Posts filed under 'Chris Industries'
Title – Boy In A Bag
Tagline – ‘Bag yourself a winner’
Plot – Raymond Man is a boy who has lived in a sleeping bag since he was a child. Now, afraid to live in the real world, he refuses to get out and continues his existance inside. Everyone thinks it is to do with a phobia but secretly it is because of a huge boil on his back. With not many employers ready to offer a job and having left school with little experience Raymond, in his bag, sells boil in a bag food to passers-by on the high street. That is he does until he meets Kalindra Matte, a beautiful woman with a can-do attitude and a healthy smile. They become friends and Kalindra has to do whatever it takes to convince the boy in the bag with the boil on his back to leave his bag and stop selling boil in the bag.
Budget – Possibly in the region of five million clams.
Actors – I would love to see Gary Wilmott as the boy in a bag but as he’s pushing towards the outer limits of boyhood that might be difficult. Second choice would have to be Gary Oldman with Kerry Katona as the love interest.
June 15th, 2011
Are you the kind of person who doesn’t like confrontation and does everything they can to avoid it? Do you think of people as annoying and then not tell them to their face when really you should be screaming it into their see holes? Do you want something to push you over the edge and into the realm of ‘ARGH’? Then I think we have the product for you.
Presenting Can Angst!
Can Angst contains ten years of pure anger gathered from frustrated artists, moody teenagers and other sullen demographics. If you want to shout at little Timmy for not putting his skateboard away then Can Angst can be there for you. Just slide open the top and sniff the wonders inside. The warm smells of rage will filter into your nostrils and turn you from Betty Blue into Batty Bastard. You will tear through your kitchen with all the subtleness of the Incredible Hulk looking for a crapper.
Top scientists recommend it.
Seriously.
Would we lie to you?
When everyone else has deserted you Can Angst will still be there with a sympathetic shoulder for your to rest your stressed and veiny head on. Bring on the first day of the rest of your life. Bring on… CAN ANGST!
May 25th, 2011
Do you struggle with what to do on a Saturday night? Do you sit at home all by yourself with a bottle of whisky and wonder if there’s something better out there? Well think on no more because you need the razzlest, dazzlest, newest game on the scene – The X Factor Drinking Game.
All you need is some cheap alcohol and some promiscuous friends. Sit down to watch the X Factor and do a shot of your alcohol whenever you hear tedious phrases such as these:
- “You owned that stage!”
- “You made the song your own!”
- “(insert name), you know what I like about you…”
- “One million per cent yes!”
- “I really, really, genuinely like you.”
- “There’s a space in the market for a band/artist like you right now.”
You are guaranteed a minimum of about thirty per show so expect to be happy and pretty mashed by the end of it. Keep going and whoever is the last one standing, or who hasn’t turned the television off because they couldn’t take anymore, is the winner.
(The X Factor Drinking Game all rights reserved in the name of Smoochies Inc, in association with Chris Industries).
October 12th, 2010
A fellow work colleague has recently returned from her holiday in the United States where she discovered that for a small fee you can get your FACE put onto… M & M’s. You would think that an M & M, or an M, I never know which one it is, would be too small to house a FACE however Mars seems to think different. After a quick squizz on t’web there is also a website you can peruse at your pleasure:
http://www.mymms.com/customprint_faces/
This wouldn’t be right for the English market. We would need something that was bigger and down to earth, something from our history and our heritage. So here’s what we do; we put FACES onto pasties. With so many flavours (Cornish, Cheese, Steak, Cheese and Beans, Curry) at our disposal there is one for every occasion. We can have birthday FACEs. Imagine opening up a package and there’s you in a photo from your 8th birthday when you were pretending to be a Ghostbuster. Wedding FACEs, Barmitzvah FACEs, Anniversary FACEs.
If we can get some money behind this hound I’m sure we can make it. So, who’s got the cash to support this trash?
July 8th, 2010
Time is of the essence.
I have decided to take one of my more obscure business ventures and actually make it happen. Having visited a local bank I have managed to secure a small loan in order to get us up and running. I won’t go into too many details because there are rivals constantly watching me, trying to steal my ideas. Know this though: if they strike me down I will become more powerful than they could ever imagine…
Nah I’ll just do it now. I am going to open two shops: one selling eagles and one as an opticians with a twist in the centre of town. After people constantly mishearing what I am saying on the phone at work it was inevitable. The eagles we sell will be the best. The opticians will all be dressed as birds. This time next year Optimum Eagles and Opticle Seagulls will be raking the money in.
You may offer to buy shares now.
May 5th, 2010
As it happens, before any of us have realised, we are hurtling towards Christmas on a broken truck with three wheels, two gears and a wing mirror covered in toffee. Did you like that? You can sing it if you want to.
In order to really get into the spirit I have devised a new concept that can neatly fit into most of the ideas I come up with as well as sparking up a few imaginative pennies along the way. I am currently in the process of writing a Gangster Christmas Album and was wondering if you would like to contribute. Obviously beneath the violence, the swearing, the carnage and the chaos there will be heartfelt tales of shopping and families as that’s what Christmas is all about, right?
I’m pulling in a few guest collaborators to help with the music but any song lyrics, titles, ideas or anything like that would be gratefully acknowledged. You can also help with the tunes too. There are no boundaries when it comes to Festive Hip Hop.
