Date with Destruction

“I used to be cool but now I’m this guy.”

I am soft. I must be because right now I’m staring at a bag of stuff that needs to be shipped off to the nearest charity shop and I can’t. It’s brimming with Reuben’s toys that he used to play with when he first started coming to mine about four and a half years ago. There’s Mega Blocks and a toy piano and a small cash register that he used to steal the money from because he’s obsessed with fiscal gain. How the time flies! Now he’s seven and trying to steal my real money from my pocket whenever he offers a pretend hug. The bag is sandwiched between my desk and the window and I reckon that my big, spongey heart and sentimental attitude will prevent me from moving it for another six months or so. I want to keep them but what would I do with them? Where would they go? There’s less space in Audrey’s flat than there is in the average mouse’s fridge. Perhaps I’ll move them around between various different locations until I can find the stoney-faced resolve to part company.

Would you want a perfume and/or cologne that smelled of burnt toast? Obviously if you were looking to eat toast you would want unburned toast however it occured to me that perfumes are to make you feel nice. What would be nicer than the scent of your favourite food? It wouldn’t necessarily have to be blackened toast it could be tomato sauce, pineapple or that lovely fresh bread smell you only get in remote English villages. If we could find a way to bottle that sh*t then I think it would be a best seller.

I have envelopes; I’m prepared for the worst now.

January 23rd, 2012 Ian

Glad All Over

“It doesn’t matter what you do to it, it’s always gonna sound like Dave Clark Five.”

Monday night I spent the evening discussing how to set out and run an alternative exercise class based on acrobatics and meat. I can’t disclose the details here however for fear of my methods being discovered. Last night I went to the music quiz with a quiche where I fear that it answered more questions correctly than I did. Whether or not it did remains to be seen. I do envy that quiche.

After my brief spell of organisation I have fallen back into old habits and sit looking at piles of things and think, “mneh”. That’s not the way 2012 is supposed to be. 2012 is the year of TRIUMPH and ACHIEVEMENT and various other things. The future is unwritten but I’m trying to write the f*cker with a bigger part for me, and one that doesn’t involve me succumbing to sitting in front of the television and getting excited about a new series of Ice Road Truckers.

So with Daisy in hand, that’s my ukulele, I’m going to blast away the cold shackles of 2011 and remain a force to be reckoned with. I am going to keep exercising. I am going to keep writing new songs with the hope of recording them later on in the year via my friend’s newly acquired computer music studio bigwigs effort. I am going to remove all items that I don’t need or use and give them away to whomever I choose and not let them clutter up my room. And ultimately I am going to stop buying music for the moment because I am sure I still haven’t listened to 25% of my CD collection. There’s no point in buying more. I think. Unless it’s someone I really like. Or SST finally reissues all the Husker Du albums, aside from the Warners and Reflex releases of course. Let’s not get into semantics.

Breathe deeply.

January 18th, 2012 Ian


“Somewhere along the way they forget to remove the bananas.”

It has been a pretty busy weekend. The key points to remember is that most weekends are busy weekends so you have to provide details for other people so that you don’t sound as though you’re covering for the fact that all you did was sit in your pyjamas and eat olives and tinned pineapple because you couldn’t be bothered to leave your house to go to the shops.

Along with Reuben’s seventh birthday, which was canny, I re-watched a very good film I haven’t seen in a long while (‘Bubba Ho Tep’) and then got smashed in the hand several times by a plastic golfing club. I’m sure when the lovely men and women of wherever decided to get together and make Gator Golf they did not envisage the child players of the aforementioned game using their sporting implements as weapons. Or perhaps they did. Maybe they’re sitting somewhere nice, because they’ve sold so many where they are must be nice, laughing at the tiny army of golfing warriors they’re creating every single day. Reuben has a good aim when he’s not thinking about it. Twice he managed to single out my left hand, the second time causing a tiny bruise to appear. It still smarts now.

I also wrote a song about how to spell the word ‘cowl’, which I shall now relay to this empty internet room:

Everybody knows how to spell ‘owl’,
But do you know how to spell ‘cowl’?
Come on everyone!
Join in the fun!

First you spell ‘owl’ with an O W L
Then you put a C on the start. That’s swell.
That’s how you spell ‘owl’
And that’s how you spell ‘cowl’.
Didn’t we learn something interesting today?

I can see primary school, and possibly even some secondary school, teachers up and down the country getting down with this shit. I’ll crack off a tune and it’ll be solid gold by the time you get to hear about it.

January 15th, 2012 Ian

Toast Girl

“What do you mean you’ve never heard a dove cry?”

I don’t suppose you’ve ever seen
The wondrous sigh of fair
Joanna, the wild and thoughtful girl,
Who keeps toast in her hair?

