Following the raw data supplied by Mr. Kev, I did some science to it and came up with this vital information.
(click for embiggening)
I will be presenting these results to the Fourteenth Annual Congress of Desk Investigation Pie Chart Makers which is taking place in Yeovil this October.
11 comments August 22nd, 2008
WANTED
The Blackberry Six
REWARD: £50,000
for information resulting in their arrest
These six bastardly little blackberries have been on the run for several years now. They are suspected by the Metropolitan Police of having planted the devastating explosives, packed with orange juice and nasty little pips that get stuck in your teeth, which destroyed much of the Houses of Pear-Lemons in July 2001.
It is thought they are being held by a large, manicured hand in the West Midlands. Anyone with information on this vicious band of tossers should call Crimecrushers on 0909 999 999 999 989 999 999 5, or leave their name anonymously on this website.
16 comments August 6th, 2008
I’m going to be leaving my second-floor penthouse in a few weeks and saving myself a few quid in the process. Here is some stuff that you can have a skeg at.
Think of this as an exclusive advance preview screening, like on a new Batman film, except less exciting and more to do with my flat.
Continue Reading 15 comments July 31st, 2008
Being a bit of a mad thing, I’ve agreed to do overtime today, making this a six-day week, and then after that, also agreed to make it a double. Technically that means I am on shift from 12 noon today until 7.30am tomorrow. In reality, I don’t need to turn up until 3pm and I’ll be finishing a little bit early.
Because I know that everyone who reads this blog hangs on my every word, I’ll be trying to keep you updated with how I get on. Mm! Excitement!
11.35
My landlord wanted to show some people round my flat so I had to get up at 8am instead of my planned 11 or 12. Hooray. That means I’m awake for seven hours before I even start. Plus it’s incredibly hot down here in the tropical south and I didn’t sleep very well.
I’ve set myself up for a brilliant night at work! Whoooo!
15.10
I’ve just arrived at work and I can’t remember the last time it was this hot. OH MY GOD. I am the sweatiest person I’ve ever met just now. I just printed off my rota and it looks very long. On the other hand, I had time to have a tasty lunch at home, which was quite nice. Every cloud has a silver lining.
20.55
Just had some coffee. I need it for the energy but I fear the comedown which will be in the wee small hours. I’m also strangely cold and sweaty. It was a hot sticky day today, but you’d think that after a good six hours of windowless air conditioning here I’d be used to it now. I’m starting to think I’m ill, or maybe there’s something up with my metabolism. Seeing shapes in front of my eyes. Can hear some strange, unidentifiable music now and then. Could swear there’s someone behind me at times.
01.20
Think I have just been on a train, though I’m not sure whether it was real or not. It was doing little circular rides around the top of the building. After that I abseiled down to the canteen where I had a nice chat with Philip Schofield. It took me ages to work out what didn’t look right about him, and eventually I spotted that instead of a torso, he just had the hot water machine from the staff canteen there, with his arms and legs sellotaped to it.
I had a weird herbal tea thing earlier this evening and I’m starting to wonder if there was something funny in it.
05.10
Fifty minutes to go. I can no longer see anything. Is this Facebook?
14.10
Meant to stop this at the end of the shift, but I’m going to add a line in homage to the absolute bastard who lives on the ground floor of this building. He has chosen today to replace the roof over his kitchen, so when I should have been sleeping soundly after my 24-hour day, instead I was lying awake listening to continuous drilling and hammering. Wanker. He’s still at it now. I plan to go to bed as soon as it starts to get dark, and probably sleep until Thursday, and if he’s still hammering away then I’ll start pouring boiling water over him.
9 comments July 28th, 2008
Shut up. I’m in charge here and I demand the following. Pay some fucking attention.
The deadline for my demands is midnight on Tuesday. If any of the above requests are not met with complete and total compliance I will be forced to take action, possibly by aching tactfully.
Now jump to it!
19 comments July 16th, 2008
A man has cut off his head in protest at the costs of haircuts at his local barbers today.
Jimmy Bumble, a resident of the village Whickersham in Leicestershire, took a pair of pinking shears and sliced through his neck to leave him without a head. This comes after recent news that saw the price of a simple trim rise to the astonishing fee of £6.07.
