Pick up something on your desk and look at it. Now, look a little bit closer. What can you see?
Scientists up until recently believed that things were made up of smaller things. These things were known as atoms or adams to those who couldn’t say the word properly however in a groundbreaking set of experiments evidence has come forward to disprove much of this. It would appear that things are not made up of atoms but something else called tumps.
Tumps make up everything in this world and possibly the next. Everything from the clothes you are wearing to the coffee in your mug and the itch in your crotch. Tumps make the world go round, possibly even moreso than flans and tarts. How do we know this? Professor Reuben of the Chop University of Tyneside concluded that, “things are things and these things have tumps.” You can’t say fairer than that.
So next time you’re kicking a dove or handing bleach to a tramp give a smile and a wink to tumps.
November 3rd, 2010
Ian
I am going to seal the deal in a wigwam.
October 25th, 2010
Ian
It’s official. I had no idea until recently but the still lovely but absent and probably finding Christ somewhere Shania Twain is in love with brackets possibly even more than the Papples. I didn’t think it was possible. She has three songs and singles from one album alone all with brackets in. Check out these monsters:
- The Woman In Me (Needs The Man In You).
- (If You’re Not In It For Love) I’m Outta Here!
- Home Ain’t Where His Heart Is (Anymore).
- Don’t Be Stupid (You Know I Love You).
- I’m Holdin’ On To Love (To Save My Life).
And my personal favourite:
- Thank You Baby! (For Makin’ Someday Come So Soon)
She apparently also doesn’t like the letter ‘G’. You won’t find these sorts of facts on wikipedia.
October 16th, 2010
Ian
This may be common knowledge however I don’t think I have ever come across it myself. Having received a weird text message from my brother I was directed towards Clowns International which is the official website if you want to become a clown. It has ideas about being a clown and what you should do if you want to do it professionally.
The strange thing is that when you register to become a clown you have to paint your clown face onto an egg, which is then stored somewhere to prevent duplication of the make-up (how you are supposed to do this in a world of six billion people I couldn’t say). If you happen to still be practising as a clown when you die the members of Clowns International smash the egg, as if your entire existence was based on that egg.
Words alone can’t describe how strange that is.
October 14th, 2010
Ian
Do you struggle with what to do on a Saturday night? Do you sit at home all by yourself with a bottle of whisky and wonder if there’s something better out there? Well think on no more because you need the razzlest, dazzlest, newest game on the scene – The X Factor Drinking Game.
All you need is some cheap alcohol and some promiscuous friends. Sit down to watch the X Factor and do a shot of your alcohol whenever you hear tedious phrases such as these:
- “You owned that stage!”
- “You made the song your own!”
- “(insert name), you know what I like about you…”
- “One million per cent yes!”
- “I really, really, genuinely like you.”
- “There’s a space in the market for a band/artist like you right now.”
You are guaranteed a minimum of about thirty per show so expect to be happy and pretty mashed by the end of it. Keep going and whoever is the last one standing, or who hasn’t turned the television off because they couldn’t take anymore, is the winner.
(The X Factor Drinking Game all rights reserved in the name of Smoochies Inc, in association with Chris Industries).
October 12th, 2010
Ian
PouringBeans now has its own twitter account. I realise this is probably pointless, but its free and ive done it already so there.
It should post site updates to the twittersphere via the handily named @pouringbeans account.
Follow us now… or else.
October 8th, 2010
Kevil
There are girls who on hills
And girls who live in towns
I was smart enough to find the one to drag me down.
I brought her some cake, said it was too sweet.
I bought her a house, it was on the wrong street.
I brought her some drugs, they were the wrong kind,
She wanted the ones that went pop in your mind.
I gave her a puppy, said its chops were all twisted,
“It’s common at that age,” I quietly insisted.
We even made a baby, even that wasn’t correct,
How should I know she wanted the opposite sex?