Crazy styles are out the door
And heated bread is in,
Just do a favour now and then
And wipe the crumbs from off her chin.

January 12th, 2012 Ian

Enter ‘Clever Title’ Here

“Did I just hear someone use the expression, ‘beautiful erections’?”

I’m trying to get organised. I am on the cusp of being organised but by doing so I am approaching a dangerous scenario. Whatever could this scenario by? What’s the harm in getting everything up to date and where it should be?

I’ve discovered that outside of organisation, in that dark and murky void of “eh” and “ummm” and “huh” lies a relaxed attitude to practically everything which is very intriguing. I’ve been proactive so much recently that unless I can achieve some massive goal during the day I feel deflated and let down. “All those other things I’ve done are much better and can’t compare to the pish-shit I’ve done today”, I muse and end up staring into a cup of gherkins thinking that drinking all the alcohol in the flat is a very sensible idea.

Then again, I want to stop. I want to sit somewhere and have a quiet rest. Every lunchtime I’ve been running around performing chores and to then have to return to work and do another three hours. My chagrin is well and truly chafed. It’s browsing through a catalogue and trying to leave me it’s that disgruntled and I don’t blame it.

Once this week is over I’m going to return the simple life of being a super rich rock star. Pass me my glitter paints!

January 11th, 2012 Ian


“It’s when the boat blows up that makes me the happiest.”

2012 will no doubt bring forth new ideas and ways of thinking. I however do not like to think about the future because I’m obsessed with the past. We’ve previously talked about Shit Wizards but what about those figures of magic at the complete opposite end of the spectrum? What about the Bling Wizards?

Bling Wizards are completely committed to their role as absolute masters of magic, but they also know how to have a good times. If you were a Bling Wizard on a Saturday night if you weren’t stood in a casino with two girls on your arm drinking champagne out of a cow’s anus then there’d be something wrong with you. They love to indulge in the craziest behaviour possible. Most Bling Wizards love extreme sports such as crocodile stacking, electrical pylon base jumping and owl darts.

I have met and interviewed many Bling Wizards in my time and the blingest and most wizardous of them all must be Billy Sheffield. A young entrepreneur and orange enthusiast, Billy led the way when it came to indulgence. He once built a statue of himself out of led paste and ate the whole thing so they could build an orphanage where it stood. He also regularly corrected GMT when it would accidentally tick two seconds instead of one and nobody noticed. Billy noticed.

If you think that this line of work is not to your tastes there are many other wizard careers you could pursue. The Shit Wizard and Bling Wizard are only two of several different endeavours. If you require further information shoot two possums into the air and you’ll find our leaflet on your doorstep the next day.

January 8th, 2012 Ian

New ways to waste your time (again)

“Not to drink, no, but to recycle, yes!”

I think it’s fair to say that my mind is trying to destroy me:

Everthing Counts – Depeche Mode
Planetary (Go!) – My Chemical Romance
Woman Trouble – Artful Dodger ft all them geezers
We Will Rock You – Queen
This Ain’t A Scene, It’s An Arms Race – Fall Out Boy
G-Pigs Tonight (an original composition by R. McIver)
Theme music from Dexter
Get Me Naked 2: Electric Bugaloo – Minus The Bear
Yer Blues – The Beatles
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing – Jack Johnson
She Hates Me – Puddle of Mudd
You Need Me, I Don’t Need You – Ed Sheeran
There Must Be An Angel (Playing With My Heart) – Eurythmics
F.E.A.R – Ian Brown
Going The Distance – Cake
Rainy Day Women # 12 & 35 – Bob Dylan
Shakespeare’s Sister – The Smiths
Fake Tales of San Francisco – Arctic Monkeys
Spaceman – Babylon Zoo
Jenny Was a Friend of Mine – The Killers
Psycho – The Sonics
Various music from The Legend of the Mystical Ninja
Sick, Sick, Sick – Queens of the Stone Age
Inhaler – Miles Kane
Hitchin’ a Ride – Green Day

Don’t get me wrong, there were a lot of good songs running through the noggin yesterday but why would it choose songs I don’t like? That are pretty tripe? Does anyone remember Puddle of Mudd? I especially disliked this song because it sounded quite like a song called ‘I Found Out’ by unpopular Irish pop rockers Wilt, previously Kerbdog. They were way too whiney and sounded nothing like Nirvana despite a lot of people comparing the two at the time. Eh?

This experiment is over. Two days of this is driving me mad and having to discount songs that have been planted there by other people (that sodding Blue song, dabba da dabba dee off) is making what little work I do suffer.

Oh well, it was a fun idea for a while. Next please!

January 5th, 2012 Ian

New year, new ways to waste your time!

