Silly Bint of the Month – Nigella Lawson
November 5th, 2007
It would be easy for me to sit here and dismiss Nigella Lawson asΓΒ the lemon-cooking, denim-jacket-wearing, sh*t-talking toff that she is and I think seeing as I’ve nothing better to do I shall.
Audrey is quite fanatical about her recipes. I have tasted the gubbins and the gubbins were good although I think it had more to do with Auds rather than the original chef. Nigella lives with her non-existant husband in what can only be described as the biggest house in Christendom. Her larder is bigger than our entire kitchen. her daily life consists of taking taxis to and from Sainsburys before going home, cooking for five minutes (it’s called ‘Nigella Express’ after all) and then spending the rest of the day sitting smugly in front of her laptop. Smug doesn’t even come close actually. She is unparalled in her smugness almost to the point where I’d rather eat tulips than check to see if her nipples are showing through whatever piece of fancy free she’s decided to cook in today.
Don’t you judge me!
Anyone who can say things like, “modestly bulging crescents” and, “glorious mounds” clearly needs a huge slap around the chops with the biggest loin in reach. Please, anyone within spitting distance, this would be gratefully appreciated.
Entry Filed under: Loins,Silly Bint of the Month
22 Comments
1. Chris | November 6th, 2007 at 00:22
She is indeed more smug than anything else on earth. When she dies, the international smugness level will fall by about 42%.
She’s also not a chef, she’s just a woman who cooks things. Well, I’m a man who cooks things, and I don’t get my own TV show. That’s because I’m not qualified. When she’s been away and has some certificates and shit like that to prove that she can cook, then she can come back and start telling other people what to do.
BUT ONLY IF SHE STOPS BEING SO GOD DAMN SMUG!
2. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | November 6th, 2007 at 09:09
That’s a fair point. I don’t see her with a restaurant like Jamie Oliver or Gordon Ramsey or that other one with the silly name and the white hair. She could be anything really! We could set up a camera in your (miniscule) kitchen down in London, put the ness on Youtube and pretend YOU’RE a TV chef. It’d be that simple.
In fact I think we should do it and one of the first things you make should be called ‘Marshall’s colesLAW’. Ah ah ah ah, do you get it? π
3. Chris | November 6th, 2007 at 17:23
Then I could follow it up with a Marshall tART!
4. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | November 6th, 2007 at 20:33
Excellent idea!
Then you could have a Marshall Shellfish Shunter Spundell… whatever that might be. I think chefs are allowed some artistic licence π
5. Kevil | November 7th, 2007 at 10:47
I agree with everything that has been said.
6. Kevil | November 7th, 2007 at 11:35
Oh and another thing.. Haven’t we aleardy drowned Nigella in a vat or boiling hot watery gravy?
I’m not sure i’d want to eat a Shellfish Shunter Spundell but if thats what the kids are down with these days, i’m sure it’ll sell well. Personally I’m working on the Hill Herby Homicide…
7. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | November 7th, 2007 at 13:23
I don’t remember but if we haven’t already we should schedule to do so. I think Marshall is the closest so he’ll have to do the darty deed *rubs his hands together*
The Marshall Shellfish Shunter Spundell is very tasty and I would reccommend to almost all of my piers, and maybe a few boardwalks too.
8. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | November 7th, 2007 at 13:24
I’m glad you agree π
Keep working on the Hill Herby Homicide too, sounds very ominously interesting
9. Kevil | November 8th, 2007 at 13:04
So far it involves Parsley, Sage, Rosmary, Tyme, and Dynamite… Yummy!
10. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | November 8th, 2007 at 13:29
Dynamite Yummy could be a new sweet. I think it could work, it definitely sounds *does the pose* marketable π
11. Chris | November 8th, 2007 at 19:54
I’m working on the Subversive Sorbet. I don’t know what’s in it yet, but it will definitely be a hot, savoury dish. SO SUBVERSIVE!
12. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | November 9th, 2007 at 10:27
You’re subverting the subversive there. I’m not sure what to make of that but it makes my loins ripple
13. Auds | November 9th, 2007 at 17:23
You still look at her nips, McIver.
But I’m flattered you think I can cook.
Haven’t poisoned you yet.
14. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | November 12th, 2007 at 20:36
I NEVER look at her nips. Even when they’re right there pointing out at me I am the perfect gentlemen; I turn my hat and squint with delight at the weather be it cold or clammy or even decadent.
15. Auds | November 13th, 2007 at 14:54
Ooh you little liar! You do so look at her nips – you even fantasize about that bloody awful denim jacket she wears – and I quote – “she wouldn’t be wearing it for long if I was around” phnarr, phnarr. Mental note to self – start putting bromide in Ian’s tea.
16. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | November 14th, 2007 at 00:58
You’re clearly all out to get me for some reason (I tidy your desk Audrey, what more do you want from me?!?!) and therefore I am merely going to say this…
I’m not a fish.
Ha, that spiked your drinks with flaccidity didn’t it?
17. Auds | November 14th, 2007 at 14:00
you are the only man I know who uses a setsquare to tidy up articles on my desk and also my coffee table at home. I am thinking of getting a mobile phone the exact size of the remote controls so that everything looks in order.
18. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | November 14th, 2007 at 17:58
It would help with the right angles that’s for sure, especially consider the second phone has no place on the set down thing and the grey remote is SO out of proportion with everything else.
It’s a nightmare, and one that requires to be kept under control each night π
19. Kevil | November 15th, 2007 at 12:38
OCD! OCD!
20. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | November 15th, 2007 at 13:16
It does sound a little like OCD, I do agree ,but here’s my money back guarantee!
Whilst I straighten and I tidy
Ensuring things aren’t far too widey
I keep in mind that I’m not weird
Just a fat bloke, like Britney Spears
This helps me to concentrate
(although try lining up dinner plates)
OCD, hell, that’s not me
Just a little idiosyncracy!
And there you have it. I feel like Tony Hart π wish I had a Morph as well. Boo to Chaz!
21. Chris | November 17th, 2007 at 00:40
I’m not sure if I have OCD. I don’t feel incredibly strong compulsions to do things. But I do really like the way my hands feel when I’ve washed them, so I wash them a lot.
Plus of course I do a DIRTY DIRTY job that means my hands must be cleaned with great regularity.
22. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | November 19th, 2007 at 08:36
I suppose you can argue then that rather than being OCD it’s, and I quote, you “like the way your hands feel when you’ve washed them.” I think that’s the point you were trying to get across.
Am I right?
Am I right?
Am I right? (if you say it three times it’s transcends through the atmosphere)