When it came to the end of the world I just frowned,
Something told me there’d be problems around.
And there was. In spades. Heaped in a pile
That woman there raised a wicked smile,
“It wasn’t how I planned it,” she said from her chair,
Like you could plan something uncommon, so rare.
Apparently asteroids and volcanoes and ashes weren’t in,
The path of destruction should be a cosmic explosion.
The colours were too fluid, the temperature too hot,
By this time I was ready to explode, I kid not.
If it was all going to end in a short space of time
I’d rather not spend it listening to that thing whine.
Me and Gerry, out space cadet son,
Only aged eight yet courageous and handsome,
We snuck out the back door, trying not to laugh,
We left her to deal with the horrible aftermath
Alone, our last moments were spent enjoying the peace,
Eating hotdogs and sandwiches and tasty roast beef.
Arthur “Lemon” Lemonson
October 7th, 2010
Ian
It has gone on long enough and today is the day where credit is given to where the credit should have already gone. It’s very easy to say how instrumental certain people in the music biz were but where would they have all been without Terence Gravy?
You may not have heard of Terence Gravy but he is a musical pioneer, or at least he was back in 1928. It was a very different time back then; full of cakes and misery. Terence was born in a small log shed in the back garden of WG Grace. Fast forward twenty-five years and Terence is twenty-five years old and studying English Literature at the University of Struggling Writers. It was here that he started writing poetry and his most famous and accomplished poem was ‘Here Ye, Here Ye’. You also may not have heard of this poem however take some time to search it out.
“Oh how I long for thee, sweet maiden alone,
We could play some chess at your home”
‘Here Ye, Here Ye’ is the first known text to offer the rhyming couplet of ‘home’ and ‘alone’. Indeed without this most pop songs from the last fifty years would have suffered, or maybe not even have existed at all. Georgie ‘Buckfast’ Cannon may have been the first to rhyme ‘lady’ with ‘baby’, again another pioneer who remains in the shadows, but Terence set the standard. I hope everyone reading this will raise a muffin and toast his legend.
October 5th, 2010
Ian
I have decided that the normal life I lead just isn’t good enough anymore. I need the rush and excitement of something more, something better. So having taken leave of my senses I will don a disgusting costume made of old socks and take to the streets as… FANKSMAN!
Not only does Fanksman do his best to stop villains from completing villainous acts of crime but he also puts his hand out to shake those citizens who are doing their bit to help the community. Fanksman wants to share the thanks and offer up the thanks and throw a couple of thanks here and there. He will dispense the thanks where it needs to be dispensed.
With his signature move, the Crimson Tongue, and faithful sidekick Chops there is nothing they cannot achieve.
Yes, with Fanksman on their side people will feel safe and sound.
September 29th, 2010
Ian
If you are under the age of five, live in the South Wales area and you are in need of some financial security then you may want to pay a visit to Trailwing Infant School. A profiteering group of young children have started up their own bank using sand as currency to the rest of the playground in an attempt to try and balance the economy.
“It was touch and go for a while,” advised Head Teacher Lucious Lush, “there was no stability at all. Most of the children were coming to school with rocks or twigs rather than toys. Nobody was trading; they would all sit and stare at trees, looking for a better future. Then two kids, Yorick and Taffy, decided that enough was enough and they set up what is now the main office of ‘Doodlebugs Plc’.”
Doodblebugs has been running for six months now. On average they are exchanging up to seven tonnes of sand every day, with a competative set of rates and exclusive accounting extras. They employ up to six staff now, with nap time and milking privileges as standard.
“There’s been a complete change since Doodlebugs started. It’s so effective that I myself have my very own bank account. I’m just so glad that someone came in to help out as we were really struggling.”
The managing directors of the bank were unavailable for comment although it has been mentioned that the bank has become so successful that a second and third branch are expected by the end of year, located next to the climbing frame and over by the pond respectively.
September 27th, 2010
Ian
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