Posts filed under 'Ian'
I was walking down the street
She was choking my chandoss
I was drinking in the club
She was choking my chandoss
I was eating my lunch
She was choking my chandoss
We was crusing in my ride
She was choking my chandoss
I was laughing at some pidge
She was choking my chandoss
I was watching Countdown
She was choking my chandoss
I was crossing the road
She was choking my chandoss
I was hit by a jeep
She was choking my chandoss
Bleeding outside Mr. Lynch’s
No-ones choking my chandoss
February 24th, 2011
I wake up as a member of Parliament or at least a Politician, because I’m lying in bed fully dressed in a suit with people shouting at me. When I eventually get up to go downstairs I realise there’s something in my hand and when I look it’s the budget for the UK only it’s not in a nice, posh red case it’s some horrible plastic wallet with a reusable zipper at the top. Even this makes me cringe.
Outside there are hundreds of other people in suits, presumably other politicians, cramming into cars. They’re all going somewhere and I’m obliged to follow, but I make up an excuse that I have to go to Jack Fultons before I can attend wherever they’re going. Really my mind keeps wandering back to a beautiful woman I came across the night before and I’m convinced I’ll find her in Fulton. So, leaving them to drive off, I walk down main street and into the shop. It’s closing down and the woman is not there but I do find a fellow politician cooing over some Jaffa-Fakes for 99p. I tell him to get his act together. It’s then I decide I don’t want to carry the budget anymore so I hide it behind one of the checkouts. Satisfied with my work we walk out beaming, convinced it is in a safe place, and then I cack my pants when I notice there is a cleaner still in Fultons and that she could steal my magical document.
It’s too late for that though. The beautiful woman is nowhere to be seen, I could have lost a very important document and unwillingly I am bundled off in a 4 x 4 to some unknown destination.
February 23rd, 2011
FACE!
February 2nd, 2011
I haven’t done much recently. I’ve been sat around looking fat, being fat and seeing fat. I heard fat a few times too. What I need is a project to occupy my time and due to the absence of money, funds and general wealth I will unfortunately be forced to improvise. I did consider a few things, and I forgot them and then I got worried.
There are a number of professions in the world that either are dying out for lack of interest or get the piss taken out of them because they’re dull and stuck in the past. I wouldn’t mind one of these jobs because I’m sure I wasn’t made for sitting in an office all day every day (at least I think that’s the case). I would happily make barrels or sweep the floors or do little dances for pennies. What are these missing though? Yes, that’s right; a bit of sex.
I could organise some sexy girls and then visit places to advertise these amazing jobs with the aid of tantalising visuals and seductive imagery. Everything looks better with my face next to it. FACT.
So I’m pulling on my least-smelly clothes and doing a tour, although now it occurs to me that in order to get the sexy girls to advertise the jobs I will need to recruit the sexy girls which will in turn need its own campaign to get them. But how do you recruit sexy girls? More sexy girls? And how do I recruit those sexy girls? Carrots on string?
I think I’m gonna have to sit down and do some numbers.
February 1st, 2011
Having triumphed accidentally in the music quiz at the Tanners last night I am a whopping £6.50 up on my usual scattering of money. But then I am posed the question of what to do with such a haul. I keep getting told that we’re in a recession however I can’t say I’ve really been paying it too much attention, unlike my fried egg this morning. The last time someone complained about money I spat cigar smoke in their face and ran over them in my Mercedes.
I am presented with several options and I think I need a little guidance in order to make sure my winnings are used in the best possible way. Here are my current options.
- I licked a yoghurt pot too hard last night and cut my tongue, so perhaps some proper tongue plasters?
- I’ve always wanted to go mental in a Pound Shop; think of all the scouring pads and toothpaste I could have!
- I could get a copy of ‘Ah… The Name Is Bootsy Baby’ by Bootsy Collins for just over a fiver, although that sealed Yazz LP is completely out of the question.
- A dilapidated flat. Does anyone know of any in the Leeds area? They must be that cheap by now. I bought a garage for tuppence the other day.
Please help me with my endeavours if you can. I would put it to Des’ree but I think she’s exhausted from the previous problem.
January 26th, 2011
Of course you can!
Today I have been learning about marmots thanks to an uplifting and insightful piece about them in a book I was reading. They have proved to be quite the page-turning, excellent-digging mammal. Let’s hear some facts about the little geezers:
- Marmots are called marmots but they are also known as groundhogs and wood chucks, which is why when you type their name into google image a bunch of photos of groundhogs appear. Don’t let this confuse you.
- Their scientific name is Marmota Monax, which would be a good name for a femme fetale in a film noir or a super villain in a Spiderman comic. Take note Marvel!
