Posts filed under 'Ian'
I, the Saint King, king of all the saints and their saintly behaviour, have returned briefly in order to convey a message. This message could have been tagged on to the endless VHS message I left played in the building before Christmas but I wanted to tell you this myself. I have found a permanent home at another website that being www.myspace.com/twoofakindyorkshiremind. Even though you have all very much made your feelings about me clear I want you to know that there is no bad blood between us all and that I hope to see you in the future. 2008 should be about new beginnings and being the Saint King, governing those saints and what they get up to, well, I don’t want you to feel as though you can’t come to me with problems and asking for advice even though you aren’t saints.
You shall all have a place in my heart even if yours is only filled with the memories of me not giving you jewels. And I don’t hold it against you that you didn’t come to my party. And I don’t hate the fact that only Sir Marshall returned his Official Form of Complaint. It’s all chunder under the canal.
January 6th, 2008
Even though I, the Saint King, king of all the saints and all their saintly behaviour, have been banished from ‘da beans’ during the lockdown from the previous day I managed to sneak in and leave this videotaped message. This will continually play over and over again until someone locates the VCR hidden somewhere in this building.
Christmas is a time of destruction and devestation. What better way to fill your trousers than by investing in the new Saint King game? Available on all three formats of Amstrad, BBC Micro as well as Spectrum, the Saint King game has been described as ‘The Best Game Ever… to be released in the year 2007 that looks as though it should have been released 25 years ago’. Play all your favourite characters: Saint Abbo of Fleury, Saint Hugh of Lincoln, Saint John of Shanghai and San Fransisco and of course the big man himself. Give into temptation. Join the revolution. Play the game.
Tired with your usual hand cream? Bored with the lack of any imagination? Then let Saint Monica of Hippo lead you into the light. “Hand cream has been overlooked for far too long. With the Saint King’s, king of us saints and all our saintly behavious, new hand cream you will feel a million seal pups licking your fingers. It is a cream beyond creamy, so much so that a new word has been invented by the scientists who gave up their time to create such a product. This hand cream is smoothocreamarific. Available in all major shops now, but probably not until they open again as this is Christmas Eve. Get online and have delivered to your door personally by one of the saints themselves. KNOCK KNOCK. Oh, do I hear the sweet knock of Paulina of the Agonizing Heart of Jesus at my door?”
Lead. Lead sandwich… eat lead sandwiches… something chronic in your… when the animals came to me I was only a foot high… and then the snow storm blew my… in the middle of the night…
Even though I, the Saint King, king of all the saints and all their saintly behaviour, have been banished from ‘da beans’ during the lockdown from the previous day I managed to sneak in and leave this videotaped message…
December 24th, 2007
(it’s not as interesting as it sounds, but it’s as weird as the Rachel Stevens dream)
So I’m walking past Glebelands field during the daytime (even though I live a hundred miles away now) and I noticed a Dalek running across the grass. Curious and when I look a bit closer I can see that he is putting up a huge tent. When this has reached full peak I go inside the tent and notice that the Daleks are selling porn; not Dalek porn but actual human porn. I browse briefly but realise I’m getting those looks from the ones behind the counter, sort of, “buy it or put it down idiot”, so I leave quickly before any tongues start a-wagging.
Later on I’m at me mam’s house and I hear a knock on the door. I open it and right at the end of the path I see an envelope leaning against the gate. This isn’t enough to interest me so I close the door, only to hear another knock. Upon opening it a second time the envelope has gone but I can see Marshall’s head sticking out from the wall to my left. This still isn’t enough to interest me so I close the door and hear a third knock. All that’s left is a small plastic box with a present inside and a futuristic device of holding information. I can’t remember what it looked like but I put the film on and it was sort of a video diary from Marshall about how he chose his Christmas presents and wrote his cards out… but in the style of ‘The Wonder Years’ where you hear his thoughts rather than speaking.
Then I woke up and there was a text from Marshall waiting on my phone. That put the sh*ts up me I can tell you.
December 17th, 2007
Hey, where’s the book that we all so lovingly (including Reuben) tore ourselves apart to complete when you visited? Is it not ready for scanning yet?
My loins are rumbling from the impendingness of it all.
November 26th, 2007
Alright gimme a second to catch my breath.
*fake breathing noises*
Did you know that… never mind I’ll tell you later. Those damn Jam Pandas have taken over my myspace page :O they were a bit rowdy when I got them home but when I opened my bag out they whooshed and before you could say, “how on earth can fictional children’s characters come into the real world?” they had locked me up in a cupboard. By the time Audrey saved me (she was looking for the step ladder) they had changed my log in password and now I can’t get back in. They keep posting bulletins about the bloody time, I look a right numpty.
Hi Marshall. You have *sings* NO IDEA *ends singing* what I’m talking about and that’s probably for the best 🙂 it’s all faux shizzel.
November 13th, 2007
Just in case anyone is interested I seem to have stumbled across “the web’s original, biggest and most comprehensive site dedicated to UK actress Anna Friel.”
http://www.annafriel.net/
Look at the imaginative colour scheme! Bask at the informative links! And look, you can even purchase an off-line copy so you can peruse it when you’re not on the internet. I don’t know about you but I’m hooked!
*Sarcasm machine breaks from too much*
October 29th, 2007
Following on from the original ‘Property Company Names’ segment of the website Audrey recently came across one which I believe is an almost, if not absolutely, perfect example of how to name your company properly:
‘Mr. Grumbley’s Window Cleaning Service’
It’s got everything: the guy’s name, what he does and suggesting the possibility that, despite it being his surname, he might not like it too. I’d grumble if I had to clean windows all day.
How about them apples?
October 26th, 2007
I’m MC Hullah, I got lotsa moolah
I work wit’ grass skirts, it don’t get worse
Than dancin’ from side to side all day
I ride on a Harley, that means I’m not gay
(MC Hullah – ‘Grass Skirts’ – Infectious Records 2007)
October 22nd, 2007
There have been a number of funny or funnily-named things that I have come across recently. They mainly revolve around solicitors and clients names but hey, that’s the shit that I shovel man. First I found a firm of solicitors called Kevill’s however it gets better. There is now some solicitors called ‘Straine Keville’. Now, obviously this means nothing to the two solicitors who run the firm yet to us, well, it’s a perplexing image. Two client names that cropped up are:
- Fanny Pearson
- Minnie Willie
The best name comes from a man who did some of the additional voices in Toy Story 2 though. This is a genuine name as well I must add and that man’s name was…
Rodger Bumpass.
October 22nd, 2007
Next Posts
Previous Posts
