Wobbly Dog and Flat Kitty – Atrocity Exhibition

May 27th, 2006

One day as the sun shone on the well-caked world Flat Kitty and Wobbly Dog sat outside in the garden. “What shall we do today?” asked Flat Kitty, “it seems like such a lovely day I’d hate to waste it indoors.”
“An adventure would certainly suit a day like this,” replied Wobbly Dog, “like a ride in a hot air balloon or a trek through an Amazonian rain forest.” Flat Kitty thought hard to rack her brain to work out what to do on this glorious of days and also how such an ill-educated dog knew of the lush greenery of a country miles and miles away. “I’ve got it, a trip to the zoo!” she gasped with excitement and sprinted around the garden. When I say sprint though what I really mean is she jigged on the spot and made the poorest of efforts to move from side to side. Not really the same. “Excellent, let’s go!” shouted Wobbly Dog quite clearly caught up in the moment and couldn’t prevent himself from falling into the paddling pool. Flat Kitty flopped to his rescue. “Thanks, I just needed to cool off before we embarked on our expedition,” mumbled Wobbly Dog lying to preserve his pride.

The outside world was busy and full of people pushing and shoving. Wobbly Dog and Flat Kitty hopped onto a bus and took a ride to the zoo. It was only seventeen miles just down the road. For the sake of a few more lines though they took several twists and turns, down many alleys and under bridges of wonder. They struggled to read the variety of different messages scralled on the walls of the inner city ghettos but they knew that each one of them was a life-affirming message of hope. The bus was alive with munters reading the free paper and playing high-pitch, speeded up music on their mobile phones. One of them even tried to sit on the hapless pair thinking they were rubbish!

The bus stopped and Flat Kitty and Wobbly Dog got off. The gate to the zoo was huge and thankfully, because it was a weekday, the queues were non-existant like those days at Alton Towers when you managed to make it through the 26km sponsored walk your school had arranged for you and this was your prize for doing so. “Where should we go?” asked Flat Kitty, “there’s so much to choose from.” Scratching his head Wobbly Dog said, “I think we should start with the monkeys.” He narrowly managed to avoid the fresh chewing gum on the path but failed to notice the huge blob of tomato ketchup. “Gosh, I better be careful, I wouldn’t want the animals thinking I was food and eating me!” Now I think of myself as an intelligent person and even if I was one of the simplest of creatures with a brain the size of a pea I wouldn’t confuse a small, cardboard dog covered in a condiment as food. They followed the signs towards the monkey enclosures barely containing their excitement.

The monkeys were a playful bunch. They would hang on the ceiling and bound about the cages. “They look so much fun,” commented Flat Kitty, “but I’m really hungry now after seeing all those bananas,” the weak-minded fool. Wobbly Dog wobbled in acknowledgement, “Yes perhaps a snack is in order. I’ll go get us some ice creams.”
“Yum yum yum,” murmured Flat Kitty sounding like the victim of a mace attack. Wobbly Dog wandered off to search for the ice cream truck or stall of whatever. You may be thinking how does a six inch tall dog obtain such snacks of tastiness with no hands and no money. You’ll label it a huge plot hole but back walked Wobbly Dog with two ice creams in his hands and a grin on his face. “Yum yum yum,” reiterated Flat Kitty pushing the ice cream practically into her mouth. Wobbly Dog watched as his toppled from his cone down to the murky dirt-ridden pavement. “Nevermind, you can have some of mine,” laughed a cruel Flat Kitty passing the remenants of hers to Wobbly Dog’s wobbly paws. “Yum,” said Wobbly Dog crunching on the bitter cone of embarassment.

They moved onto the various other animals such as the elephants, the jiggly-affs, the parrots and some hippos. It was so much fun seeing the animals and playing. Much more fun than say fumbling around in a cellar for five hours. This is much more interesting. Still, there’s mediocre and there’s mediocre. Seeing friends or write about Flat Kitty and Wobbly Dog? Going out and having a laugh or writing about Flat Kitty and Wobbly Dog? Sharing saliva with my best friend’s wife in the backseat of his Mercedes or sat in the dark penning tales of moronic desperation? I know which one I’d choose.

Flat Kitty sighed when it was finally time to leave. “It’s such a shame it has to end so soon. I was having so much fun,” she said trying to hide her disappointment. “We’ll be back before you know it,” said Wobbly Dog reassuringly although still upset about not getting ice cream and the fact that she scoffed all of hers. “Really? Oh joy. That’s something to look forward to,” squealed Flat Kitty. The sun was beginning to set as they stood waiting at the bus stop for the next service to arrive. “Oh dear,” said Wobbly Dog, “it seems as though we’ve missed the last bus.” How they could have done being five thirty in the evening is beyond me. He must have read it wrong. “So what should we do?” asked Flat Kitty. “We’ll have a merry walk home instead. I love fresh air,” exclaimed Wobbly Dog. So off they jolly well went. Seventeen miles ahead of them and the night closing in, who’s to say what will happen to our two clueless heroes. I would but unfortunately that’s a completely different story… 😉

BATTLING DEMONS, VAMPIRES AND LIONEL BLAIR HOBOS, FLAT KITTY AND WOBBLY DOG WILL RETURN!!!

Entry Filed under: Bedtime stories