It is 01:06 on sunday, and it is therefore late/early and I am tired. I am going to bed now, whereupon I will sleep until I no longer need to sleep, and then I will wake up. When I have woken up, all manner of other things may or may not occur. End
13 comments June 27th, 2010
The 2010 State of the Beans Address
Delivered by Dr. Humphrey Bumfrey M.D.
Settle down, everyone, settle down. Thank you.
It is a great honour to be invited back here to Da Beans for another time, and to be asked to deliver my analysis of the current state of this fine web institution. Being a scientist with all sorts of clever gadgets and fancy equations out of books and that, I am incredibly clever, much more so than any of you, and therefore you have to listen to me and think I’m great.
First to the trends in posting volumes here on Da Beans.
After a steady, level second half of 2009, figures become erratic around the New Year 2010 period. This is down to a number of factors.
I have rubbed my stethoscope on Da Beans and given it some calpol, and I am pleased to say it has made a full recovery. Posting volumes are now back at normal pre-blowout levels and, as you can see from this graph, this is unlikely to be a temporary result.
Next we turn to comment levels and quality.
It has been observed that there were “good old days” on Da Beans when posts were excellent and comments were both humourful and numberous. These things tend to change upwardly as well as downbound, but in general there are comments being made today that are as good, wholesome and nutritious as anything posted in 2006. It is easy to see the past through lead-lined glasses.
Finally, I will leave you with a note of optimism for the future. I believe Da Beans has a bright future ahead of it, partly for the reasons outlined above, but mostly because Saint King has been told where to stick it.
Goodnight.
14 comments June 23rd, 2010
And on that day, nobody bought
The brioche, always an afterthought
The brioche, always an afterthought
9 comments June 22nd, 2010
It would be far too easy to plump this feature up with the whole of the England squad or something like that (France possibly?) but quite frankly I’m not one to jump on any bandwagons, unless they’re playing the sweetest songs through the tinniest horns.
Sarah Jessica Parker is up in front and running since another astonishing smug and awful film version of SATC came out at the cinema. Gone is the ravishing young lovely who graced the screens with Steve Martin in LA Story and Nicolas Cage in Honeymoon in Vegas replaced by the sands of time with what was described as a “transvestite donkey witch” by a close friend. Fair enough, both of those films were almost twenty years gone but what has she done since then? Apart from Mars Attacks! not a lot.
Do you like awful romantic comedys? Lucky, as Parker has them in spades. Shall we go for the excrutiating ‘Failure to Launch’, the devestatingly bad ‘Did You Hear About the Morgans?’ or my personal favourite ‘Dudley Do-Right’?There’s a film that’s at the top of my wish list. Yep, right up there. I hope you’re all listening as I’m expecting a copy for Christmas.
If SATC was actually funny, actually entertaining and actually smart then I’m sure everyone would want to go and see it, not just women. But as the collective IQ of the creators of the series seems to have dropped off the scale there’s no point. You may as well stick your face in a fan. I wonder if there will be many people from the internet finding this and rushing to defend Miss Parker.
I welcome the challenge 🙂
10 comments June 21st, 2010
After recently re-discovering the utterly discusting and quite frankly disturbing picture of the smug Will Young alike who was beaming out smuggish vibes from the front of that Specsavers windows I thought that surely since then other smuggers, as they have been tagged as, would have come to the surface to rival Kev.
As it happens on my travels not many have come up, that is until I was greeted with the poster for the new film ‘Letters To Juliet’, yet another dreary wander into romantic comedy with some American in somewhere in Europe. Whilst the woman may take a few smug points it is the grinning goblin to her right which takes centre stage. Chris Egan, who I have investigated and has quite a sincere face normally, manages to out-smug the rest of the world only using three quarters of his face which is an amazing achievement.
Unfortunately I couldn’t locate a copy of that picture and so sought a semi-smug replacement:
10 comments June 14th, 2010
Following on from the highly amusing and disturbing list put forward by Mr Head confirming what type of individuals are visiting our site when we are looking the other way, I think it would be nice if we added some random words, phrases and other things that would attract more and more, hmmm, like weirdoes but in a nice way. Like a nice us sort of way.
In any case I’m going to do it and would encourage you both to do the same thing as well. Are you in? Deploy:
Furthermore I would like to add gesticulating, ponyfying and Chaka Demus!
16 comments June 7th, 2010
Mr Kevin Hill would like to subtly draw your attention to the following…
Continue Reading 10 comments June 3rd, 2010
Yes! It’s Here! You didn’t ask for it once and yet here it is… The 2010 lst of how people find our empire of wonderment!
thisisalinkyoucanclickonwithyourmouseusingyourfinger
Personally I’m disappointed to see “Jam Pandas” slip off the list, but that seems more than compensated by the emergence of “gooooooons”, “epic whiz” and “pebbles sale”.
I’m sure you’ll all agree… We are an epic success.
6 comments June 3rd, 2010
I appear to be in someone else’s flat at first because I don’t recognise the kitchen but as it happens it’s my kitchen only a little different.
I think I’m trying to eat breakfast. There’s just me and the two people I’m sharing the flat with. One of them takes my twelve inch vinyl of Minus the Bear’s ‘Acoustics’ EP and starts to rip open not only the plastic still covering the record but also the cardboard sleeve itself. I scream into my shredded wheat, “What are you doing?!? There’s only five thousand of them in the entire world!”
The person tearing apart from precious vinyl shrugs and throws it on the counter. He then wanders off. I pine for this mess lying in front of me before I get a tap on the shoulder. The guy hands me thirty pounds in five pound notes and wanders off eating a Nutrigrain bar.
When I look further inside the cardboard sleeve I realise the record is in fact only a seven inch and right at the bottom, squeezed in at the bottom, is a mug and a blue t-shirt / jumper with a strange logo on.
What on earth does any of that mean?
3 comments June 3rd, 2010
Having produced, written, directed and undertaken a recent survey I am pleased to show you the conclusive results. Here, ladies and gentlemen, is the official line of power which proves out of all the powers that Nutrient Power is the strongest:
# A * @ B C
–!—|—!——————–!—–|——————————|——
A – Dragonforce Power # – People Power
B – Charm Power * – Cornpop Power
C – Nutrient Power @ – Wispa Power (unofficial)
(Kindly note that despite several months of testing we are still unsure as to where Sportsman Power belongs).
14 comments June 2nd, 2010