the other socks with holes and all the while I was laughing, laughing, laughing like a happy chicken. It was a lot harder than I thought it was however I persevered and in the end I came out with some odd-looking socks. Yes, I now have some strange-looking apparel for my feet. Luckily they spend most of their time in shoes so I don’t need to make excuses.
If only I could mend shoes, now there’s an idea…
September 14th, 2011
I thought of this today and hated myself immediately:
Joke: What does Gok Wan say if someone is trying to buy him a drink but he’s already got one?
Answer: Gok Wan, thanks.
… don’t tell me how much you hate it ‘cos I already know.
June 20th, 2011
It’s official. I had no idea until recently but the still lovely but absent and probably finding Christ somewhere Shania Twain is in love with brackets possibly even more than the Papples. I didn’t think it was possible. She has three songs and singles from one album alone all with brackets in. Check out these monsters:
- The Woman In Me (Needs The Man In You).
- (If You’re Not In It For Love) I’m Outta Here!
- Home Ain’t Where His Heart Is (Anymore).
- Don’t Be Stupid (You Know I Love You).
- I’m Holdin’ On To Love (To Save My Life).
And my personal favourite:
- Thank You Baby! (For Makin’ Someday Come So Soon)
She apparently also doesn’t like the letter ‘G’. You won’t find these sorts of facts on wikipedia.
October 16th, 2010
Hello children! It’s time for another brilliant list of all the things that are in close proximity to me!
- fancy new VOIP telephone that doesn’t work very well, and requires you to press “OK” after you dial a number or it won’t do anything.
- 330ml bottle of Tesco apple juice (from concentrate), with about 40% of juice remaining.
- thermal non-spill mug with dregs of coffee in it.
- my portable telephone, currently set to vibrate.
- keyboard, manufactured by HP, with silver strip around the function keys.
- large speaker which is hardwired to Network Ringmain Point 22, so if you switch it on you can hear the Afghan Stream as carried by BBC FM relays in Kabul, Mazar and Herat.
- pair of Canford headphones, level limited to -93dBA, with tangled cable.
- lid of my USB pen drive.
- empty plastic cup.
- grey optical mouse with scroll wheel.
- my hands.
I will be delighted to answer your questions on this subject. Please raise your hand if you wish to make an enquiry.
August 5th, 2009
I knew it.
It was as if it came to me in a a dream, but not really a dream. A sort of fluffy dream cloud, like a dream, where it rested in my ears and settled like snow on a quilted meadowtop. In any case I have found conclusive proof that somebody, someone, a certain person predicted the glocal recession YEARS before. Oh yes, after much digging and deliberation I can reveal that that person is… Shania Twain.
Oh you may scoff like the rest of them did but here’s the proof chummies. Read these lyrics from her multi-award-winning best-single-ever song ‘Ka-Ching’:
“We’ve created us a credit card mess
We spend the money we don’t possess
Our religion is to go and blow it all
So it’s shopping every Sunday at the mall.”
And:
“When you’re broke go and get a loan
Take out another mortgage on your home
Consolidate so you can afford
To go an spend some more when you get bored.”
See? This was back in 2003. I didn’t see U2 or Bob Geldof grabbing a microphone and trying to warn us but she had the foresight. Even though the song was shit she dared to stand up and predict the future. Madam, I gesticulate in your general direction.
April 9th, 2009
I think you should do another Clifford because I’ve just been re-giggling at it.
I think with the right publicity you could corner the market on 90 second cartoons.
I think Clifford needs some ampage and your the guys to do it.
I think the cartoon should have some loins in it.
June 20th, 2007
“Disabled people don’t go shopping” – Tina
“She’s one sandwich short of a barbeque” – Audrey
“I saw it on the radio this morning” – Emma
“Can you wash cats?” – unknown munter
“Men’s winkies look like baby elephants gone wrong” – Nicola
Sometimes I wonder how the female species dare to ask for equality if this is the best they can come up with… just kidding 😉
June 1st, 2007
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece.
I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece.
I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them.
I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home.
I have a big car.
IÂ let one of them drive.
His name was Sigmund.
He was retarded.
In fact, none of them were really bright.
They kept punching themselves in the genitals.
I laughed.
They punched me in the genitals.
I stopped laughing.
When I got home, I herded them into my room.
They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment.
They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.
Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
They all died.
No apparent reason.
They all just sort of dropped dead.
Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.
God
Damn
Cheap
Monkeys.
I didn’t know what to do.
There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room.
On the bed,
In the dresser,
Hanging from my bookcase.
It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet.
It didn’t work.
It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals.
That worked for awhile, that is, until they began to decompose.
It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but, there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber.
I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds.
I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad.
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable.
I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed and the odor wasn’t improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom.
So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys.
I felt better.
I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates.
I told him I had a wet one.
He couldn’t take it either.
I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution:
I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn’t quite know what to say.
They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying.
Ingrates.
So I punched them in the genitals.
God, I like monkeys.
June 16th, 2006