Archive for May, 2010
Those have heard, down our way
Of a certain story that does tell
Of a certain character, small and thin
That reeks of compost, farts and gin
Eyes of wonder, teeth that grin
That be him, that Fumblegin
For a long time animals went missing
After dark, when the owls did hoot
At first it was believed to be fancy cats (oooo!)
Or hustling mice or chunky rats
Except that none of these exist
So to avoid humiliation, they took a risk
Set a trap and what did they catch?
Not a cat or a rat or a Bandersnatch
But a wee small man with a tache so trim
That was him, that Fumblegin
Despite trying for at least a day
He managed to escape just after lunch
Not that he really did much to disguise
Where he lived, you just followed the pies
Down the street and around the bend
Right to the very end
There he sits, belly on top
Stinking like a rancid mop
It’d take three lifetimes to recount his sin
You know him, that’s Fumblegin
May 26th, 2010
You know me I’m as American as apple pie along with being the best thing since sliced bread but right now I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want to cover old ground however you must know that what I’m going to say will probably make you less fresh as a daisy and more dry as a bone. Let’s go with the flow, let’s take some time to smell the roses. I mean a tree doesn’t move unless there is wind and we’ll certainly cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now I’m a fish out of water. I feel like a rose is a rose is a rose. Play a harp before a cow and put that in your pipe and smoke it. Once in a blue moon I’m alright but I’m no spring chicken and I wouldn’t say that again for all the tea in China.
Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.
May 19th, 2010
Increasing pressure has today been inflicted upon the world by a large group of Americans obsessed with the motion picture ‘Back To The Future II’. They are stating that, with less than five years before we reach the year 2015, they are very disappointed with the lack of progress in the fields of science that were implied in the film.
“It’s awful,” says hasbeen wunderkinder Lars Inuit who is the spokesperson for the group Get Back To The Future, “We’ve no hover cars, no hover boards. Last week I went into a diner and there wasn’t a monitor with Ronald Regan on it telling me what the day’s specials were. I don’t really think there is enough time for the technology to reach this level anymore. What are we supposed to do?”
With not really having anyone from the world to speak on behalf of the world the United Nations decided to balance a donkey on a beachball for seven minutes as a direct response to the claims from the group. When the donkey only managed thirty seconds it was rushed away into a back room and replaced with a cardboard cut out.
We asked Kevin Hill Science Master, leader in the field of tasting his own mouth, about the news. “I’ve seen the film but it’s never had an effect on me. I mean what’s the point in finding out what is happening in a few years time when we’ve only just reached the point where we can taste our own mouths? We need to focus and stick to the basics.”
A similar group appeared towards the end of the twentieth century when fans on the cult television series ‘Space 1999’ were appauled that the citizens of planet earth were not living on the moon and travelling around in shoddy trains.
May 12th, 2010
It was late on the Thursday of the 6th May. I had just returned home with my small counterpart and pushed some nutrients into my face when I discovered a strange card lying on my bed. It appeared to have some writing and possibly some diagrams, both of which were illegible. In order to carry on with my evening I placed them to one side.
Imagine my surprise then when a further nine arrived on my doorstep the next day. Each contained a number and again further words and pictures that seemed to be describing some event or events to which I had not been part of. I hadn’t a clue where to start even after referring them to one of the younger generation who seemed to relish the indescribable and the incoherant.
Then came Saturday and further shocks. Two more cards were left hanging from my postbox. I now appeared to have a full set of something. Several evenings have passed by since then and I am determined to discover the fiend or fiends who are toying with my mind. Any fresh evidence will follow.
May 10th, 2010
Today I have been spending a lot of my time catching with 80’s singer, musician and apparently model Yazz.
We are all aware that Yazz is known best for her 1988 number one single ‘The Only Way Is Up’ but what followed the success of this breakthrough? Not at lot as it seems. Despite three other successful singles from the same album it would appear that the only way was down. The next releases were few and far between and the world appeared to forget about Yazz. Even a cover of ‘How Long’ with Aswad wasn’t enough to get the general public panting like puppies.
What does Yazz do now you ask? According to Wikipedia she has found faith, is an active member of the Calahonda Baptist Church and lives in Spain. It would appear that she is and has been married to husband Jazz Summers. Yazz and Jazz are rarely seen in public but it might be due to the fact that criminally nobody is looking for them.
I, personally, am gutted that the United Kingdom missed out on the French only release Yazz Megamix back in 1990 and that back in September 2009 when ‘The Only Way Is Up’ was re-released I didn’t know. I will leave you with this information. Go forth and spread some.
Look at ME and be inspired.
May 6th, 2010
Time is of the essence.
I have decided to take one of my more obscure business ventures and actually make it happen. Having visited a local bank I have managed to secure a small loan in order to get us up and running. I won’t go into too many details because there are rivals constantly watching me, trying to steal my ideas. Know this though: if they strike me down I will become more powerful than they could ever imagine…
Nah I’ll just do it now. I am going to open two shops: one selling eagles and one as an opticians with a twist in the centre of town. After people constantly mishearing what I am saying on the phone at work it was inevitable. The eagles we sell will be the best. The opticians will all be dressed as birds. This time next year Optimum Eagles and Opticle Seagulls will be raking the money in.
You may offer to buy shares now.
May 5th, 2010