Coaster Love
December 29th, 2008
Look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t been tempted. I’m right there in front of you, sat there in your line of vision. Don’t look away, don’t be coy I can see you’re interested. Beneath that tough exterior lies a heart just like anyone else. I can feel it. You could easily reach out and grab me, use me. It would be so simple. Nobody would think any less of you. In fact you would probably be praised, applauded even. You never know unless you try. I want you to. My purpose is for you and only you, no-one else. I won’t be here forever. It’s your choice but I’d rather have you than someone else. This the most honest I can be. I wouldn’t lie about something like this. So do it right now. Push out the boat; take the bull by the horns. Lean forward and tell me you want me, like you want to. Whisper sweet nothings to me without a second thought. Be rough, as rough as you want to, if that’s what you want. I look delicate but I’m tough. I can take whatever you want to give me. I can handle myself, I’m so used to it now. Put it down. Right now. Right on top of me. Swirl it about a bit. Swivel it from side to side. Shake it. Spill it all over me, oh yeah, maybe you want to. Make it messy. Make it dirty. Put the drink on me. Put it down bitch! Now! Now!!! Fucking pussy. I’m a coaster for God’s sake! It’s hardly astrophysics! Grow a set will ya?
Entry Filed under: Bedtime stories,Great,Ian,Loins,Shut up
19 Comments
1. Chris | December 31st, 2008 at 16:01
I don’t know what to say to this. So I say the following:
Flimsy Jimsy
Glass of Pimmsy
Climbing gently
On a Bentley.
Thank you.
2. Kevil | January 3rd, 2009 at 16:24
I only want to say that this has profoundly disturbed me. I doubt i will ever use a coaster again.
3. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | January 5th, 2009 at 09:12
It tells it how it is. The truth, the real truth! You think they’re oh so innocent but my word, how they would love to fongle (I meant fondle but fongle sounds worse) your glass.
4. Auds | January 6th, 2009 at 09:58
Did you create this after watching Nigella? You know how you go a bit funny when she’s on telly.
5. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | January 6th, 2009 at 09:59
I do, but I didn’t if that makes sense. Coaster love is an entirely original concept by Smoochies Inc (trademark, copyright, bundle of lurve).
6. Auds | January 7th, 2009 at 09:54
All I’m saying is, you have a different attitude to Nigella than you do to Keith Floyd or Antony Worrall Thompson. And they all do the same job. And by some of your recent postings, anyone would think it was you who was doing the passive smoking and not inhaling in Amsterdam, not me. But keep it up hairyboy, you’re deein canny.
7. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | January 7th, 2009 at 13:08
I’m deein canny well like. Ye see me, ye, me be he!
I wish there was a job for doing annoying voices. It’d be a cinch. Audrey has been listening to them all morning and she’s confirmed that it’s one of the most annoying voices she’s ever heard. Net gain.
P.S. Leave Nigella out of this
8. Auds | January 8th, 2009 at 13:44
he’s doing the voice thing again right now.
9. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | January 8th, 2009 at 14:41
You’ve gotta love my can-do attitude to life
10. Auds | January 9th, 2009 at 15:00
I do. In fact I have written to the Controller of the BBC (Marshall) and suggested a new television programme starring yourself –
“Crack One Off” (loosely based on Crackerjack)
Instead of a crackerjack pencil, you give away boxes of tissues.
And there’s a prize and a cabbage for the best funny voice. and an award for “Person Most Likely to become a Rent Boy”. Blue Peter – fuck off!
11. Auds | January 9th, 2009 at 17:58
its just come to me in a flash who hairy boy reminds me of.
Chuck Norris.
12. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | January 12th, 2009 at 09:43
The weak-a*s kung fu guy from America who starred in all those lame action films? Great. Another award-winning comparrision there, Auds 😛
13. Auds | January 12th, 2009 at 14:20
I wasn’t comparing – after all, I haven’t seen you in any lame action films nor indeed have I seen you doing any kung fooey type stuff. I just said you reminded me of Chuck Norris because of the rug dangling from your chinny chin chin.
14. Kevil | January 14th, 2009 at 09:52
Are you mit beard?
15. Chris | January 14th, 2009 at 13:33
I do hope he isn’t too overwhelmingly hirsute in the facial region.
16. I-MAC | January 14th, 2009 at 13:38
I HAVE MORE FACE THAN YOU!
Yes I am with beard, but not child. Beards are cheaper and more profitable, but the scratchiness makes them less comfortable in the responsibility stakes.
Net… stalemate?
17. Chris | January 21st, 2009 at 21:59
Net swap.
Is it uncomfortable responsibility?
18. Auds | January 23rd, 2009 at 09:57
less Chuck Norris, more Chewbacca now.
19. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | January 23rd, 2009 at 11:15
I have been compared to the Wookie, various grizzly animals and Chuck Norris. Someone even dared to say I looked like mo fo’ing James Blunt! What is the world coming to?