Posts filed under 'Bedtime stories'
Today I have been spending a lot of my time catching up with US singer-songwriter, actor, filmmaker and director not to mention choreographer Toni Basil.
I have to admit that I was quite naive when it came to the career of Toni Basil. I was not aware that she released her first single as far back as 1966. I was not aware that her debut album had three songs written by Devo on it. I was also not aware that she starred in the films ‘Easy Rider’ and ‘Five Easy Pieces’ and that she was the one who choreographed and directed the Talking Heads video ‘Once In A Lifetime’. The list just goes on and on!
Actually it doesn’t. It goes on for a little bit and stops. You can’t argue with the bubblegum teen fury of a song such as ‘Mickey’. It didn’t get voted No 6 on VH1’s 100 Greatest One Hit Wonders of the 80’s for nothing. It’s just a shame that the original version of the song was called ‘Kitty’ and she changed the words to coincide with the fact that she worked with Mickey Dolenz of the Monkeys during their sixties headf*ck of a film ‘Head’.
Pay particular interest to her 1983 song ‘Shoppin’ from A to Z’ which features a shopping list consisting of various grocery items, each beginning with a different letter of the alphabet. I am waterin’ at the mouth at the prospect of listening to this tonight.
Look at ME and be inspired.
July 5th, 2010
Those have heard, down our way
Of a certain story that does tell
Of a certain character, small and thin
That reeks of compost, farts and gin
Eyes of wonder, teeth that grin
That be him, that Fumblegin
For a long time animals went missing
After dark, when the owls did hoot
At first it was believed to be fancy cats (oooo!)
Or hustling mice or chunky rats
Except that none of these exist
So to avoid humiliation, they took a risk
Set a trap and what did they catch?
Not a cat or a rat or a Bandersnatch
But a wee small man with a tache so trim
That was him, that Fumblegin
Despite trying for at least a day
He managed to escape just after lunch
Not that he really did much to disguise
Where he lived, you just followed the pies
Down the street and around the bend
Right to the very end
There he sits, belly on top
Stinking like a rancid mop
It’d take three lifetimes to recount his sin
You know him, that’s Fumblegin
May 26th, 2010
Increasing pressure has today been inflicted upon the world by a large group of Americans obsessed with the motion picture ‘Back To The Future II’. They are stating that, with less than five years before we reach the year 2015, they are very disappointed with the lack of progress in the fields of science that were implied in the film.
“It’s awful,” says hasbeen wunderkinder Lars Inuit who is the spokesperson for the group Get Back To The Future, “We’ve no hover cars, no hover boards. Last week I went into a diner and there wasn’t a monitor with Ronald Regan on it telling me what the day’s specials were. I don’t really think there is enough time for the technology to reach this level anymore. What are we supposed to do?”
With not really having anyone from the world to speak on behalf of the world the United Nations decided to balance a donkey on a beachball for seven minutes as a direct response to the claims from the group. When the donkey only managed thirty seconds it was rushed away into a back room and replaced with a cardboard cut out.
We asked Kevin Hill Science Master, leader in the field of tasting his own mouth, about the news. “I’ve seen the film but it’s never had an effect on me. I mean what’s the point in finding out what is happening in a few years time when we’ve only just reached the point where we can taste our own mouths? We need to focus and stick to the basics.”
A similar group appeared towards the end of the twentieth century when fans on the cult television series ‘Space 1999’ were appauled that the citizens of planet earth were not living on the moon and travelling around in shoddy trains.
May 12th, 2010
Today I have been spending a lot of my time catching with 80’s singer, musician and apparently model Yazz.
We are all aware that Yazz is known best for her 1988 number one single ‘The Only Way Is Up’ but what followed the success of this breakthrough? Not at lot as it seems. Despite three other successful singles from the same album it would appear that the only way was down. The next releases were few and far between and the world appeared to forget about Yazz. Even a cover of ‘How Long’ with Aswad wasn’t enough to get the general public panting like puppies.
