Archive for November, 2010
I have obtained a reputation of sorts, a name amongst my kin,
For smashing faces, breaking chairs and gouging gallons of gin.
Everyone was shocked at first due to the severity of my condition
But none could fault my ballsiness, nor pick at my ambition.
The taste was pleasant and rich, a tapestry of flavours
That challenged my ability to walk and pissed of all the neighbours,
Especially when they caught me urinating on their flowers in-between receiving sexual favours.
They look at me though as a pioneer, a pilgrim in the rushes,
Would they themselves spend an hour furiously vomiting in the bushes?
No, not they. Too clean for them. I’d figure that they’d rather
Entertain a spot of family then play bridge with mumsie and father.
I was told I’d went too far one night, waking in a pool of grime
With a donkey, a goose, three pipes, one wrench, an onion and a lime.
Instead of taking to the baths I did a little skip,
Downed another shot of gin then skidded on my sick.
I don’t think I’ll ever stop though. I’ve grown accustomed to this way,
It’s only others who believe it’s full of anguish and dismay.
Many scream and shout at me, many do implore,
“I thought you weren’t going mad but now I’m not so sure.”
November 24th, 2010
The world has been left reeling after reports that a woman from Montreal in Canada has written, recorded and sung the greatest song ever.
The woman, Candice Eely, has not come forward yet with these claims; it is her husband Dennis who is lavishing her with all the attention. Mr Eely apparenting ran to the top of the church tower in their village and shouted at the top of his voice, “MY WIFE HAS JUST WRITTEN THE GREATEST SONG EVER!” to which this was immediately responded to with, “what, better than Livin’ On A Prayer by Bon Jovi?”
Nobody other than Mr Eely has actually heard this song so far, so how can anyone claim that it is the world’s greatest song? Reputed lover of music and all round innovator Markle Funkter gave his opinion:
“I am in no doubt as to the validity of these claims. I have met this woman on numerous occasions and her ability to write beautiful melodies and superb lyrics is unquestionable. Well, apart that song she wrote about dirty sinks. That wasn’t so good. “Oh! We’ll clean clean clean the sink, don’cha think? Rack up those cups, knock out some suds, you know exactly what I meeeeeean!” I think Christina Aguilera did a cover on her last album.”
Mrs Eely has reportedly signed a multi-million dollar contract with Whack-Away Records to have the song released before Christmas. With only five weeks left though they will have to get a wriggle on. Many expect it to be delayed due to the adverse weather conditions due shortly.
November 22nd, 2010
Times have been hard for Tasmin Archer. It’s not easy having an international hit single, being labelled a one hit wonder and then struggling to come up with a follow-up.
The year is 1992. Sleeping Satellite (you know the one, “don’t blame you for the moonlit night and I wonder why, when the eagles fly” etc) slams into the top spot of the UK and Irish charts eventually being forced off by supreme lords of the smooth soulful chug-a-long Boyz II Men. Some other songs followed but they could never quite reach the heights previously set.
Four years after her debut album a second album followed and I’m sure it had its high points however there was something missing and it failed to carry on the success of the previous.
Apparently Tasmin Archer has a season ticket for Sunderland AFC. Well what else would you do in between recording sessions? Eat a pear? Neck a pint of red bull? Furthermore she is actually from West Yorkshire, born in Bradford. How’d you like them apples?
What is quite amazing is that despite only having three studio albums to her name she has three compilation albums. I thought that All Saints having a greatest hits after only two albums was odd, but this? Quite unheard of I must say. She does have a good set of pipes so it can’t be the pipes. Then again unless you’re struggling to decide whether you’re a man or a woman whilst simultaneously re-releasing your album ever five seconds, or filming videos songs with overly gratutious sexual images with whipped cream and jelly tots you unfortunately won’t get very far.
Shame. Toot on Tasmin, toot on!
November 16th, 2010
“There’s always something slightly disturbing about eating teeth” – DG
“It makes you look as though you have a massive overjaw” – SD
“She got the same with… I was gonna say Russian Roulette… with horseradish sauce” – DG
“If he hasn’t sewn around the area correctly then there will be an allowance of seepage” – HR
“Eee, you had a baby on Christmas Day? When did you find time to fit your dinner in?” SD
“Bananas are full of potassium. People who aren’t allowed potassium aren’t allowed to eat bananas” HR
“I like sitting in the house with the curtains closed” DG
“What’s soft porn?” SD
November 10th, 2010
Hello
You know me, I’m the biggest most selfish bastard you’ve ever come across but recently I’ve decided that perhaps that isn’t the best way to be. I mean pushing over old ladies and pissing in bins is as polite as I get, why change the habit of a lifetime? Well, bad karma for one.
So in order to stand up like a man and pretend to be one for thirty days I am cultivating a little weasel’s foot underneath my nose, a smush of a badger’s snout if you will, a veritable treasure trove of hair-ical eccentricities on my top lip. A moustache if you will.
Do I look like an idiot? Of course. Do I resent myself when I look in a mirror? Yeah but so what else is new? Any help, any money, any sarcasm you can donate to my worthy cause would be gratefully received.
http://uk.movember.com/donate/your-details/member_id/867182/
SPONSOR MY FACE!
November 8th, 2010
Pick up something on your desk and look at it. Now, look a little bit closer. What can you see?
Scientists up until recently believed that things were made up of smaller things. These things were known as atoms or adams to those who couldn’t say the word properly however in a groundbreaking set of experiments evidence has come forward to disprove much of this. It would appear that things are not made up of atoms but something else called tumps.
Tumps make up everything in this world and possibly the next. Everything from the clothes you are wearing to the coffee in your mug and the itch in your crotch. Tumps make the world go round, possibly even moreso than flans and tarts. How do we know this? Professor Reuben of the Chop University of Tyneside concluded that, “things are things and these things have tumps.” You can’t say fairer than that.
So next time you’re kicking a dove or handing bleach to a tramp give a smile and a wink to tumps.
November 3rd, 2010