Archive for June, 2011
So far so good.
Five letters sent and four returned, with only Kraft left to reply to my sexual confrontation about Terry’s Chocolate Orange. I think it’s best to refer to it as a “sexual confrontation” rather than a letter because I did go a little over the top. Anyway, currently the league table is as follows:
- McVities
- Burton’s Foods
- Nestle
- Proctor & Gamble
- ?????
Technically the letter to P & G wasn’t garnering any proper interest so I do feel bad leaving them at the back end of the table however the fact that all four took the time to respond to my deluded ramblings is brilliant. I salute all the customer service advisors and departments who were forced to look at and read my filth. Can Kraft come forward and knock McVities off the top spot? Who will be the next company to be chosen? Will anyone reply telling me to stop wasting their time?
If only anyone other than me was reading this it might be a little bit thrilling!
June 30th, 2011
Dear Mr McIver
Thank you for your letter regarding Burton’s Jammie Dodgers, we are delighted to hear how much you enjoy this product.
We are always grateful for consumers taking the time and trouble to write and your comments have been forwarded to the appropriate department.
As a gesture of goodwill, we enclose complimentary vouchers (2 x £1.00) which you may like to use towards future purchases of Jammie Dodgers.
Yours sincerely
Burton’s Foods
June 29th, 2011
Dear Kraft Foods UK,
I have to start off with something you have probably heard many, many times before. So whilst it might not be entirely original I want to say THANK YOU. A big, big thank you. The biggest thank you that a lowly person can offer to such a wonderous place. Why? In my hands I hold a Terrys Chocolate Orange. It is without doubt one of my favourite foods. I can’t begin to tell you how amazing it tastes. When I put a piece in my mouth it sends me to places that other chocolate bars can only dream of. Terrys Chocolate Orange offers you a direct route to Fantasto-taste town. Every other chocolate you have to get a bus, then a train, then another bus and probably an airplane before you get where you want to be and even then it’s quieter, less interesting and you want to leave after five minutes. Fantasto-taste town is reserved exclusively for the Chocolate Orange. It’s a thing of beauty; a lip-smacking sphere of sugar lust.
Do you know which is my absolute favourite though? It has to be the Christmas-only popping candy Chocolate Orange. What an innovation! Popping candy is a severly underrated commodity and you hit the nail on the head there. My only problem is why only at Christmas? Do you think people would get bored with it if it were available every day of the year? Cos I wouldn’t. I’d put on five stone (possibly more?) eating those babies. I’d line my shelves with them. I’d build a shed out of them and sit in it and laugh like a tin of chuckles. The seagulls would certainly have a go at my chocolate structure and so would the kids who live down the street. I’d wake up one morning to find my roof was missing. It would just be an excuse to buy more.
So if you could can you bring out the popping candy Chocolate Orange at least twice a year, maybe Christmas and somewhere in Summer. My birthday? Ah, surely not. The 17th November is so far away. A closer date perhaps?
I’m off to Fantasto-taste town. Thanks for everything!
Ian McIver
June 23rd, 2011
I’m not one for showboating, that is no more than several monkeys that have been tied together and set on fire in the hope of getting the attention of anyone, anyone walking past. So that might be a yes. I want to step to one side of all the pressure, stress and little matters of today to look back at a couple of characters from my childhood who never seem to crop up these days. They appear to have been lost somewhere, possibly down the back of the sofa or in that dark alley you walk past but never peer into. Rather than a standard list I will name the parties and offer my comments:
Rupert Bear – clearly too queer for the 21st century, which is a shame because he solved a lot of crimes with the help of a badger, a mouse and an elephant. I’d wear a yellow scarf if I could get away with it. They should include him as a secret character in Gears of War 3; watch his popularity soar once he’s armed to the teeth.
The Raggy Dolls – am I squinting too much through the rose-tinted glasses or were they really that good? All I can remember is Sad Sack, a personal hero of mine. There is nothing more depressing and yet also uplifting as a gingerbread man-esque creature walking this earth; there’s no chance any kid is ever going to play with him but by Jove, it makes my life seem like a holiday.
Freakazoid! – I remember less of this other than what he looked like and most of the lyrics to the theme song. After checking wikipedia apparently there was a cat in it called Mr Chubbikins. That’s a double thumbs up right there. It was silly and sarcastic and it taught me what the word ‘unemployed’ meant.
One more…
Ollie The Ox – the main character of Ox Tales which seems to have been shown exclusively in Yorkshire as only myself and my counterpart Tina from ‘Uddersfield can remember it. Check your watch: are you less then ten years old? Is it the 1980’s? Is it the summer holidays? Then watch ITV in the morning and you should find Ox Tales. If however you are stuck in 2011 like me then I dunno try Youtube.
Gentlemen and ladies, I personally salute your efforts. You made me the work-shy, layabout loafer I am today.
June 22nd, 2011
… it’s more like a nook than a corner.
We like to encourage diversity here at Pouring Beans. Never one to turn our backs on creativity no matter how stupid it may appear on paper I have been working on a song or digital poem about a recent amusing story whereby an acquaintance of mine kept confusing things for milk. At the time I couldn’t see the potential yet several evenings later, whilst frothing my whiskers, it hit me like a lead skillet. I therefore present the early version of ‘It Could Be But It Isn’t Milk’.
