Archive for May, 2011
It is the end.
I have been with someone for what seems like a lifetime and was littered with so many happy moments that it is hard to know how to feel right about now. On the one hand I am happy for them to leave this existence, to fly to another world and seek happiness wherever they may find it, however I too am crippled with despair and depression at the prospect of being alone. It’s the multitude of feelings that are best conveyed in poetry but we all don’t have time for that.
I have being associated with the shirt known as “Minty-Fresh” for at least three or four years which is practically my entire stint from the North East. It has been on heavy rotation each week serving my shirt needs for Monday and Wednesday; the shining light when compared with its darker brother (who still doesn’t have a name). I have sweated my fullest, have walked through countless streets and eaten a variety of awful, awful lunches when housed in Minty-Fresh. I have seen sunrises and sunsets, the skies cracked open like the devil’s trousers, the soft snow on my cheek.
That all has to end now.
Unfortunately because Minty-Fresh smells so badly, and because I didn’t get a chance to give him a once-over with the Febreeze, he is still hanging at home during his last week as a shirt. Nonetheless he will return stronger than ever before I tear him up into strips and use him as dusters.
Be strong, sir, be strong.
May 31st, 2011
Are you the kind of person who doesn’t like confrontation and does everything they can to avoid it? Do you think of people as annoying and then not tell them to their face when really you should be screaming it into their see holes? Do you want something to push you over the edge and into the realm of ‘ARGH’? Then I think we have the product for you.
Presenting Can Angst!
Can Angst contains ten years of pure anger gathered from frustrated artists, moody teenagers and other sullen demographics. If you want to shout at little Timmy for not putting his skateboard away then Can Angst can be there for you. Just slide open the top and sniff the wonders inside. The warm smells of rage will filter into your nostrils and turn you from Betty Blue into Batty Bastard. You will tear through your kitchen with all the subtleness of the Incredible Hulk looking for a crapper.
Top scientists recommend it.
Seriously.
Would we lie to you?
When everyone else has deserted you Can Angst will still be there with a sympathetic shoulder for your to rest your stressed and veiny head on. Bring on the first day of the rest of your life. Bring on… CAN ANGST!
May 25th, 2011
By Oily Buns aka Oliver Bunsford
I suppose it was only a matter of time before my knowledge and expertise in this field was required by the rest of the world. It is not the kind of thing you can keep to yourself, especially when you know it will help so many others. So yes, I’m throwing the gauntlet down and showing my shiny parts. I am giving up my valuable time to point you in the right direction. I’ve also lost quite a lot of business since “real” and “funny” comedians started appearing again, and those articles about the train sodomy didn’t help.
How many people have wives? Exactly. Tons. How many people know what to do with wives? Exactly. Tons. Some however don’t have the faintest idea of what to do once the veil is up. They get a frightened look on their face and soil themselves in the reception room. Luckily I’ve been practising polygomy for the best part of two decades; for no particular reason, I get a bit fussy sometimes, I like a bit of change. Being on the road so much you pick things up here and there, mainly there, and there as well.
You can break wives into five main groups: annoying, naggy, pointy, nymph and polar bear. I seem to favour the last two, no idea why. We will run through all of them at some point.
I only hope that with my help you can achieve the same level of bliss that I, my eleven wives, and twenty-seven children have.
May 24th, 2011
May 23rd, 2011
Reports are flooding in from the North-East of England of a man going around the area and offering his services for what are mostly services and jobs which are way too difficult.
The first report came from members of the public at the Theatre Royal in Newcastle upon Tyne, which is currently being modernised and updated. “I was stood taking pictures of Greys Monument when I noticed that there was a man climbing up the scaffolding at the side of the Theatre Royal,” said Keith Arborium, local photographer and all round nosey parker, “He eventually got to the top, strode over to the foreman and said, “Leave it to me, I’ve got this!” Quite what he thought he was able to do nobody could be sure. He picked up some pipes, struggled to know what to do with them, gently dropped them on the floor and raced off down the hill.”
It didn’t stop there.
“It was in the afternoon and we were quite busy for a Thursday when this guy just pushed his way in front of me, grabbed the scissors and said, “Leave it to me, I’ve got this,” wailed Mavis Davis, hairdresser to the stars, “He then proceeded to attempt to cut this poor woman’s hair only to cut most of the length, stared into the mirror at the disastrous results, smiled like a simpleton before running away down the hill.”
Police are baffled as to why this man would be putting himself into these situations when he clearly does not have the mad skills or expertise to carry them off. Concerns were raised as to the safety of the general public however since the initial reports arrived the man has disappeared. We would urge anyone though who knows the whereabouts of LITMIGT to come forward and expose this idiot for the moron he is.
May 19th, 2011
Good afternoon and welcome to the first in what we hope will be a long line of editions of Eating on a Budget.
This week we attempt to grasp the subtle nuances of an old favourite namely beans and sausages, grabbed from the shelves of Sainsburys and paid for with very little pence. Yes, this tin of salvation was purchased for less than 30p so what can you expect to find within?
For your money you do get a generous portion including six or seven sausages and plenty of beans. As with most tinned items there was more sauce than necessary. When the spoon went into my mouth there was a slight expectation of squalid tomatoes but it wasn’t as bad as it should have been. It was tomato-y, yes, it was exactly as it was described on the tin, more of less, but the after taste left a little to be desired. The price you paid immediately comes to mind once the food has left your mouth.
I could have tarted it up with some bread rolls but I faced the enemy alone and came off a little worse for wear. Whether it chooses to return on me only time will tell however it has stayed down for ten minutes and one can only assume this is a good thing.
Overall this little number could have been better yet set your expectations lower than usual and you might be surprised – 5 out of 10.
May 13th, 2011
Winking through the Northern grit,
A beauty of some description sits,
Lost for words, the moments drip,
All because her face didn’t fit.
Dirty eyes are watching, need
To look away and just believe
That one day through a gentle deed
A home is found for broken seeds.
Tip-toe Charlies scuzzing fast,
She’s picked up, flung, a gulp, a gasp,
This treatment hopefully won’t last.
Once she was Queen in the distant past.
May 11th, 2011
This could very well be Mr Christopher Marshall if you squint slightly and turn to the side. I believe that his “big man” genes were stolen from him whilst he was watching television so that they could be passed onto further members of society. In this particular instance they were passed to Pete Lawrie; I’m being honest I didn’t know of him until I saw his Marshall-esque face in a music magazine last week.
It’s either the genes or he stole your look completely, Chris. Science has a lot to answer for. If only we knew a Science Master who might be able to offer an explanation…
May 10th, 2011