Archive for September, 2010
I have decided that the normal life I lead just isn’t good enough anymore. I need the rush and excitement of something more, something better. So having taken leave of my senses I will don a disgusting costume made of old socks and take to the streets as… FANKSMAN!
Not only does Fanksman do his best to stop villains from completing villainous acts of crime but he also puts his hand out to shake those citizens who are doing their bit to help the community. Fanksman wants to share the thanks and offer up the thanks and throw a couple of thanks here and there. He will dispense the thanks where it needs to be dispensed.
With his signature move, the Crimson Tongue, and faithful sidekick Chops there is nothing they cannot achieve.
Yes, with Fanksman on their side people will feel safe and sound.
September 29th, 2010
If you are under the age of five, live in the South Wales area and you are in need of some financial security then you may want to pay a visit to Trailwing Infant School. A profiteering group of young children have started up their own bank using sand as currency to the rest of the playground in an attempt to try and balance the economy.
“It was touch and go for a while,” advised Head Teacher Lucious Lush, “there was no stability at all. Most of the children were coming to school with rocks or twigs rather than toys. Nobody was trading; they would all sit and stare at trees, looking for a better future. Then two kids, Yorick and Taffy, decided that enough was enough and they set up what is now the main office of ‘Doodlebugs Plc’.”
Doodblebugs has been running for six months now. On average they are exchanging up to seven tonnes of sand every day, with a competative set of rates and exclusive accounting extras. They employ up to six staff now, with nap time and milking privileges as standard.
“There’s been a complete change since Doodlebugs started. It’s so effective that I myself have my very own bank account. I’m just so glad that someone came in to help out as we were really struggling.”
The managing directors of the bank were unavailable for comment although it has been mentioned that the bank has become so successful that a second and third branch are expected by the end of year, located next to the climbing frame and over by the pond respectively.
September 27th, 2010
Some people at work said I looked like this cartoon drawing of a policewoman so I decided to do one myself which was more fitting to the grace and lovliness of my face. This was the outcome.
FYI, I never wear a tie and I only drew shades because I didn’t want to risk messing up the EYES.
September 20th, 2010
I am part of some sort of collection, whether they’re actors, singers or dancers I’m not quite sure. All I know is that for some reason I’m doing whatever it is they do and they all really like and admire me for it, especially the women who all seem to be famous yet I can’t quite put my finger on it.
As we are finishing a performance one of the girls, probably dark hair and a cute face, asks me if I want to go out for drinks and I say yes. I think I do but the dream cuts it out. I’m then on a tour bus with all the others when I get a call from ex-X Factor and solo singer Diana Vickers who tells me that she really admires my work and wants to go out sometime.
I meet her in a nice restaurant somewhere. She is as pretty in the dream as she is in real life however my attention is drawn to her arms and hands which have several cuts and abrasions as though she has been harming herself. I don’t know what to think and I wake up.
What does it all mean?!?
September 16th, 2010
From the moment I set eyes on her there has not been a part of me that hasn’t either shivered in disgust or mentally thrown up. Christine Bleakley represents the part of the celebrity world who appeared out of nowhere and hasn’t really justified her existance yet.
Do we need her? I suppose if you ask Adrian Chiles for his expert opinion, and that’s expert in the loosest sense of the word, he would conclude we did having spent many an evening flirting with her on the set of ‘The One Show’, the vacuous light entertainment show which continues to limp across television sets across the country. This is not a chance to set up awful BB shows though; there will come a time and place for everything. However you look at Bleakley she just comes across as smug and empty, like a Toby jug. You could crack open her head and there’d be enough space in there for a Harrier Jump Jet. You could probably use her body as a sled over Christmas and she wouldn’t notice, unless she was missing a date with Frank Lampard.
So they both continue to filter on-screen stupidity in Daybreak, ITV’s replacement for GMTV. The only valid reason for its existance is to provide an outlet for Jonathan Ross’ band ‘Four Poofs and a Piano’ now that his ‘Friday Night with Jonathan Ross’ program is finished.
I doubt that she will ever rise in my estimations. I don’t like thinking badly of people (heh heh) but there are some that you just cannot put up with and she firmly remains one of these. I’d sooner train a bear to maul me than spend five minutes in her company.
September 14th, 2010
It would appear that under increasing strain in every day life, including rises in gas and electric, the struggle to reduce carbon emissions and a grim prospect of the coalition government trying to ensure the country recovers from the billions of debt by making sacrifices, people are unable to keep control of their finances. In a radical move though helplines and websites that offer advice to those who are unable to make ends meet have been telling their callers to listen to pop music.
“We get on average ten to fifteen hundred calls a day and that’s a lot of phones to answer,” says volunteer Jeff Noodle, “so it’s only fair that we filter those numbers down by providing alternate means. There are a lot of songs out there that quite frankly could end helplines like these. They tell you what you should be doing with a bit of sass and a catchy chorus. Who can argue with that?”
Top of the list of these songs is ‘Moneys Too Tight To Mention’ by Simply Red, closely followed by Shania Twain’s ‘Ker-Ching’.
“You wouldn’t believe the feedback we get from people once they’ve had a spin of Simply Red. They’re all smiles and laughter then. I don’t know what it is but it works and that’s fine by me.”
Sometimes the system doesn’t work however following the recent report of Charles Edmonds who half heard what the advisor told him and listened to ‘The Right Thing’ by Simply Red instead. Mr Edmonds is due to attend Leeds Crown Court on 29th October for lewd public acts and indecent exposure.
September 7th, 2010
September 5th, 2010
I thought my subconscious had returned to normal but clearly it hasn’t. Luckily this was a lot shorter than the previous ones.
I’m in my old bedroom, as in the one back at my mum’s house and I must be something like twelve or thirteen. As I sit on my bed covering the wall directly in front of me is a large collection of plastic drawers and in each drawer are things like pens and stationary items. I look through each one diligently and to my surprise all the ones on the far right have hamsters in.
I shut the drawers quickly to make sure they don’t escape however I’m not quick enough. Hamsters seem to pour out of nowhere and go underneath my bed. I’m worried I’ll squish them so I move out of the way towards the window. It’s get a little too much and I weep openly and I’m pretty sure I ask for someone’s help but whoever is in the room with me offers some useless words of advice and carries on reading their magazine.
So I stand there not knowing what to do, feeling as though I’ve let my hamsters down.
What does it mean?!?
September 1st, 2010
