Posts filed under 'Chris'
Given Kev’s seemingly endless supply of scat-isms I suggest that we put him forward for the next series of ‘Britain’s Got Talent’, or whatever b*ggery b*llocks is auditioning around the same time. I mean he can also poom groodles, I mean groom poodles. That must count for something right?
We could make a bit of money from it. The proceeds could then be put forward for nationwide distribution of the ‘Nish’ series and perhaps even a publication of both copies of semi-autobiographical ‘Erudite Musings on the Human Condition’.
January 7th, 2008
It’s the new year, and I’m the first bastard to post anything here.
I’m at work today.
That is all.
Happy new year, Beansmeisters!
January 1st, 2008
Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrows geniuses (using song)
Who are you?Â
Elementary Westinghouse
What’s the Idea?
You know how it is. Decorating the spare room, putting up that wallpaper takes so long that you’re left starving hungry before you’re even nearly finished. Tasty Hasty Paste solves that problem.
What is it?
It’s a new formulation of wallpaper paste that lets you get the paper up in record time. It’s also edible, so if you remember to take a spoon in there with you along with the other wallpapering paraphernalia, you can just have a couple of mouthfuls of nutritious paste to keep you going. It’s also the only household adhesive that’s suitable for spreading on toast or muffins. (But not bagels – that’s highly dangerous.)
What does it do?
Tasty Hasty Paste is produced from a specially bred variety of Chronographic Beef. The time-altering properties of this type of meat cause time to appear faster to the paste than it does to the rest of the world. It’s an example of relative time dilation causality that is found in many common bovines. Because it’s made of beef it also has a warm aroma of hot Bovril that will fill any room decorated with it. And who could argue with that?
So what are you gonna do about it?
Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)
December 23rd, 2007
(it’s not as interesting as it sounds, but it’s as weird as the Rachel Stevens dream)
So I’m walking past Glebelands field during the daytime (even though I live a hundred miles away now) and I noticed a Dalek running across the grass. Curious and when I look a bit closer I can see that he is putting up a huge tent. When this has reached full peak I go inside the tent and notice that the Daleks are selling porn; not Dalek porn but actual human porn. I browse briefly but realise I’m getting those looks from the ones behind the counter, sort of, “buy it or put it down idiot”, so I leave quickly before any tongues start a-wagging.
Later on I’m at me mam’s house and I hear a knock on the door. I open it and right at the end of the path I see an envelope leaning against the gate. This isn’t enough to interest me so I close the door, only to hear another knock. Upon opening it a second time the envelope has gone but I can see Marshall’s head sticking out from the wall to my left. This still isn’t enough to interest me so I close the door and hear a third knock. All that’s left is a small plastic box with a present inside and a futuristic device of holding information. I can’t remember what it looked like but I put the film on and it was sort of a video diary from Marshall about how he chose his Christmas presents and wrote his cards out… but in the style of ‘The Wonder Years’ where you hear his thoughts rather than speaking.
Then I woke up and there was a text from Marshall waiting on my phone. That put the sh*ts up me I can tell you.
December 17th, 2007
I have now completed scanning of all of the book, and it now exists as a set of colour image files on my hard disk and also inside my brain. It can be seen as a PDF or as a clever Flash thing that lets you click through the images. It can also be seen as slightly questionable behaviour for three grown men.
But before anything can be done – anything at all – we need the glorious Mr. Kev to somehow make these items appear upon this website so they can be viewed with our eyes, minds and hearts.
Glorious Mr. Kev, lead on! We are your tragic minions!
December 9th, 2007
What could it mean? What on earth could it mean? It doesn’t mean anything yet and that’s a tragic fact. By one little twist of fate, this wonderful word was never invented and has no meaning and nobody to use it.
Today, my friends, we will wright that wrong. We will give DESTICUTION a meaning.
Question is… what is it?
Desticution (n.)
The horror felt when something particularly cute is destroyed in a very horrible accident.
Put your thinking cap on and see if your brain can do better. Word.
November 26th, 2007
I use some words that I don’t actually know the meaning of. Or I vaguely know what they’re about but I couldn’t really explain it to you. Like…
SHEMP
or
PARADIGM
The first one seems to be something to do with a bad stand-in, in a movie, or something. If I call a bad actor a “shemp” it sometimes goes down well. Whereas you can say that someone whose opinions have changed has had a “paradigm shift”. I don’t know what the word means but I can use it.
By these means, and also with smoke and mirrors, I make myself look clever.
November 2nd, 2007
It’s about time there was a post on here celebrating the wonder that is… gravy!
Yes, it’s everyone’s favourite kind of brown, meaty sauce and in a recent survey 79% of respondents said they preferred gravy. 87% said they would rather have gravy on their Sunday roast than hot piss. And in the Bible (Roasts 15:12) did Jesus himself not say “those who pour Bisto on their roast spuds are the most divine in thine eyes, o Lord”? Yes, I think he did.
In light of this, I am declaring this Pouring Beans National Gravy Week-a-thon and I aim to have some gravy at some point this week. Possibly just a big steaming mug of it with my breakfast. Oh yes.
Hooray for gravy!
October 21st, 2007
It’s nocturnal at the moment. Just after 3am kind of nocturnal. It’s got me thinking about the things you only ever do at night. Things like going to the toilet in the dark.
I am tired tonight and I want to go to bed. Unfortunately I will only be there in another 4 hours or so. Grrrr.
There’s nothing else I have to say so I’m going to make a list of interesting things going through my mind.
- I have quarter of a treacle tart in the fridge at home.
- Yesterday I only spent about 25 minutes outdoors.
- Next to me is an office phone list where all the numbers include an international dialling code.
I’m going mad here.
October 13th, 2007
I have heard the news gentlemen! It is a great pleasure to hear that finally a task set by me the Saint King, the king of all saints, of all that is good and saintly and saint and goodly, is complete!
Excellent stuff! I look forward to seeing the photos when they are ready to be uploaded. When the postal strike is over expect many, many jewels of splendour!
October 9th, 2007
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