In preparation for the forthcoming Papples album I have been working on some new material. It’s been a hard process, especially with the second half of the Paps being so far away, and one which has taken its toll on my fragile little mind. I had a strange daydream where I imagined that within a woman’s face I saw another face and that I decided that the face within the face was the face of a woman who I should be going out with.
So, in the dream obviously, I ditched the woman with the face and went looking for the woman with the face within the face. When I eventually found this particular woman I relayed the story to her in a musical format, plucked sheepishly and played ever so badly on a ukulele. Then when I woke from my daydream I started writing some lyrics down to describe this event.
It’s a shame the lyrics weren’t very good though. In their broken down, half-arsed way they show potential. I hope to harness that potential like a sloth and whip it soundly to bed:
You wouldn’t believe the journey I’ve had
It’s been a long time coming
My face is a little jumbled so I hope you don’t start running
It’s a curious story of sorts
Let me dabble in your thoughts
I’m looking for a thesaurus
I’m not quite ready for the chorus
I was seeing this girl, she was freckled to the max
This was important, I’ll keep to the facts
One day I looked into her eyes and missed and hit her cheek
And tracing lines between the spots I couldn’t help but peek
There traced was a face
That was your face
Your face was on her face
It had to be a sign
CHORUS
Your face on her face
It was unquestionably yours
Your eyes under her eyes
I shouldn’t say anymore
How do you find a face
You’ve seen on another face?
It’s a Herculean task, make no mistake
I’ve powered through cinemas
Supermarkets and streets
I’ve sieved the shops and churches
At the expense of my feets
Every nightclub in the area I have scoured
Every bouncer overpowered
I get thrown out a lot for knocking on the ladies
“I’m just handing round a drawing man
Not trying to make babies!”
CHORUS
I picture you in fragrant meadows
Red dresses and silk
Hiding under brollies, sipping Irn Bru
Napping under quilts
The fact that I have found you
Despite all of the odds…
Actually now that I get a good look
If I’m being true
I was expecting something more
Give us your number and I’ll get back to you
CHORUS
Little known fact: This post contains more ‘faces’ than any other post ever posted.
September 13th, 2011
Ian
Yeah. It’s very modern to put your hand up and tell everyone what’s wrong with you, in fact it’s downright encouraged in an office because it gives everyone something to talk about in-between the dull emptiness of everything else.
I unfortunately don’t have a very interesting addiction. At the moment I cannot help but scour amazon.co.uk for cheap cds. Not that I ever have any time to spin the damn things, which is what doesn’t make sense. Why go to the trouble and expense of searching for and buying the things when I never seem to have any time to listen to music? My I-Pod has about as much space as a seedy garage so no luck there. I’m even considering buying a personal CD player (like everyone had in 1997) however the last one, as well as me being a bit cack-handed with the discs themselves, seemed to scratch everything I put into it.
I should probably give in and download it. I don’t want to though; I like the swathes of CDs lining my shelves, well I would if I had shelves. They’re all currently jammed behind books and that because I decided to move things around in my room recently. So if I had shelves, long shelves, I would lovingly stare at them for hours and hours.
Honestly I would.
P.S. This post started off as something completely different.
September 12th, 2011
Ian
I have recently been thinking about how about films are and how they are given sequels to make more money rather than to continue the story. Which is a bit of a shame, for the best trilogies and quadrilogies are ages old now such as Back to the Future, Die Hard (bar Die Hard 4, for the sheer pomposity), the original Star Wars and the Lord of the Rings. What we need is a new idea to bring a new trilogy to the masses, one that’s made for practically nothing and will easily bring in a cool mil or so.
Fast forward to my idea. Three films to encapsulate the feelings and frustrations of the 21st century. Films that you can identify with, that you can sit down and watch for hours on end. Films that make you think and feel and hate and love in equal measures.
Fast forward to my idea then. Three films: Sitting, Walking and Running.
The first film takes into account how backwards-thinking society is and how old ideas are recycled rather than brand new ones being created. It’d be three hours of a woman sat on a chair.
The second film shows how gradually people are moving into the future but not at the kind of pace that they should be, how meandering life can be, how people get caught up on the little things that they fail to see the big picture. It’d be three hours of a woman walking along a street.
In the final thrilling film we look at how success can easily lead into failure, how people never stop to think about what they’re saying or doing and jump in with both feet first and to hell with the consequences. The result would be a first for the film industry; three hours of a woman running along the street.
I await my Oscars in the post.
September 8th, 2011
Ian
Over the weekend myself and my counterpart, Mr Professor R of R & R, were researching some matters of interest and came across this rather striking article from 1951 concerning the Yetiferous Cornicopious or Yeti as they are now commonly referred to as.
The Common Yeti
Following the astounding discovery of the skeleton at Ford’s Nook in 1947, the intrepid explorer, Mr Julip Juanoto, has added further to the mystery of the yeti by displaying several of his findings in an exhibition at the Cake Stand in New York. Not only do most of his theories contradict everything that has been seen so far but they take the idea of the yeti and yetis into a completely different direction.
