Archive for April, 2010
It has recently come to my attention that a lot of people like muffins.
Now I’m quite open-minded about a lot of things but let’s face it people, a muffin is a cake. You can’t take one thing and just give it another name because it sounds swanky. I’m bored with the tired argument of ‘Is a Jaffa cake a biscuit or a cake?’ because it is taking the attention away from the ones who need sorting out. Muffins are first on the list. Unless anyone would like to speak in favour of muffins I vote that we stamp them out as quickly as possible and replace them with the name Breakfast Cakes. Who’s with me?
April 29th, 2010
On Wednesday this week, I visited the place where Kev Head works and toured the extensive and boring facilities. In my time there I completed three major tasks:
- Getting a little badge with my name on it
- Eating fajitas in the charming rustic canteen
- Inspecting Kev’s work environment and desk
In performing my post-fajita inspection of his desk I proceeded to wrap a bottle of correction fluid in blue insulating tape, and remove it from the premises secreted about my person. It is now in my posession.
Stolen item (and other miscellaneous items)
This marks the end of my crime spree. Bwa.
April 25th, 2010
There has been a rise of a brand new phenomena in the United Kingdom whereby politeness has reached a fresh level of stupidity. There is an increasing number of both men and women who experience what can only be described as a Shy Heart Attack. Upon discovering they are having a heart attack they then decide not to tell anyone and proceed as though nothing is wrong. If they are questioned about it they are more likely to shrug it off and carry on eating their salad rather than make a fuss.
Linda Apples is one of these people. “I knew what was happening and even though my first instinct was to scream out in pain and shout for a doctor there was a part of me that couldn’t do it. I didn’t want all those people in the cafe staring at me so I chose to sit at my table, finish my profiteroles and then quietly take the bus to the hospital.”
The British public have always been known for their high level of stiff upper lip but this has got both government watchdogs and members of the medical profession completely baffled. “Fair enough don’t cause a scene if your dog has pooped in your tea, ” said Dr. Miles Guhungus, “but if your heart has stopped working properly for the love of God do something! What if the last thing you did with your life was to walk in an awkward fashion in the direction of your local surgery with a forced smile on your face?”
More and more people are succumbing to it. In the first quarter of the year a total of nine men and seven women encountered Shy Heart Attacks, with a possible three others to follow by June. Various reasons have been listed for doing such a thing including, “I didn’t want the restaurant owner to think I hated his salmon fillets so I stayed to eat the whole thing,” and, “Jimmy hates it when I cry. He said all the other dads thought I was a wuss so I sucked it in and finished that triathlon.”
April 24th, 2010
Here be a rough draft of a song that is speechmarks in the mix close speechmarks. It’s based on a well-loved character from my past whose very name can make your heart sing.
He stood three storeys high
With a wizened look in his eye
All the while that cheeky smile
At everyone passing by
He’s one for every occasion
Morning, noon and night
Have you heard his name?
Of course I think you might.
Chorus
Colossal and robust, a character of trust
Jimmy Titan, Jimmy Titan
No-one heartier than Jimmy Titan
Be wary of his powers deceptive as they are
They pack the molten punch of a massive exploding star
His hairs not near but he still looks a treat
And you’ll find him in the bar
He’s one for every occasion
Birthdays, weddings, weekends
Have you heard his name?
Of course you have dear friends
Chorus x 2
If you need manly chats, he’s for a spin
If you need a manly hug he’ll squeeze you thin
If you need entertainment for your sister’s new boyfriend’s best friend’s pool party because the party CD got scratched and your I-pod is on the blink and someone is desperately searching for their Simply Red LPs… why not?
Chorus x 2
(I. McIver / Papples Music Empire)
April 15th, 2010
Okay, so I had some oranges before I went to bed last night. I can only presume this is why I had such strange dreams. It was as follows:
“I was back in Garforth and I was on my way to see alt-Americana heroes My Morning Jacket who were playing up towards Castleford. Instead of getting a lift or catching the bus I jumped on a lorry which was going in the same direction, and who should be driving the lorry but Josh Homme and the rest of the Queens of the Stone Age. I hid at the back, not wanting to get in the way, and when we eventually got to the venue through what seemed like acres and acres of winding roads I immediately ran up to Mr Homme and asked if I could buy a vinyl copy of their last album ‘Era Vulgaris’. What he was clutching, however, was a vinyl copy of their second album pressed between three other records I couldn’t make out. He told me that he was saving this for someone else and disappeared inside.
The venue must have been a barn or something, albeit one with a tiny stage at the front and a small bar with merchandise at the back. I asked if they had any copies of ‘Era Vulgaris’ but unfortunately they did not. I then realised I had lost my ticket but as I was already inside didn’t worry about that fact too much. Noel Fielding was there. I asked to buy a small Dime bar to use as a comedy moustache and after much badgering the brunette behind the bar agreed to sell this to me because she was tired of my conversation.”
Then I woke up. I can understand about the Dime Bar but not much else. Both of you have degrees in Dreamology; what does it mean?
April 6th, 2010
