Did You Know Where I Came From?

December 22nd, 2010

I think it’s only fair to let everyone know, and when I say everyone currently I just mean Kev, that I am not the original Ian McIver. I am in fact a sequel to myself, a sequel to the original McIver who came before me, but who also was me. It gets even more complicated when I say that the original McIver wasn’t a human but he was in fact a radiator.

When I was first “born” I was created in a factory because I was a radiator. For the first thirteen years of my life I was installed in a strip club in one of the nicer areas of London where beautiful semi-naked women would rest their booties on me to keep them warm during the winter months. It was agony during the spring and the summer unless a particularly nasty cold spell meant they needed my assistance. Unfortunately this was not to last.

For the next thirteen years of my life, when the strip club was closed down on indecency chrges, I was placed in an old people’s home in Coventry. It can only be described as the biggest test of anyone’s patience imaginable. The horrors that took place there I will never speak of again (until someone pays me to write my memoirs). Want a sample? Two words: wrinkly bottoms.

It was then that I was signed up for another thirteen year stretch in another part of the world. I would have done anything to get out of there. It became apparent though that in my desperation to escape I did not check the fine print on the piece of paper. I have signed up to radiate the sea underwater; unfortunately the thirteen years didn’t pan out quite as successfully though as I suffocated after 98 seconds.

Look how I turned out though!

Entry Filed under: Ian