“You can’t let things like this lie,” said Mr Bumble, 89, speaking from underneath his own armpit. “If they think that is a reasonable sum just to spend five minutes removing growing hairs from my pimply noggin, well, let them. I’d sooner cut my own head off than… oh wait.”
The village of Whickersham has received a fair amount of bad publicity recently after several accounts of granny napping and bovine juggling were reported by worried residents. People have blamed this on the tanker of glycol fog that tipped over last year, poisoning the water supply and causing general havoc.
The barbers shop in question do not wish to be named and have refused to comment on Mr Bumble’s actions, although they did offer to trim the whole crew for twenty quid.
Mac Mackford – June 2008
22 comments June 30th, 2008
I would like to propose a new rule set that all children must abide by. Those who do not, or who refuse to ratify and sign the charter on their day of birth, will be shunned, spurned and decked before being extradited to Norway, which has been designated as a land for rampant children. All adults are being evacuated from Norway and its borders are being fortified.
The draft charter goes thus:
1. Childs shall sleep for eight continuous hours per night.
2. Childs shall not wake before 0700 hrs local time, and on waking, shall silently wait until invited to leave bed by a parent or guardian.
3. Childs shall ask for batteries to be removed from noise-making toys before playing with them.
4. Childs shall eat what everyone else eats instead of whining they don’t like it and demanding special treatment that usually involves fish fingers and lots of ketchup.
5. On public transport – or, actually, anywhere in public – childs shall shut the fuck up.
If you wish to add your own clauses to this manifesto, please feel free. It will make a better world for us all.
6 comments June 18th, 2008
Now then my little monkeys.
I was thinking today about clever adverts. Some band, who are apparently called the Pigeon Detectives, have apparently got some poxy new album out, or something, at the moment. Who cares. Well, I care, not because their music is worth another second of my precious lifespan, but because the advertising for it is clever. OK, so they have billboard adverts around the place.
But this is the clever thing, you see. The album’s called “Emergency”. Emergency, right? So on my way to work yesterday, the railings of a building site I passed had this red and blue tape around it, blocking off holes and making it look like an accident scene. They said EMERGENCY and PIGEON DETECTIVES on them. “That”, I thought to myself, “is clever”.
The Mystery Jets had their logo sprayed on phone boxes near my work earlier in the year too, which is quite good, because it’s a weird plane thing with a question mark in it. So it is actually a mystery. See what they did there?
And apparently last night on Channel 4, Honda did an advert with skydivers spelling out the word ‘HONDA’ that was broadcast live. Flipping heck.
Brilliant. What other clever adverts are kicking around?
20 comments May 30th, 2008
I’m writing this post on a stupidly expensive gadget which I quite clearly cannot afford. It enables me to read my emails and look at websites and that while sitting on a train (like now), or while lying in bed, or mincing along the street like some 21st century trendy London dweller, as though I was an internet connected Austin Powers.
I hate Austin Powers.
I am able to do this because last night I went out and spent a massive amount of money on an iPhone. I am not proud of this, but it is so shiny that I am finding it hard to care because it really is vey shiny and sexy and that.
I can’t afford this and will regret it before too long, but as I told myself as I left the O2 shop, I needed a new phone because my old one is shagged, and in any case, fuck it, you only live once. Hurrah for impulse buys!
18 comments May 17th, 2008
Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrow’s geniuses (using song)
Who are you? Ernest McFurnace
What’s the Idea? Toast-it Notes, the warm, crisp and adhesive breakfast.
What is it? The only breakfast that can help you memorise your to-do list.
What does it do? Many people have trouble at work because they forget what they have to do during the day. Some people write it down, but this system is fraught with social and practical problems.
That’s where Toast-it Notes can help. At breakfast time, drop a pad of Toast-it Notes in your toaster. When they’ve popped up, butter them and then write one item from your to-do list on each one. Then enjoy their crunchy, toasty taste.
While you go to work, the Toast-it Notes are at work inside your stomach, using their patented adhesive to stick to your stomach lining, allowing you to ingest your daily tasks direct into your bloodstream.
You’ll never forget an important appointment again!
So what are you gonna do about it? Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)
6 comments April 24th, 2008