Posts filed under 'Friut Fascists'

A Christmas Treat

So we’ve now managed a full twenty-four days and with only seven still to go I believe that we can finish this year well. When I say well though I do mean with a post for every day. ‘Well’ has so many… no actually it doesn’t, it’s pretty straightforward. So for all you lovers out there here is a song to warm your cockles and melt your heart:

Love My Face

Do you like my face?
Could you love my face with all your eyes?
If you loved my face would it taste
The sweetest you’ve ever spied?

‘Cos one thing I wouldn’t want
Would be to hear the lies
The ones that taint the taste
Taint the looks of your eyes

If you can’t look
At my wonderful face
And feel the thrills we once cried
Then you should walk away now, tootpaste
The well trodden path I despise

I might still call you
On the odd occasion, with no ties
To hear the words from your face
Let them drift into my eyes
There’s no rushing, no time to waste
I hope you know Ted Hughes is a spy

Once you lay waste to my face
Then my face will be disgraced
It will taste like mace
Do you want me to taste like mace?
I’m a waste of space without my face
But like space I will chase
Chase you and your face
Your face, full of grace… and raspberries

Actually that wasn’t very romantic and I think the last verse was supposed to be rapped. Erm… MERRY CHRISTMAS!

December 24th, 2009

So You Want To Learn How To Eat Beets?

So, you want to learn how to eat beets? Eating beets is not an easy thing. You can’t just pick them up and start mowing away like a man with a lawn. There is a subtle art and delicate nature to the eating of the beets and we are happily here to show you how.

Let’s start from the beginning. Fundamentally there are three ways to eat beets. The most common is the wrong way. The less most common is the right way. The one that flits about in the middle is the more less common but less more common than the other two way. For today’s seminar, if you can call it a seminar, we will focus on the less most common method, for it is the least known of the three.

What is a beet? Where do they come from? How do they arrive? We don’t have time for all the facts so we’ll say this: they do arrive safely and unharmed during the night. Are beets held hostage? Of course not. That would be silly.

Moving on now, the history of the beet is brief. They arrived in 1997 after too many people complained that the carrot was becoming too popular. Some believe it was multi-millionaire Frans Buldishot who bred a turnip with a bottle of purple colour dye to come up with the beet, which has since been confirmed as true. Beets are popular in most countries, including Guatamala.

So without further a do we can kindly guide you into the eating of beets. You want to know and we want to tell you. This is why these things work so well. It’s simple; the best way to eat beets is to not at all because they taste like sh*t.

4 comments December 10th, 2009

Newsboost Zoom Flume – Not Enough Beans

Following on from the recent and very successful ‘Zombie Bunny Big Beans’ advertising campaign, a shock survey has revealed that the respected and well-known website Pouring Beans does not have enough beans.

Three years or so in and with not much of a profitable following but yet a cult following in certain circles, Pouring Beans crashed onto the world wide web with a cheeky smile and an abusive attitude. The attitude was kerbed though and once all the misogynstic comments and rude pencil drawings had been removed it was considered a success. Not so much a success in the conventional sense of the word, more of a success within three friends who slapped each other on the back knowing that they had left a mark somewhere in this crazy world.

This survey though has seen PB morale drop to an all time low: just under the seven mark. “Being here and knowing that, I know that if I wasn’t here and I was somewhere else,” dribbled out Pouring Beans stalwart Ian “Mac Mac Mac Mac” McIver, “I’d still know that and it would make me cry.” Asked how the crew was going to deal with the crisis Mr McIver merely made an increasingly loud noise, mentioned something about being “hairy on the go” and fled the scene clutching his “welcomes”.

How they react to this is anyone’s guess. My guess is that they will put more beans on it. FACT!

17 comments December 1st, 2009



The Blackberry Six

REWARD: £50,000

for information resulting in their arrest

These six bastardly little blackberries have been on the run for several years now. They are suspected by the Metropolitan Police of having planted the devastating explosives, packed with orange juice and nasty little pips that get stuck in your teeth, which destroyed much of the Houses of Pear-Lemons in July 2001.

It is thought they are being held by a large, manicured hand in the West Midlands. Anyone with information on this vicious band of tossers should call Crimecrushers on 0909 999 999 999 989 999 999 5, or leave their name anonymously on this website.

16 comments August 6th, 2008

Fruit based Fascists episode 1

Roll up! Roll up! Come one, come all…

Come in and enjoy the wonderful world of fruit based fascists, today I have great pleaseure to present you, the marvelous viewing public with…

Continue Reading 13 comments May 7th, 2008

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