DO YOU REMEMBER THISSSSSSSSSSSSS?

 

 

9 comments December 28th, 2007

Mr Smudgey Exposes Himself

Hello, it is I, once again, sat on my loins in anticipation, waiting to tell the world once again how I am the most famous man on this planet at this very point in time. People ask me all the time if I ever get tired of being famous and to those people I say, “I don’t pay you to talk love I pay you to…” erm, fix my shower. Yes. That sounds like a good cover. Let’s take another walk down Smudgedy Lane (like Memory Lane but smudgified) and bask in my celebritism.

Point Number Three – being just out of show from Rembrandt’s famous painting ‘The Night Watch’.

 

I was having a shave in Doncy McGlagin’s Hair Emporium when the lads started shouting for us to come outside. I thought they were just gonna pour rancid tomatoes over my head like they did last year. It turns out there was some painter guy who happened to be passing and decided to do a picture. Clearly because I’m the most famous they wanted me in it but the temptation of having a huge knife removing tiny hairs from my face was too much and I had to pass. You can see Mick and John on the left pointing at me as they can just about make out my silouette in one of the nearby streetlamps. Colin at the front is trying to make the point that they should wait for me however nobody is listening. You can also just about make out Crumbalina who’s hiding behind Mick in the red on the left as she’s remembered she hasn’t paid back the three shillings I leant her to buy her house.

And I never got it back. You try and buy a house with that now I tell you. That makes a total of three now. I’ll be catching, taming and ramping that dragon of success before you can tell me that I’m ramping a dragon and I shouldn’t be because they have short tempers.

15 comments December 28th, 2007

The Saint King’s Christmas Message

Even though I, the Saint King, king of all the saints and all their saintly behaviour, have been banished from ‘da beans’ during the lockdown from the previous day I managed to sneak in and leave this videotaped message. This will continually play over and over again until someone locates the VCR hidden somewhere in this building.

Christmas is a time of destruction and devestation. What better way to fill your trousers than by investing in the new Saint King game? Available on all three formats of Amstrad, BBC Micro as well as Spectrum, the Saint King game has been described as ‘The Best Game Ever… to be released in the year 2007 that looks as though it should have been released 25 years ago’. Play all your favourite characters: Saint Abbo of Fleury, Saint Hugh of Lincoln, Saint John of Shanghai and San Fransisco and of course the big man himself. Give into temptation. Join the revolution. Play the game.

Tired with your usual hand cream? Bored with the lack of any imagination? Then let Saint Monica of Hippo lead you into the light. “Hand cream has been overlooked for far too long. With the Saint King’s, king of us saints and all our saintly behavious, new hand cream you will feel a million seal pups licking your fingers. It is a cream beyond creamy, so much so that a new word has been invented by the scientists who gave up their time to create such a product. This hand cream is smoothocreamarific. Available in all major shops now, but probably not until they open again as this is Christmas Eve. Get online and have delivered to your door personally by one of the saints themselves. KNOCK KNOCK. Oh, do I hear the sweet knock of Paulina of the Agonizing Heart of Jesus at my door?”

Lead. Lead sandwich… eat lead sandwiches… something chronic in your… when the animals came to me I was only a foot high… and then the snow storm blew my… in the middle of the night…

Even though I, the Saint King, king of all the saints and all their saintly behaviour, have been banished from ‘da beans’ during the lockdown from the previous day I managed to sneak in and leave this videotaped message…

9 comments December 24th, 2007

Tasty Hasty Paste – a novel idea

Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrows geniuses (using song)

Who are you? 

Elementary Westinghouse

What’s the Idea?

You know how it is. Decorating the spare room, putting up that wallpaper takes so long that you’re left starving hungry before you’re even nearly finished. Tasty Hasty Paste solves that problem.

What is it?

It’s a new formulation of wallpaper paste that lets you get the paper up in record time. It’s also edible, so if you remember to take a spoon in there with you along with the other wallpapering paraphernalia, you can just have a couple of mouthfuls of nutritious paste to keep you going. It’s also the only household adhesive that’s suitable for spreading on toast or muffins. (But not bagels – that’s highly dangerous.)

What does it do?

Tasty Hasty Paste is produced from a specially bred variety of Chronographic Beef. The time-altering properties of this type of meat cause time to appear faster to the paste than it does to the rest of the world. It’s an example of relative time dilation causality that is found in many common bovines. Because it’s made of beef it also has a warm aroma of hot Bovril that will fill any room decorated with it. And who could argue with that?

So what are you gonna do about it?

Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)

19 comments December 23rd, 2007

Am sco bored am watching Parkinson

his very last interview show, and Jamie Cullum was on who is a slimy little shit who sings rubbish jazz, however I was immediately struck by his remarkable resemblance to one Mr Peter Doherty, who is ………. anyway, I think they were separated at birth, twins like, only their mother can tell them apart.  And Michael Caine was on, and they showed a clip of him 34 years ago, and he bore a remarkable resemblance to Jude Law, so I therefore concur that he must be Jude Law’s love-father.

31 comments December 19th, 2007

Chicken envelopes – a novel idea (retro, again)

Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrows geniuses (using song)

Who are you? 

Spice Cranford

What’s the Idea?

Chicken envelopes, we’ll beat the post office at their own game!

What is it?

Despite the dodgy-sounding name it is merely stationary, first envelopes and perhaps moving onto paper and greeting cards, that is made from chickens. Mainly the meat however there is the possibility of using the other less edible parts I suppose.

What does it do?

When you get a lovely breast of roast chicken and you first peel the skin back it looks like a blank canvas, like there should be something perhaps written there and there isn’t. We’re all being constantly disappointed. I say take that breast, carve it into an envelope shape and send something through the post be it romantic letter or birthday present it doesn’t matter. Plus when it arrives at the receipants address it’ll smell and probably taste of chicken; that’s never a bad thing in my eyes.

So what are you gonna do about it?

Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)

8 comments December 19th, 2007

Ian’s S*x P*rn Dalek Marshall Dream

(it’s not as interesting as it sounds, but it’s as weird as the Rachel Stevens dream)

So I’m walking past Glebelands field during the daytime (even though I live a hundred miles away now) and I noticed a Dalek running across the grass. Curious and when I look a bit closer I can see that he is putting up a huge tent. When this has reached full peak I go inside the tent and notice that the Daleks are selling porn; not Dalek porn but actual human porn. I browse briefly but realise I’m getting those looks from the ones behind the counter, sort of, “buy it or put it down idiot”, so I leave quickly before any tongues start a-wagging.

Later on I’m at me mam’s house and I hear a knock on the door. I open it and right at the end of the path I see an envelope leaning against the gate. This isn’t enough to interest me so I close the door, only to hear another knock. Upon opening it a second time the envelope has gone but I can see Marshall’s head sticking out from the wall to my left. This still isn’t enough to interest me so I close the door and hear a third knock. All that’s left is a small plastic box with a present inside and a futuristic device of holding information. I can’t remember what it looked like but I put the film on and it was sort of a video diary from Marshall about how he chose his Christmas presents and wrote his cards out… but in the style of ‘The Wonder Years’ where you hear his thoughts rather than speaking.

Then I woke up and there was a text from Marshall waiting on my phone. That put the sh*ts up me I can tell you.

47 comments December 17th, 2007

Picture Compemetition

Hello Boys and girls, I have a challenge for you…

I inexplicably and for no reason made this picture this morning at work:

Now I know you’re thinking that that is the best damned thing you’ve seen for ages, but you’d be wrong, clearly. So there.

What I would like you eager pups out there to do is to take this image, and do something with it, add to it, scribble on it, whatever you like. All completed entries should be emailled to me via compemetition@kevil.co.uk by pm Friday, and i’ll put them all in a handy, snack-sized, gallery for you all to enjoy. There may even be a prize!
For the full size file, click here for the jpg, and here for the full png file (6Mb).

Now get cracking!

22 comments December 12th, 2007

Book (Beyatch Book) Beyatch

I have now completed scanning of all of the book, and it now exists as a set of colour image files on my hard disk and also inside my brain. It can be seen as a PDF or as a clever Flash thing that lets you click through the images. It can also be seen as slightly questionable behaviour for three grown men.

But before anything can be done – anything at all – we need the glorious Mr. Kev to somehow make these items appear upon this website so they can be viewed with our eyes, minds and hearts.

Glorious Mr. Kev, lead on! We are your tragic minions!

17 comments December 9th, 2007

Silly Bint of the Month – Jack Penate

I hate him. At least with Kirsten Dunst and Nigella Lawson there was a slight intoxicating whiff of some sort of appreciation in there (for ‘Eternal Sunshine’ and her nips respectively) but he’s got no redeeming features. His last single involved him running in the video and, surprise surprise, his new ones has a bit of running too. People who have simple rhymes like ‘stupid’ and ‘cupid’ and ‘devotion’ and ‘potion’ just make my skin crawl. It’s up there with James Blunt-style cringiness.

Plus the way he sings is down with Kate Nash as irritating beyond belief. “Let’s over pronounce everything because we’re from darn sarth and we need to show it!” Fat chance. Just another artist championed by idiots like NME who are desperate for another singer songwriter to try and write about our generation when really all he comes across as is being a bit of a d*ck.

“She never wanted me…” do you blame her, mate?

75 comments December 6th, 2007