- Unfortunately they do not like humans or owls which will severely affect any future relationship I may have with a marmot. Learning this made me sad for several minutes.
- Their primary food is stuff you would find outside such as grass, dry grass and lightly wetted grass although tell this to the marmot I saw hiding behind a tree in the park pushing a Big Mac into his mouth.
- Marmots are far more interesting and industrious than most of its animal relatives, in fact I’d even go so far as to say they’re probably more industrious than my relatives. They will store food up for the winter several months before winter. Recent developments in Apple technology have also been attributed to marmots.
There. Now if anyone asks you if you know anything about marmots you can pretend you do. Bless the internet and all its little tiny toes.
January 18th, 2011
January 12th, 2011
What with it being 2011 it seemed as though a few items needed a re-boot for no apparent reason other than everything else, eventually, gets a re-boot. Look at Battlestar Gallactica. Look at Spiderman. The fact is that we need to keep up with the swingers and the shakers.
So welcome to the newly establishment b*astardised sibling of comfy beans confident ‘She’s Fit (But The Musics Sh*t) now specialising in ultimate horror and abject tirades against those who somehow sneak through the gaps of life, make a name for themselves with some pap they came up with on the bus and cash in until the cow runs dry. Who better to start us off with than Florence Welch of album re-releasing mega-whores Florence and the Machine.
I have never liked them. When they first came out they seemed all happy and dreamlike and they pranced away in the corner away from my eyes, which I was more than contented with. They released single after single which, depressingly, even from my viewpoint, sounded very similar with accompanying music videos which seemed to highlight the fact that 1) their singer was a girl and 2) their singer was ginger. The album was released to critical acclaim as if kooky female singers were somehow a rarity in this day and age. Then however came the crown turd in the lunchbox.
A cover. A single. Run into the ground like a parched wizard looking for water. Everywhere you went you couldn’t escape the tiresome opening line of, “Sometimes I feel like holding my hands up in the air…”. I quite liked the original and it didn’t deserve any of this. Wave after wave kept hitting you in the face until the album was released again with this guff, then again as a limited edition box set, then again to incorporate even more tracks. The whole point of a box set is that it gives you a wide berth of the artist’s music and not the same ten or so songs over and over again live, acoustically and then demoed. It’s just stupid and I know it will have been the record company behind this but even so there is a line.
Then to make matters worse she started believing her own hype and you could find her draped over anything within a 50 mile radius of yourself warbling out in front of a crowd of a couple of thousand. I can only hope that, like Sandi Thom, she will be ousted out of the public eye as soon as possible. Even Gaga has a couple of tunes. This is just terrible.
January 11th, 2011
All you Papples fans out there will probably be very excited to hear that at some point in 2011 not only will a new Papples album surface but also a thrilling new project featuring long-time scientist, full-time alchemist, solicitor and lawyer Kevin Hill.
Currently nine or so tracks have been written and they will be in a completely different direction to the first two albums. Fear not though, they still retain the warmth, lyrical intensity coupled with timeless tunes you all know and love.
We are all very giddy at Pap HQ to unleash this behemoth upon the unsuspecting now suspecting world.
Further updates will follow.
January 10th, 2011
So you’re living in a chilly wasteland of a VAT increase coupled with a lack of funds because you’re stretching your money over some horrific five week period because they paid you early for Christmas which, at the time, seemed like a good idea but then again it always does because your pay overlaps with the previous months and you look like you have several more clams than you really do.
It might be that way, or on the other hand you might not.
If you sit firmly in the latter camp then what you need are SEVERAL of the NEW lines of Smoochies Inc MERCHANDISE about to HIT the FLOOR. Not only have they disregarded the global economic collapse but they have upped their prices too. How do you like them apples? Welcome to the money-spinning ‘Out Of This World’ collection of tat.
Do you have one of those inconsiderate friends who has “everything”? Shove one of these in their gobs. With the ‘Moon on a Stick’ lollipop you can have a pop at their expense as well as silence. The ‘MoaS’ lollipop is designed to occupy the entirety of the mouthal region to ensure no noise can escape through into your ear holes.
Stuck on what to get the kids when they next freak out? Buy the new and exciting board game ‘Around The Houses’. What starts off as a simple trip to the shops suddenly turns into a long and lengthy journey as roadworks, traffic jams and pensioners stand in your way of getting back home. With six amazing levels of play you will marvel at how much you were shafted on the price.
For tiny children why not opt for our ‘Bells and Whistles’ campaign which is seeking to supply every small person in the United Kingdom with either a bell or a whistle. Children should be heard, very very loudly.
Turn to page 799 in your Smoochies Inc catalogue for more information.
January 6th, 2011
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