It Could Be But It Isn’t Milk
Some kitchen roll, truth be told
It looks like milk but it isn’t milk
There’s a duvet where this morn I lay
It could be milk but it’s not milk
That fabric softener, that Debra Toffner
They should be milk yet they’re not milk
Cup of PVA in the DVLA
Isn’t milk, it’ll never be milk
And that chemical solution
Which solidified an intrusion
Of my fridge-time expedition of a curious coalition
It stands near my hands and wagers damn demands
For mountains of wondrous hundreds and thousands
It might well be made of milk, but it certainly isn’t milk
Fuck off yoghurt.
June 20th, 2011
I thought of this today and hated myself immediately:
Joke: What does Gok Wan say if someone is trying to buy him a drink but he’s already got one?
Answer: Gok Wan, thanks.
… don’t tell me how much you hate it ‘cos I already know.
June 20th, 2011
Dear Mr McIver
Thank you for contacting us and the complimentary remarks you made concerning our Go Ahead range of products.
We are always interested to hear our customers’ comments and appreciate you taking the time and trouble to contact us.
Please find enclosed a small token of our appreciation (£1.00 off biscuits, mint) and we hope you enjoy your next purchase of delicious McVitie’s biscuits.
So far McVities have been easily the nicest and most generous. They have set the bar pretty high; can anyone hope to achieve this level of greatness? We shall see.
June 19th, 2011
Title – Boy In A Bag
Tagline – ‘Bag yourself a winner’
Plot – Raymond Man is a boy who has lived in a sleeping bag since he was a child. Now, afraid to live in the real world, he refuses to get out and continues his existance inside. Everyone thinks it is to do with a phobia but secretly it is because of a huge boil on his back. With not many employers ready to offer a job and having left school with little experience Raymond, in his bag, sells boil in a bag food to passers-by on the high street. That is he does until he meets Kalindra Matte, a beautiful woman with a can-do attitude and a healthy smile. They become friends and Kalindra has to do whatever it takes to convince the boy in the bag with the boil on his back to leave his bag and stop selling boil in the bag.
Budget – Possibly in the region of five million clams.
Actors – I would love to see Gary Wilmott as the boy in a bag but as he’s pushing towards the outer limits of boyhood that might be difficult. Second choice would have to be Gary Oldman with Kerry Katona as the love interest.
June 15th, 2011
Very strangely I start the dream in a wheelchair. I appear to have found my way up onto the first floor of the Gate in Newcastle, which is a giant multi-complex of all the dreams of drinking, gambling and Frankie and Bennys you could hope for.
I am on my way to the cinema on the second floor when I find Ryan Kwanten, the guy from True Blood, hiding behind a plant. He seems a little scared at first but then comes out. I ask him if he wants to come see a film and he’s up for it. Our problem is that the lifts have gone missing and the access to the cinema is on some sort of rail system. This is the only way my wheels are going to get up there. So Ryan being the good sport pushes my wheelchair as high as it can go, and it’s a good effort however its an impossible task.
So we sack off the cinema and decide to go to Wilkinsons instead (?). We’re halfway through the store, which is in a different location in the dream to where it should be in real life, and the layout has changed, when we’re suddenly hiding behind a trolley. Neither of us knows why.
I’m pretty sure something else happened, probably involving the wheelchair. It’s like the dullest bro-mance film you’ve ever seen.
June 9th, 2011
Dear McVities,
My eyes haven’t been off the packet since I went to the shops. I have been lustfully staring at them with the intent to tear it apart and eat everything inside. Don’t think of me as a glutton, I’m not usually, but when I saw the Go Ahead Crispy Slices I couldn’t resist.
I like everything about them; they way they look on the packet, the scent of them as you bring them up to your nose, and then the rolling taste, the rolling taste of red cherry. I even like the massive pictures of cherries in the background on the front of the packet too. I assume that this is a close-up of cherries and not some massive cherries that you, McVities, have managed to grow. I know that British weather is a tad unpredictable but I’ve never known it to facilitate the growth of gigantic fruit. Do we even grow cherries in this country? I’ll have to find that out later once I’ve finished stuffing my face.
I went through a similar phase when I discovered the Yoghurt Breaks. I remember buying at least ten boxes of the strawberry flavour and piling them up top of the fridge in the kitchen. It was such a wonderful sight I didn’t want to disrupt it however I succumbed to temptation and went through them in less than a week.
I want to know how you do it. How does a multi-national (I assume?) company such as yourself manage to create something as satisfying yet low in all the bad stuff? Are you keeping things from us all? Are you lying to me, McVities? I don’t think you are… yet. I have no scientific equipment of my own to confirm either way. I want to believe you McVities, that every time I put a Crispy Slice into my mouth that I’m better than them people troughing on crisps and those massive massive bars of chocolate. Double Galaxy in your face, no thanks. If I’m being honest even if it did come out that Crispy Slices were weighing us down with all the calories I wouldn’t mind. They’re too good.
I thought you should know…
Many thanks
Ian McIver
June 8th, 2011
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