Women + Music = What?

August 3rd, 2010

So it began around the turn of the century when that hidden, underground factory in Doncaster started churning out fabricated women that looked real but really they weren’t. They were pretty much all identical as well. You must have seen them for they were many: Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, Jessica Simpson etc, collectively known as “zombie blondes”. They played their part well and made millions for the South Yorkshire region. But what next for women?

Then came the phenomena that was known as the “piano bints” wherein another rival factory, wanting a cut of the profits, decided to try and muscle in on Doncaster’s territory. They chose the perfect time to strike as the zombie blondes were failing in the charts; nobody wanted them anymore expect for fake nudie shots on the internet. So strode forth the “piano bints”: Delta Goodrem, Lucie Silvas and Vanessa Carlton. Unfortunately they didn’t have the staying power of the zombie blondes. Sure they could play their own instruments but it didn’t matter, they couldn’t keep up. The “piano bints” died out shortly afterwards.

So strode forth another generation of musical women, but what ho, where could they go now? They needed a gimmick, another reason to stand out in-between where Katherine Jenkins belted out the tat and Dolly Parton hollered the classics. Bring forth the kooky women: Florence and the Machine, Marina and the Diamonds, Paloma Faith. They swoosh. They swirl. They sing in high voices and then don’t. It doesn’t matter that Kate Bush did it better and thirty years previous because look at the record sales!

The whereabouts of the factory that produced the kookies is still unknown but let it be known that once we do locate it, well, that would be telling…

Entry Filed under: Bedtime stories,Ian