September 14th, 2009
Here’s one in the eye for all those literary buffs who think that we’re all about nonsensical futile discussions about chagrins and stuff. This here represents the highest point in modern fiction. Thanks to the remenants of Chris Industries we managed to secure the rights to publish the debut story by Byzantium Terror, a whiper snapper of unbelievable proportions.
Read the first part and loathe yourself.
Pet away! Pet away!
Once upon a time in a far distant kingdom there was a young girl called Iris. Iris was not what usually constituted a young girl because really she was just a pair of eyes and no other features. No nose to smell the sweet smells of spring, no mouth to taste the wonderful culinary delights of Senor Sauce, no ears to hear the music that swept through the valley. She was a pair of eyes, oh, and a small pair of feet to help her get about. When you’re only a pair of eyes with a tiny pair of feet your life is pretty limited to walking about and looking at things which is what Iris would do every single day of her life. Don’t get me wrong, she saw some wonderful things during her lifetime in Soreen Sity but it all came down to the fact that she lacked the other parts of her that everyone else seemed to have. So it came about that after ten years of living in this state that, sat on the top of the hill overlooking her village, she decided to leave. There were tales written that in the far off regions of the country there were others held in a similar state such as her; a nose to the north, some ears to the east, a mouth to the south and a face in the west. With nothing keeping her where she lived Iris left one warm summer morning and started in the direction north hoping to find something if not hope for her condition.
A couple of miles from her quaint cottage she came across a bridge that swayed back and forth in the light breeze. There was a problem though; the middle part of the bridge was missing! She was glad she had seen such an obvious error and sat back to wonder how to deal with it. For once she was quite relieved to have huge, looming eyes as otherwise she would have walked to her death. There’s no telling how delicate a sole pair of eyes is and how much damage they could take from a 10ft drop into a mildly lukewarm trickle of water. Just then a parade of travelling musicians came up behind her. They were playing the best jazz-fusion the world had ever heard; only the only person within five miles of this place was Iris who was unable to hear it. She could see them wandering towards the bridge so caught up in their music. A disaster was on the horizon. As fast as her little legs could carry her she ran at the troop hoping to prevent them from a fall but with no mouth to warn of the impending doom she was powerless. Over they went, still playing their provocative jazz as they fell through the air into the slow-moving stream below. Iris felt a pang of sadness at knowing their fate but luckily because the water was shallow they succeeded in making it to the lower bank on the other side albeit instrument slightly wetted. She saw it all. The musicians waved back at her with great cheer and admiration for such a lovely pair of eyes. Had she the power of hearing she would have heard a wolf whistle or two along with some racy remarks to make even the most heavy-hearted of people blush into the deepest shade of red.
CONTINUES TOMORROW
June 15th, 2009
Chris Industries International Ltd. is sorry to announce that its pre-tax profits for the 2006-07 financial year were some way below forecasts.
CII Ltd’s chairman, Chris, blamed the result on the unexpected departure of the public face of the company, Pete Doherty, and the resulting downturn in sales.
Since Mr Doherty’s departure, the company has racked up £14bn in debts, partly due to its poor performance in rotissomat technologies.
The ailing company has been acquired by Richard Branson, who remains optimistic that he can turn around CII’s fortune. From April 10th 2007, CII Ltd will be known as Virgin Pet Care.
April 7th, 2007
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Chris Industries International Ltd. is sorry to announce the departure of the face of CII, world renowned musician Pete Doherty.
Mr Doherty had appeared in all CII Ltd. marketing material, voiced radio commercials and carried out ‘meeting and greeting’ tours in the CII Ltd. retail superstores across the globe.
Chris, Megaboss of CII Ltd., said today: “I’m sorry to see Pete end the deal. I’ve long been a fan of Pete’s moronic lifestyle and I thought he lived the lifestyle that we wanted to offer our customers. Whether he was advertising our dog grooming services or our exciting range of luxury wheelbarrows, he’s what our customers wanted.
Pete Doherty today commented: “I read this thing on their website, where someone posted some stuff Chris said about me, and now I don’t like him much.â€?
Mr Doherty now plans to take some time out with his partner, Kate Moss, in their luxury hideaway resort in Cleethorpes.
Chris Industries International Ltd. denies that this could spell the end of their global brand and are currently looking in to their options.
His partner Kate Moss was said to be “past it�.
March 27th, 2007
Chris Industries International Ltd. is proud to announce the new face of CII – the world renowned musician Pete Doherty.
From April 2007, Pete will appear in all CII Ltd. marketing material, will voice radio commercials and will also do ‘meeting and greeting’ tours in the new CII Ltd. retail superstores.
Chris, Megaboss of CII Ltd., said today: “I’m delighted with the deal. I’ve long been a fan of Pete’s moronic lifestyle and I think he lives the lifestyle that we want to offer our customers. Whether he’s advertising our dog grooming services or our exciting new range of luxury wheelbarrows, he’s what our customers want.
Pete Doherty today commented: “Yeah. What?”
The deal is unique in the world of marketing, in that Mr. Doherty will not be paid money for his services, and instead will be just given whatever he would have spent the money on.
His partner Kate Moss was said to be “quite thin”.
March 23rd, 2007
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