What does Yazz do now you ask? According to Wikipedia she has found faith, is an active member of the Calahonda Baptist Church and lives in Spain. It would appear that she is and has been married to husband Jazz Summers. Yazz and Jazz are rarely seen in public but it might be due to the fact that criminally nobody is looking for them.
I, personally, am gutted that the United Kingdom missed out on the French only release Yazz Megamix back in 1990 and that back in September 2009 when ‘The Only Way Is Up’ was re-released I didn’t know. I will leave you with this information. Go forth and spread some.
Look at ME and be inspired.
May 6th, 2010
Time is of the essence.
I have decided to take one of my more obscure business ventures and actually make it happen. Having visited a local bank I have managed to secure a small loan in order to get us up and running. I won’t go into too many details because there are rivals constantly watching me, trying to steal my ideas. Know this though: if they strike me down I will become more powerful than they could ever imagine…
Nah I’ll just do it now. I am going to open two shops: one selling eagles and one as an opticians with a twist in the centre of town. After people constantly mishearing what I am saying on the phone at work it was inevitable. The eagles we sell will be the best. The opticians will all be dressed as birds. This time next year Optimum Eagles and Opticle Seagulls will be raking the money in.
You may offer to buy shares now.
May 5th, 2010
There has been a rise of a brand new phenomena in the United Kingdom whereby politeness has reached a fresh level of stupidity. There is an increasing number of both men and women who experience what can only be described as a Shy Heart Attack. Upon discovering they are having a heart attack they then decide not to tell anyone and proceed as though nothing is wrong. If they are questioned about it they are more likely to shrug it off and carry on eating their salad rather than make a fuss.
Linda Apples is one of these people. “I knew what was happening and even though my first instinct was to scream out in pain and shout for a doctor there was a part of me that couldn’t do it. I didn’t want all those people in the cafe staring at me so I chose to sit at my table, finish my profiteroles and then quietly take the bus to the hospital.”
The British public have always been known for their high level of stiff upper lip but this has got both government watchdogs and members of the medical profession completely baffled. “Fair enough don’t cause a scene if your dog has pooped in your tea, ” said Dr. Miles Guhungus, “but if your heart has stopped working properly for the love of God do something! What if the last thing you did with your life was to walk in an awkward fashion in the direction of your local surgery with a forced smile on your face?”
More and more people are succumbing to it. In the first quarter of the year a total of nine men and seven women encountered Shy Heart Attacks, with a possible three others to follow by June. Various reasons have been listed for doing such a thing including, “I didn’t want the restaurant owner to think I hated his salmon fillets so I stayed to eat the whole thing,” and, “Jimmy hates it when I cry. He said all the other dads thought I was a wuss so I sucked it in and finished that triathlon.”
April 24th, 2010
Here be a rough draft of a song that is speechmarks in the mix close speechmarks. It’s based on a well-loved character from my past whose very name can make your heart sing.
He stood three storeys high
With a wizened look in his eye
All the while that cheeky smile
At everyone passing by
He’s one for every occasion
Morning, noon and night
Have you heard his name?
Of course I think you might.
Chorus
Colossal and robust, a character of trust
Jimmy Titan, Jimmy Titan
No-one heartier than Jimmy Titan
Be wary of his powers deceptive as they are
They pack the molten punch of a massive exploding star
His hairs not near but he still looks a treat
And you’ll find him in the bar
He’s one for every occasion
Birthdays, weddings, weekends
Have you heard his name?
Of course you have dear friends
Chorus x 2
If you need manly chats, he’s for a spin
If you need a manly hug he’ll squeeze you thin
If you need entertainment for your sister’s new boyfriend’s best friend’s pool party because the party CD got scratched and your I-pod is on the blink and someone is desperately searching for their Simply Red LPs… why not?
