Silly Bint Of The Month – Alesha Dixon

June 17th, 2009

I suppose dear Alesha could also fall under ‘She’s Fit (but the musics shit)’, the almost forgotten distant cousin of ‘SBOTM’. I’m not one for attacking sacred cows, nor am I one for attacking any sort of cows. In fact if I was to attack any animal the cow wouldn’t be on the list it’s just that despite coming across as a geniunely nice person she’s really beginning to boil my piss.

No, that’s wrong. She has been for a while. It’s that same age old predicament; successful or semi successful British Girl / Boy Band split up, usually after two years or more (see Blue, Five, Busted etc) and everyone has a pop shot at solo careers. I could spend a whole article just detailing how wrong Blue were and that their impending come back is as welcome as a spitoon in the face. As soon as Mis-Teeq hit the ropes I knew one of them would try and surprisingly it was the weird rapping one with the man voice. She has a go with the career (‘Lipstick’ single at No. 14, ‘Knockdown’ at No. 45), doesn’t get very far because everyone stop caring and gets dropped from her label.

Then mother buggering celebrity dancing shows came along and all of a sudden it was as if someone had flung open the doors to all the minor, vomit-inducing idiots you’d forgotten about. They’d make a pratt out of themselves just to be on television again. Do we blame them? Of course not, it’s money, there’s a financial crisis, they need to pay for their nip tuck or face tuck or whatever the fuck it is that they do to make them still look at though they’re young and hip from 1985.

Alesha wins some dancing competition and someone offers her another record deal. This means two things: 1) everyone is forced to listen to cringe-inducing sexist overtones of ‘The Boy Does Nothing’ for months while it lingers in the charts like a bad fart and 2) she’s unfortunately back in the public eye. It’s a simple fact love, if the boy does nothing, right, if he doesn’t wash up or clean up or do anything, right, you know what you do? You sling the git, that’s what you do. You don’t jiggle your ass on a stage and complain about it. I mean if a guy wrote a song about how crap his girlfriend was most people would be outraged. It would probably be banned and condoned by Parliament.

What really summed it up for me was when she was performing on some charity-based event. It could have been Red Nose Day but I wasn’t paying that much attention. She was promoting her new single ‘Let’s Get Excited’ and, well, despite her singing and dancing and smiling for all her worth ironically the audience looked as though excitement was the last thing on their mind after hearing how awful the song was.

And calling the album ‘The Alesha Show’? Shudder, shudder.

Entry Filed under: Silly Bint of the Month