Archive for January, 2009
I need some clarification, some closure and some clothes to cover this naked level of understanding that me, a common beatnik, cannot get my head round.
Last week when I took the boy to school I almost arrived at the bus stop but was greeted by a curious sight. Sat on the corner by the pub was a golf ball. A golf ball that had two turds curled around it. Now I have three questions:
1. Do dogs play golf?
2. Would that be classed as modern art?
And the biggest one of all:
3. Is it marketable?
January 26th, 2009
It’s the burning question of the day. I think we all want to know whether Kev is famous and, if so, how long has he been famous in secret? We should be told.
The secret got out yesterday when I saw this.
So, Mr Hill – what the hell are you doing with an hour-long show on E4?
January 24th, 2009
And I thought drinking high levels of coffee and Redbull was a bad idea. This really takes every biscuit ever. In what can only be described as an act of stupidity I decided to buy one of those keyfinders that when you whistle beeps so you can find your keys. It’s a reasonable purchase, and it was for only £1.50 or so on Ebay. The thing though is that the little sh*tstain is so sensitive that you can do other things to set it off, some completely unintentional. So far I have discovered that the following makes it beep:
1. Turning on a tap
2. Audrey laughing
3. Reuben laughing
4. Reuben talking
5. Opening a drawer
6. The Bee Gees (from the next f*cking room!)
7. Coughing
8. Sneezing
Any sane person could take a few days or so of this but I shoved it in my drawer and every so often without wanting it to it would beep. I was therefore forced to accidentally hurl it down the stairs and watch it break into four separate pieces. Then I was forced (I really was) to stand on it and smash it into many more pieces to prevent the evil from ever escaping.
Oh and if anyone wants one I have a spare…
January 23rd, 2009
Today I need to buy a number of items. I will list these items here and tell you how I progress through the purchasing stage and whether I am unable to source any of these articles.
- A diary. This is required so that I can ensconce within it the dates and times on which working is necessitated by my employers and overlords, and also the dates and times on which I am due to socialise with other humans in a non-workplace context.
- A VGA cable. This handsome combination of wires, plastic sheaths and precision-moulded terminal plug fixtures will permit the connection of a laptop video output to a television video input channel, permitting the screening of internet videos on a TV screen that could justifiably be described as “mackin'”.
- A book. The book I select will be carefully chosen to permit the optimum enwritement of random tat and the endrawage of senseless doodlings. It is of great importance that it has nice clean white pages, unless I find another style of page which sweeps me up in its strong arms and causes me to take leave of my senses.
- Jeans. I don’t think I have any chance of getting these in my lunch break but I need some so I’m putting it in the list anyway. They are designed to keep my legs warm and out of sight in a range of social situations, from the workplace to home-bound slobbing.
This completes my list of items to purchase with funds in my bank account. Good day.
January 8th, 2009
So… we’ve got a whole 2009 to shake a stick at. Are we going to waste it? No. Are we going to sit at the side and watch it walk past, with a show of puppies and attractive ladies, throwing candy at street tramps? No, but that would be worth watching.
I say 2009 is when we burn back baby! I think we should undertake a project for the site. Any ideas?
January 5th, 2009