Chorus x 2
(I. McIver / Papples Music Empire)
April 15th, 2010
So, as it goes, that Geordies start and end sentences with the same words, I decided to call an emergency luncheon with two gentlemen to try and stop the slide of pouringbeans.com into obscurity.
“Mr Brek,” I shouted across the room, and immediately he saw who and what my purpose was, “over here,” I continued and then I added, “you div!” to which he burst into laughter like a raptor. When the tears had subsided we sat down and ordered two plates of coffee and half a bagel of juice. The morning was spiffing and all the more for it because it was breakfast. We engaged in idle banter whilst waiting for the third of our party to arrive and he did, as always, struggling to stand up with a girl on each arm. “Mr Charms,” I ordered like a whistle in a pantry, “over here,” and that is where I left my chant.
He stumbled up, rested his head on his hands and slurred nonsense for the next twenty minutes. We could always see through the facade – why bother? He’s clearly not what we’re looking for. Nonetheless his company was appreciated. When the cutlery was cleared away we had forgotten the reason for coming and said adieu in the nicest possible way that didn’t involve cider.
March 23rd, 2010
So it’s almost over yes, I admit that, but what I won’t admit is defeat when we all stand on the jaws of success. The jaws of triumph. The jaws of not defeat. We have only two more days left of 2009 which has been the worst 2009 I have ever come across. If I ever do come across another 2009 I will be sure to boot it up the backside before it has a chance to turn around and gaze into my wonderful face.
So… what should 2010 start with? Unfortunately it would appear as though the mascot has re-surfaced as the way of grabbing attention from the general public. Compare the Market managed it with a meerkat in a dressing gown. Churchill continues to have a nodding dog that sounds like Vic Reeves. Awful, awful advert for Go Compare has an awful, awful opera singer and a terrible pun at the end. So what do we do? We jump on the bandwagon of course!
We will have to sit down and think about this for a while. Luckily I did a lot of that over the Christmas period so the majority of it is almost done. What I was thinking when it comes to a mascot for da Beans it would have to be something that you would instantly link us to. So I’ve narrowed it down to two possibles:
1) A Badger with a limp
2) The Knitted Beaver
I think we would have more chance with the beaver given the rich and wondrous history he has given to us all. We could have a stupid tagline like, “Beev-er? Done that? Then try Pouring Beans Dot Com!” What does the focus group think?
December 29th, 2009
Our second trip to India was by far the most interesting and eye-opening of all of Winthrop’s adventures. We had initially hoped to only be there for a few months but as it happened the expedition lasted a good two years. In that time we managed to survey and map practically all of the country’s locations we had wanted to visit including the final rest ground of Bab Nool Yony, his two villages, his summer house on the borders of China and even the curious umbrella shop who’s ultimate purpose was never revealed to anybody…
After the first couple of weeks I must admit I did yearn to return home to the luscious green fields of England and I kept this to myself but Winthrop could see this written all over my face. With the absence of a mirror I couldn’t see that he’d actually written it all over my face using some lipstick he’d stolen from Lady Gannymede at the last ‘Fine Wines and Limes’ evening in Printstock Hall. He never explained why he did it and for some reason I didn’t ask. Instead we would talk about many things that for legal and personal reasons cannot be noted here.
I recall one particular evening in the wildernesses of Bengal where too much brandy had given way to red faces and wet trousers. The next morning we were due to meet with a respected local who held much sway over the surrounding areas. Unfortunately because of the state we had gotten into during the night neither of us was in any state for diplomacy. When we arrived in the village Winthrop announced to the nearby population that he was “gagging for a wizz-wizz-woodle”, urinated in the only water supply, made ambiguous s*xual gestures towards any female who came within his path of rapidly deteriorating eyesight and then passed out under a tree hugging a scimitar. I removed the sword and apologised for his behaviour claiming dissentry and a diseased colon for the display they had just witnessed.
Secretly though I enjoyed every moment.
December 23rd, 2009
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