Archive for January, 2011
Having triumphed accidentally in the music quiz at the Tanners last night I am a whopping £6.50 up on my usual scattering of money. But then I am posed the question of what to do with such a haul. I keep getting told that we’re in a recession however I can’t say I’ve really been paying it too much attention, unlike my fried egg this morning. The last time someone complained about money I spat cigar smoke in their face and ran over them in my Mercedes.
I am presented with several options and I think I need a little guidance in order to make sure my winnings are used in the best possible way. Here are my current options.
- I licked a yoghurt pot too hard last night and cut my tongue, so perhaps some proper tongue plasters?
- I’ve always wanted to go mental in a Pound Shop; think of all the scouring pads and toothpaste I could have!
- I could get a copy of ‘Ah… The Name Is Bootsy Baby’ by Bootsy Collins for just over a fiver, although that sealed Yazz LP is completely out of the question.
- A dilapidated flat. Does anyone know of any in the Leeds area? They must be that cheap by now. I bought a garage for tuppence the other day.
Please help me with my endeavours if you can. I would put it to Des’ree but I think she’s exhausted from the previous problem.
January 26th, 2011
We would like to welcome 90’s female pop singer extraordinaire Des’ree to the Beans fold. She will be acting as Agony Aunt to all you troubled sexy teenagers out there, and possibly any others who have extracurricular problems. So if you have anything you would like Des’ree to assist with contact us at some contact address and we will pass the messages across to her, like our first letter writer did. She is far too ashedmed to use her real name so for the moment we will refer to her using the catchy monikor Trouser-Press Trudie:
Trouser-Press Trudie: Dear Des’ree, I keep having disgusting dreams involving dairy products and celebrities. Last night I woke up in a cold sweat after dreaming about Paddy McGuinness drenched in greek yoghurt. The previous week it was Paul Daniels taking a shower in semi-skimmed milk. Is this normal or should I be making a doctor’s appointment?
Des’ree: Life, oh life, oh life, oh life.
We trust this answers your question Trudie.
January 24th, 2011
January 21st, 2011
Of course you can!
Today I have been learning about marmots thanks to an uplifting and insightful piece about them in a book I was reading. They have proved to be quite the page-turning, excellent-digging mammal. Let’s hear some facts about the little geezers:
- Marmots are called marmots but they are also known as groundhogs and wood chucks, which is why when you type their name into google image a bunch of photos of groundhogs appear. Don’t let this confuse you.
- Their scientific name is Marmota Monax, which would be a good name for a femme fetale in a film noir or a super villain in a Spiderman comic. Take note Marvel!
- Unfortunately they do not like humans or owls which will severely affect any future relationship I may have with a marmot. Learning this made me sad for several minutes.
- Their primary food is stuff you would find outside such as grass, dry grass and lightly wetted grass although tell this to the marmot I saw hiding behind a tree in the park pushing a Big Mac into his mouth.
- Marmots are far more interesting and industrious than most of its animal relatives, in fact I’d even go so far as to say they’re probably more industrious than my relatives. They will store food up for the winter several months before winter. Recent developments in Apple technology have also been attributed to marmots.
There. Now if anyone asks you if you know anything about marmots you can pretend you do. Bless the internet and all its little tiny toes.
January 18th, 2011
January 12th, 2011
What with it being 2011 it seemed as though a few items needed a re-boot for no apparent reason other than everything else, eventually, gets a re-boot. Look at Battlestar Gallactica. Look at Spiderman. The fact is that we need to keep up with the swingers and the shakers.
So welcome to the newly establishment b*astardised sibling of comfy beans confident ‘She’s Fit (But The Musics Sh*t) now specialising in ultimate horror and abject tirades against those who somehow sneak through the gaps of life, make a name for themselves with some pap they came up with on the bus and cash in until the cow runs dry. Who better to start us off with than Florence Welch of album re-releasing mega-whores Florence and the Machine.
