The First Annual Mr Cockall Innovation Awards Ceremony
January 14th, 2008
Thank you and welcome to the first annual Mr Cockall Innovation Awards Ceremony. My name is Winky Winkerson and I am here at this third rate, knock off awards ceremony to celebrate the best of the ideas suggested by various representatives across the country interviewed and documented by Mr Cockall himself. The nominees are as follows:
Morman Le Pongavent for his Fish Pen
Eddy Lafawitz for the wonderful Thrusticles
Kevin and Ian for trying to revolutionaise Pep
Susan Winkerpot with the timeless Dehydrated Water
Ebeneezer Cheesegrater for his Nasal Harps
Gardy Guh-huh-de-ha for the uncompromising Extendo-Loins
Spice Cranford for the Chicken Envelopes and
Elementary Westinghouse for her Tasty Hasty Paste
And as the world holds its breath I carefully open the envelope with the winner’s name enclosed. And that winner is…
ELEMENTARY WESTINGHOUSE!
A late comer to the proceedings but she stormed in there and snaffled the award from under the other entrant’s noses. How about that? Miss Westinghouse, could we have a few words please?
Entry Filed under: Mr. Cockall's Loveliness
27 Comments
1. Elementary Westinghouse | January 14th, 2008 at 22:56
Why, Mr Winkerson! This is such an honour! I never thought that when I invented Tasty Hasty Paste it would cause such a stir. I was hoping for a mild agitation at most, perhaps a slight ripple. But never a stir.
This is a double revelation for me because, at the time I submitted my invention to the great Mr Cockall, I was under the impression that I was a man and that the name ‘Elementary’ was a manly one. So I must also thank you for clearing up the matter once and for all. I look forward to the coming weeks as I adjust to life as a woman.
I’d also like to thank my family, my wonderful parents, my–
*removed from stage by long hooked cane*
2. Auds | January 15th, 2008 at 10:44
you got up at stupid o’clock this morning to go into the office and type this. Lad, you want yer bumps feeling and no mistake.
3. Kevil | January 15th, 2008 at 11:07
Congratulations Ms Westinghouse. I trust the operation was a smooth success?
4. Chris | January 15th, 2008 at 11:39
Congratulations indeed, Elementary!
*kisses the lady’s surprisingly hairy hand*
I’d like to know why this award ceremony was held so early in the morning. I’d have been able to come if it was at a reasonable hour.
5. Eddy Lafawitz | January 16th, 2008 at 06:29
What tha f*ck? Why did he/she win? Mine was a stole cold run away in the night winner. I demand a m*ther f*cking recount man!
6. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | January 16th, 2008 at 06:30
Easy Eddy, we can’t all be winners. How do you think me and Kev feel? We spent thousands trying to re-brand Pep only for it to come back and bite us in the… you get what I mean.
You have to learn to move on though, gotta learn to let go.
7. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | January 18th, 2008 at 15:21
Kev you’ll never guess what, there actually is something called ‘Pep’. It’s a stimulant in the vein of Proplus, available in the pound shop in Leeds. So even if we had have won they would have disqualified us.
Eugh.
8. katie | January 18th, 2008 at 15:45
Wikipeda says:
Pep is energy or high spirits; it may refer to:
Pep band, an ensemble of instrumentalists
Pep or pep pills, a slang term for amphetamine
Pep is the dog in the Putt-Putt (game character) series
Neilsen’s ‘Pep’-brand mint-chocolate pattie
Pep, New Mexico
Pep, Texas
Pep, a cereal once produced by the Kellogg Company
So considering Neilsen’s and KELLOGGS got there before you, you’d have had a job on your hands, top marks for effort though π
9. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | January 19th, 2008 at 15:49
*goes in a huff*
We SO invented it before any of those people
10. Kevil | January 21st, 2008 at 12:34
Totally. Like whatever…
11. Auds | January 21st, 2008 at 16:33
Pep is also something to do with financial gubbinses
12. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | January 22nd, 2008 at 08:03
Gubbinses? You’re not Gollum you know Auds, you can’t go stealing the way characters from fiction translated into film by a clever beardy man from New Zealand speak π
13. Auds | January 22nd, 2008 at 11:43
well how do I know how Gollum speaks. You know I think Lord of the Rings is a big bucket of w**k.
14. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | January 22nd, 2008 at 12:12
That’s true, I did give you the first film on DVD and you still haven’t watched it! You’ve got three hours to kill don’t you? π
15. katie | January 22nd, 2008 at 12:18
LOTR sucks ass. I liked The Hobbit though.
Harry Potter wees all over Frodo!
16. Chris | January 22nd, 2008 at 13:00
I think LOTR is a big bucket of wank, and that doesn’t even have any asterisks in it.
Gubbins is a perfectly reasonable northern word and nothing to do with the boring bollocks portrayed in those films or books.
So HA. You failed at pep and now you failed at gubbins. HA and HA AGAIN.
17. katie | January 22nd, 2008 at 13:03
I second that HA!
18. katie | January 22nd, 2008 at 13:44
HA!
19. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | January 22nd, 2008 at 17:26
Ahem, I think you’ll find that whilst ‘gubbins’ is a perfectly acceptable northern word what Auds actually said was ‘gubbinses’, which isn’t northern, and sounds like Gollum said it, so la de da Mr Penwickle and your so-called troop of nuts.
*thinks he’s made his point, oh yeah*
20. Auds | January 23rd, 2008 at 12:54
I think you will find, Mr McIver, if one cares to source one’s dikshunary, that gubbinses is the plurialary of gubbins, ie, multiple gubbs, or from the latin, Gubbo, Gubbas, Gubbat, Gubbamis, Gubbatis, Gubbant. I would be fab on Countdown but I can’t do the numbery stuff.
21. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | January 23rd, 2008 at 17:08
Blimey. Such an eye opener when it comes to the English language π
22. Auds | January 23rd, 2008 at 22:07
Benefits of a grammar school education, sunshine.
23. Chris | January 23rd, 2008 at 23:38
They should have a different version of Countdown for people who can’t do sums. They could just call it “Down”.
24. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | January 24th, 2008 at 12:32
I think ‘Courtwrong’ sounds better, plus it’ll give you an indication of the types of things that’ll ‘appen.
They could award points for not getting the right answer.
25. Auds | January 24th, 2008 at 13:06
Courtwrong? Do you not mean Countwrong? I am dyslexic with numbaz.
26. Chris | January 24th, 2008 at 16:23
I notice that you’ve taken Gubbins to be a Latin verb, Auds. I find this quite interesting as clearly its usage has changed over time. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone in modern English use it that way, i.e. “to gubb” or “to gubbin”.
Of course, Shakespeare was full of it: “I do gubb sir, but I do not gubb at you, sir.”
In Spanish it is still commonly used as a verb, but has taken on the meaning of the creation of useless blog posts, viz.:
Gubber (infinitive)
Gubbo
Gubbes
Gubbe
Gubbemos
Gubben
E.g. “Gubbemos en los Beans, seΓΒ±or”.
Here ends today’s grammar lesson.
27. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | January 25th, 2008 at 11:53
All I can say is, “alpha belta” and then do a little dance.
This is to cover up my ineptitude in everything.