“I don’t pay you to talk I pay you to sit there and eat quiche…”

Yesterday to liven up the first day back at work, which thankfully only lasted until 4pm due to me needing to be at a previous engagement, I decided to make a note of all the songs that popped into my head. I wanted to see if there was some sort of correlation or if it was just because I wanted to listen to it. The list as it happens is somewhat erratic:

Howlin’ For You – The Black Keys
Instant Karma – John Lennon
This is Halloween – The Citizens of Halloween (from the Nightmare before Christmas soundtrack)
All The King’s Men – Wild Beasts
Hymn For The Postal Service – Hefner
All I’m Losing is Me – Saves the Day
Henrietta – The Fratellis
American Pie – Don McLean (why???)
Theme music from the video game Flashback
Jacqueline – Franz Ferdinand
Sunshine Superman – Donovan
Without Me – Eminem
The Perfect Drug – Nine Inch Nails
The Drowners – Suede
So You Wanna Be a Boxer (from the Bugsy Malone soundtrack)
Prayer of the Refugee – Rise Against
Bring Me To Life – Evanescence (why???)
Nightingale – Saves the Day
You’re a Star – Fionn Regan
Maps – The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Quiet – Smashing Pumpkins
The fiddle music from Sherlock Holmes
Dancing in the Dark – Bruce Springsteen
Watching the Detectives – Elvis Costello

I’m pretty sure that there were others but sometimes when you’re brain isn’t fully switched on its hard to focus, so who knows there could have been plenty of Abba or maybe even more Evanescence hidden away in there. Perhaps not being able to focus is a good thing.

Some can be explained, such as the Bugsy Malone song (forced to watch over Christmas) or Flashback (recently revisited) or Fionn Regan (really love the new album) but others are just baffling. If we can sprinkle science over any part of this half-arsed experiment I would suggest we don’t. My conclusions are that there’s a lot going on up there and whoever is pulling the strings likes a bit of most things.

January 4th, 2012 Ian

Hello you fellows!

“I certainly don’t want to be here and I certainly don’t want you to be here either”

Good morning you big bunch of cantankerous old gits you. How have you been? You well?

So we hit 2012 with the merry disposition that we use to greet all brand new years. We’re all miserable because we have to return to work or whatever, no longer strangers to routine. We’re all skint because we spent every penny we had on presents, then we withdrew some extra for getting drunk, then we relied on the credit card to buy everyone else a drink and also to pay for the taxi home.

I now have approximately three and a half weeks or so before I get paid again and as of this moment too scared to check my bank balance. That is my biggest concern. There are plenty of things that are already paid for however the three birthdays waiting around the corner to hit me across the chops continue to revel in my misfortune. I only hope that I can curb my spending habits to stretch what little I have across the month of January.

Have I made any resolutions? Nah, there’s far too many things I want to change although I will be making a conscious effort to stop using my two favourite words as often, them being ‘kitty’ and ‘face’. As much as I love them I understand the overkill so I’m going to try to substitute them for ‘cat’ and current trend ‘viso/volto’. For example:

“Kitty kitty kitty! Look at the kitty with his lovely little kitty face!”

will be changed to

“There’s a cat. That cat has a refreshing viso/volto I might chase after him with the possibility of petting him on the chops.”

You know, something like that. I also hope to break my son into some sort of employment because he’s almost seven and quite frankly the prospect of paying for half of everything again for the next ten years or so is chaffing my chagrin. He can pull his own weight. The entertainment he provides could earn a tidy dollar; fingers crossed.

There we go. As good a start as any. So, where’s me umbrella?

January 2nd, 2012 Ian

I thought it was just another week… ?

But it’s not, is it? This represents a lot unfortunately.

For me in particular it is as follows:

1) This is the last week where you can buy things cheap online, because shipping officially becomes redundant as of Friday as it’s the last day for first class to be posted and still arrive before Christmas. If you’re not in any rush then this doesn’t affect you, and that makes me want to put your face through a window more.

2) This is also the last week that I can get anything for my family for Christmas because come Saturday morning me and the boy will be whisked down to Leeds via East Coast trains for the traditional early family Christmas, so it’s a relatively frenzied look in any shops that still hold stock and then in my heading piecing together various pieces of information about each person to try to find a suitable gift. “My brother John likes television… and he’s used to wearing t-shirts… therefore he’s bound to like this bottle of shampoo?”

3) The works Christmas event. It’s happening this Friday. I’m still not sure whether I want to go, but I should at least show my face. We have many interesting developments over the night including a singer (?), a magician (??) and then a disco which will no doubt include several Christmas songs, a Grease and possibly even a Dirty Dancing megamix. If they whip out the Steps megamix then I walk. There’s only so much that one person can stand after all.

I only hope that I can cope with the pressure as I know my bank account has already collapsed under the weight of expectation. People still accept blood as payment for goods and services, right?

December 12th, 2011 Ian

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