The Noble Art of Conversation
October 25th, 2011
Me: Hello?
Pig: You f*cking b*stard, I am going to find you and f*ck you up good and proper sunshine. You will find me at the other end of the boot that is going to be kicking your a*se good and proper.
Me: Is that Kev?
Pig: When you wake up you will f*cking fear me. I will be the first f*cking thing on your mind, son. You will sh*t your pants at the veru sight of me and I will be on your case twenty four seven you just watch.
Me: In that case I’m gonna need to buy some more pants.
Pig: You what?
Me: If I’m going to be cacking my pants every, what, hour or so then I’m going to need much, much more boxer shorts and they aren’t cheap.
Pig: No you don’t seem to…
Me: And I don’t get paid for another fortnight so is there any chance you might be able to hold off until say November sometime? Actually no that’s a busy month for me. And then there’s Christmas, ooo it’s all adding up. Could we possibly I know you were hoping for like now but would you mind waiting until the end of January?
Pig: END OF JANUARY?!?
Me: I’ll have to pay for Christmas and then there’s the boy’s birthday and he wants a party and everything. I’m not the richest man in the world and then having to save up for a sudden onslaught of terror brought on by a mysterious caller who is threatening to make me empty my bowels several times a day, well it’s a bit of an inconvenience.
Pig: Look just forget it, alright?
Ian: No come on, don’t be like that. I’m totally up for it however you just have to give me a little more time.
Pig: It’s not worth it. If your hearts not in it.
Ian: My heart is in it. Don’t be like this
Engaged tone.
Ian: This is why I never answer calls after, on or before 9pm.