I have never liked them. When they first came out they seemed all happy and dreamlike and they pranced away in the corner away from my eyes, which I was more than contented with. They released single after single which, depressingly, even from my viewpoint, sounded very similar with accompanying music videos which seemed to highlight the fact that 1) their singer was a girl and 2) their singer was ginger. The album was released to critical acclaim as if kooky female singers were somehow a rarity in this day and age. Then however came the crown turd in the lunchbox.
A cover. A single. Run into the ground like a parched wizard looking for water. Everywhere you went you couldn’t escape the tiresome opening line of, “Sometimes I feel like holding my hands up in the air…”. I quite liked the original and it didn’t deserve any of this. Wave after wave kept hitting you in the face until the album was released again with this guff, then again as a limited edition box set, then again to incorporate even more tracks. The whole point of a box set is that it gives you a wide berth of the artist’s music and not the same ten or so songs over and over again live, acoustically and then demoed. It’s just stupid and I know it will have been the record company behind this but even so there is a line.
Then to make matters worse she started believing her own hype and you could find her draped over anything within a 50 mile radius of yourself warbling out in front of a crowd of a couple of thousand. I can only hope that, like Sandi Thom, she will be ousted out of the public eye as soon as possible. Even Gaga has a couple of tunes. This is just terrible.
January 11th, 2011
All you Papples fans out there will probably be very excited to hear that at some point in 2011 not only will a new Papples album surface but also a thrilling new project featuring long-time scientist, full-time alchemist, solicitor and lawyer Kevin Hill.
Currently nine or so tracks have been written and they will be in a completely different direction to the first two albums. Fear not though, they still retain the warmth, lyrical intensity coupled with timeless tunes you all know and love.
We are all very giddy at Pap HQ to unleash this behemoth upon the unsuspecting now suspecting world.
Further updates will follow.
January 10th, 2011
So you’re living in a chilly wasteland of a VAT increase coupled with a lack of funds because you’re stretching your money over some horrific five week period because they paid you early for Christmas which, at the time, seemed like a good idea but then again it always does because your pay overlaps with the previous months and you look like you have several more clams than you really do.
It might be that way, or on the other hand you might not.
If you sit firmly in the latter camp then what you need are SEVERAL of the NEW lines of Smoochies Inc MERCHANDISE about to HIT the FLOOR. Not only have they disregarded the global economic collapse but they have upped their prices too. How do you like them apples? Welcome to the money-spinning ‘Out Of This World’ collection of tat.
Do you have one of those inconsiderate friends who has “everything”? Shove one of these in their gobs. With the ‘Moon on a Stick’ lollipop you can have a pop at their expense as well as silence. The ‘MoaS’ lollipop is designed to occupy the entirety of the mouthal region to ensure no noise can escape through into your ear holes.
Stuck on what to get the kids when they next freak out? Buy the new and exciting board game ‘Around The Houses’. What starts off as a simple trip to the shops suddenly turns into a long and lengthy journey as roadworks, traffic jams and pensioners stand in your way of getting back home. With six amazing levels of play you will marvel at how much you were shafted on the price.
For tiny children why not opt for our ‘Bells and Whistles’ campaign which is seeking to supply every small person in the United Kingdom with either a bell or a whistle. Children should be heard, very very loudly.
Turn to page 799 in your Smoochies Inc catalogue for more information.
January 6th, 2011
January 5th, 2011
So…
I was hoping to make the first post of the year a ceremoniously amazing photo of us all as Lego men but due to the fact that Audrey appears to have left the camera in a bag and thrown it into her wardrobe we don’t know where the chuffer is. I managed to take a shufftie shufftie one on my phone but alas despite messing around for half an hour I am still in the dark about how to turn on the Bluetooth on the strange netbook effort.
So…
What this merely demonstrates is my inability to plan ahead and to use devices of a technical nature. My language however is somewhat still at the same basic level as a chimpanzee; go me.
So…
Here’s to the year of twenty lemons!
January 4th, 2011
