Posts filed under 'Ian'
Times have been hard for Tasmin Archer. It’s not easy having an international hit single, being labelled a one hit wonder and then struggling to come up with a follow-up.
The year is 1992. Sleeping Satellite (you know the one, “don’t blame you for the moonlit night and I wonder why, when the eagles fly” etc) slams into the top spot of the UK and Irish charts eventually being forced off by supreme lords of the smooth soulful chug-a-long Boyz II Men. Some other songs followed but they could never quite reach the heights previously set.
Four years after her debut album a second album followed and I’m sure it had its high points however there was something missing and it failed to carry on the success of the previous.
Apparently Tasmin Archer has a season ticket for Sunderland AFC. Well what else would you do in between recording sessions? Eat a pear? Neck a pint of red bull? Furthermore she is actually from West Yorkshire, born in Bradford. How’d you like them apples?
What is quite amazing is that despite only having three studio albums to her name she has three compilation albums. I thought that All Saints having a greatest hits after only two albums was odd, but this? Quite unheard of I must say. She does have a good set of pipes so it can’t be the pipes. Then again unless you’re struggling to decide whether you’re a man or a woman whilst simultaneously re-releasing your album ever five seconds, or filming videos songs with overly gratutious sexual images with whipped cream and jelly tots you unfortunately won’t get very far.
Shame. Toot on Tasmin, toot on!
November 16th, 2010
“There’s always something slightly disturbing about eating teeth” – DG
“It makes you look as though you have a massive overjaw” – SD
“She got the same with… I was gonna say Russian Roulette… with horseradish sauce” – DG
“If he hasn’t sewn around the area correctly then there will be an allowance of seepage” – HR
“Eee, you had a baby on Christmas Day? When did you find time to fit your dinner in?” SD
“Bananas are full of potassium. People who aren’t allowed potassium aren’t allowed to eat bananas” HR
“I like sitting in the house with the curtains closed” DG
“What’s soft porn?” SD
November 10th, 2010
Hello
You know me, I’m the biggest most selfish bastard you’ve ever come across but recently I’ve decided that perhaps that isn’t the best way to be. I mean pushing over old ladies and pissing in bins is as polite as I get, why change the habit of a lifetime? Well, bad karma for one.
So in order to stand up like a man and pretend to be one for thirty days I am cultivating a little weasel’s foot underneath my nose, a smush of a badger’s snout if you will, a veritable treasure trove of hair-ical eccentricities on my top lip. A moustache if you will.
Do I look like an idiot? Of course. Do I resent myself when I look in a mirror? Yeah but so what else is new? Any help, any money, any sarcasm you can donate to my worthy cause would be gratefully received.
http://uk.movember.com/donate/your-details/member_id/867182/
SPONSOR MY FACE!
November 8th, 2010
Pick up something on your desk and look at it. Now, look a little bit closer. What can you see?
Scientists up until recently believed that things were made up of smaller things. These things were known as atoms or adams to those who couldn’t say the word properly however in a groundbreaking set of experiments evidence has come forward to disprove much of this. It would appear that things are not made up of atoms but something else called tumps.
Tumps make up everything in this world and possibly the next. Everything from the clothes you are wearing to the coffee in your mug and the itch in your crotch. Tumps make the world go round, possibly even moreso than flans and tarts. How do we know this? Professor Reuben of the Chop University of Tyneside concluded that, “things are things and these things have tumps.” You can’t say fairer than that.
So next time you’re kicking a dove or handing bleach to a tramp give a smile and a wink to tumps.
November 3rd, 2010
I am going to seal the deal in a wigwam.
October 25th, 2010
It’s official. I had no idea until recently but the still lovely but absent and probably finding Christ somewhere Shania Twain is in love with brackets possibly even more than the Papples. I didn’t think it was possible. She has three songs and singles from one album alone all with brackets in. Check out these monsters:
- The Woman In Me (Needs The Man In You).
- (If You’re Not In It For Love) I’m Outta Here!
- Home Ain’t Where His Heart Is (Anymore).
- Don’t Be Stupid (You Know I Love You).
- I’m Holdin’ On To Love (To Save My Life).
And my personal favourite:
- Thank You Baby! (For Makin’ Someday Come So Soon)
She apparently also doesn’t like the letter ‘G’. You won’t find these sorts of facts on wikipedia.
October 16th, 2010
This may be common knowledge however I don’t think I have ever come across it myself. Having received a weird text message from my brother I was directed towards Clowns International which is the official website if you want to become a clown. It has ideas about being a clown and what you should do if you want to do it professionally.
The strange thing is that when you register to become a clown you have to paint your clown face onto an egg, which is then stored somewhere to prevent duplication of the make-up (how you are supposed to do this in a world of six billion people I couldn’t say). If you happen to still be practising as a clown when you die the members of Clowns International smash the egg, as if your entire existence was based on that egg.
Words alone can’t describe how strange that is.
October 14th, 2010
Do you struggle with what to do on a Saturday night? Do you sit at home all by yourself with a bottle of whisky and wonder if there’s something better out there? Well think on no more because you need the razzlest, dazzlest, newest game on the scene – The X Factor Drinking Game.
All you need is some cheap alcohol and some promiscuous friends. Sit down to watch the X Factor and do a shot of your alcohol whenever you hear tedious phrases such as these:
- “You owned that stage!”
- “You made the song your own!”
- “(insert name), you know what I like about you…”
- “One million per cent yes!”
- “I really, really, genuinely like you.”
- “There’s a space in the market for a band/artist like you right now.”
You are guaranteed a minimum of about thirty per show so expect to be happy and pretty mashed by the end of it. Keep going and whoever is the last one standing, or who hasn’t turned the television off because they couldn’t take anymore, is the winner.
(The X Factor Drinking Game all rights reserved in the name of Smoochies Inc, in association with Chris Industries).
October 12th, 2010
I have decided that the normal life I lead just isn’t good enough anymore. I need the rush and excitement of something more, something better. So having taken leave of my senses I will don a disgusting costume made of old socks and take to the streets as… FANKSMAN!
Not only does Fanksman do his best to stop villains from completing villainous acts of crime but he also puts his hand out to shake those citizens who are doing their bit to help the community. Fanksman wants to share the thanks and offer up the thanks and throw a couple of thanks here and there. He will dispense the thanks where it needs to be dispensed.
With his signature move, the Crimson Tongue, and faithful sidekick Chops there is nothing they cannot achieve.
Yes, with Fanksman on their side people will feel safe and sound.
September 29th, 2010
If you are under the age of five, live in the South Wales area and you are in need of some financial security then you may want to pay a visit to Trailwing Infant School. A profiteering group of young children have started up their own bank using sand as currency to the rest of the playground in an attempt to try and balance the economy.
“It was touch and go for a while,” advised Head Teacher Lucious Lush, “there was no stability at all. Most of the children were coming to school with rocks or twigs rather than toys. Nobody was trading; they would all sit and stare at trees, looking for a better future. Then two kids, Yorick and Taffy, decided that enough was enough and they set up what is now the main office of ‘Doodlebugs Plc’.”
Doodblebugs has been running for six months now. On average they are exchanging up to seven tonnes of sand every day, with a competative set of rates and exclusive accounting extras. They employ up to six staff now, with nap time and milking privileges as standard.
“There’s been a complete change since Doodlebugs started. It’s so effective that I myself have my very own bank account. I’m just so glad that someone came in to help out as we were really struggling.”
The managing directors of the bank were unavailable for comment although it has been mentioned that the bank has become so successful that a second and third branch are expected by the end of year, located next to the climbing frame and over by the pond respectively.
September 27th, 2010
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