“I no longer want people to refer to them as abominable snowmen because that is a horrible and unfortunately name to have,” explained Mr Juanoto, “it is also entirely incorrect as the yeti is neither made of snow nor a man. The yeti is a construct comprised of wood.”
Yes. The yeti is apparently entirely made of wood.
Mr Juanoto has offered many drawings but not much conclusive evidence to support his statements. His main focus of attention is that nobody has ever really seen the yeti because they are very good at hiding themselves in the forests and woodland areas. All they need to do is stand next to a tree to conceal them and the naked eye can no longer locate them. This then would mean that the skeleton from Ford’s Nook was a fake, if the theory can be proved.
“It is completely codswallop,” demands Thelonius Arkender, who claims to have been chased by a yeti in 1946, “the one that was baying for my blood was at least seven feet tall and covered in woolly fur, like wool. There was no way that sucker was made of wood. If there was only the chance of getting splinters in my mitts then I would have turned and fought the monster. As it happens he had more teeth like the local choir and there was no way I was going to choke at the age of 37.”
So then we will have to leave it to the realm of the imagination, or some hard evidence, to decide which is true.
September 5th, 2011
Ian
September 1st, 2011
Ian
We are no longer approaching September; we are clearly on its doorstep. If September happens to come out, possibly to check if the milk has been delivered or to see what the weather is like, they will catch us perching on on the step. I will be peering through the letterbox when really all I want to do is run screaming, screaming, screaming into the street and hope that August comes back with a nice cold drink and a pat on the back.
Fat chance though. August hopped town as soon as it could leaving nothing but drizzle and disappointment. “Where’s my summer?” I shout, shaking my fist in the air. It doesn’t look back and it doesn’t care.
So let’s all gather round in a nice circle and look forward to all the things that Autumn has to offer such as conkers, a new television schedule, a chance to wear hats and all those new greatest hits albums close to the big chill at the end of the year.
August 31st, 2011
Ian
Having established my empire back in the late 18th century I think it would take a fool the size of Lincolnshire to claim that I wasn’t very good at selling things. I’ve been there through the highs and the lows and now that we’re back in the lows I should pass on some of my knowledge to those who require it. And here it is:
“You can sell anything to anyone with the help of some bears.”
Now we’re not talking some domesticated, Winnie the Pooh sort of bear. What I mean is one of the wilder, more unhinged bears. The ones with the big face and the large paws. Them ones. You get yourself a couple of them and the skys the limit and various other cliches.
Place whatever it is you want to sell inside a rather large cage then put the bears inside the big cage in a small cage. Cover the bears with a fruit-covered blanket to give the impression of space and open the door to allow people in to inspect what you’re trying to sell. If they don’t look interested or if they try to leave you shut the door of the big cage and threaten to unleash the bears unless they buy your product.
Simple and effect, this method can be used over and over for repeated success. Try it; you just might like it.
August 23rd, 2011
Ian
If one morning you woke up, as usual, and prepared to go to work, as usual, and had your breakfast and drank your coffee or tea, as usual, and put your coat and shoes on, as usual, and you get into your car, as usual, and turn the key. What, then, would you do if the car wouldn’t start?
Furthermore, if one would continue to ponder, if you went to open the hood of the car to check the engine and you discovered that the engine had, in fact, been stolen and replaced by one made out of dry pasta shapes, what would you do?
Would you call the police to report a theft?
Would you call your insurance company?
Or would you bag up the pasta, take it inside and, after work, collect the ingredients to make a lovely pasta sauce?
August 16th, 2011
Ian
I have today, whilst carrying a box, decided that a good idea for a short film would be a man carrying a box. Who is that man? I do not know. What is he carrying in his box? I also don’t know. There are many questions that need answering before Man With A Box can come to fruition. I hope that it does though.
I feel as though we need a project to re-energise the beans and re-group the members. After the collective shambles that was moving Chris into his new flat and how we almost destroyed each other I suppose we should return to what we originally did; wasting our lives on film.
I see a low budget. I see flimsy acting and non-existant scenary other than the streets, and everyone knows the streets come for free. I see it lasting only ten minutes and you both editing it in less than a day. The script is practically written.
Leave it to me; I’ve got this!
August 9th, 2011
Ian
Today somebody at work asked the question, “what is winter?”
It’s a good question. For some it sounds like a stupid question but to me I like to address it on all levels, so in order to do so I have written a short poem. I hope you enjoy it.
Winter
What is winter?
Is it just snow? No, it’s not.
It’s more than snow.
DEEP LIKE THE SNOW. I am.
The answers are within me,
Buried, also like the snow.
I will respond to them like echoes
Across snow-ridden clifftops.
Ah. So it is mainly about snow then.
That answers my question.
Winter is snow.
Oh, and Christmas too,
With a smidge of festoons added for good measure.
It came from the heart, so I told the heart to do better next time.
August 8th, 2011
Ian
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