This is what you need

Here’s a song I wrote about Sandi Toksvig, Radio 4’s resident Danish lesbian, a few years ago.

Clickety clickety click!

It crashed Ian’s computer, which indicates that it was not influenced by the Clash.

6 comments December 3rd, 2009

Chagrin Watch

“All in all, the plant is one of the largest and most prosperous in the area, and, though situated outside of the main perimeter of production plants on the south end of town, is nevertheless a distinguishing hallmark of the community, to the eternal chagrin of most locals.”

(Extract from ‘Lord of the Barnyard’ by Tristan Egolf)

7 comments November 25th, 2009

Some advice

You see this? I advise you not to do this.

Nine out of ten mechanics recommend you avoid doing this. The other 10% are being actively hunted by the police and will be shot on sight.

(I’m OK by the way.)

24 comments November 16th, 2009

Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One

Having successfully re-introduced the word ‘loins’, the yo-yo and the finger waggle into the 21st century I am now on the lookout for further relics from the past to lighten up, brush over with some foundation and stick them in a public viewing box for 80p a pop.

Let’s get together a focus group and get some ideas brewing. Come on, chop chop!

9 comments October 27th, 2009

Music, Please! Please? Please…

As it happens, and with December looming out of the woodwork, I really need to get my arse in gear with the Christmas Gangster Rap album. I’ve got some rhymes down here and there but at the moment it’s a page with some song titles dotted across:

Possible Song Titles

Pimp That Tree
Check Tha Cold / Check Tha Snow
Cold Piece of Coal, Peace To Tha Soul
Meal for Three: You, Her and Me
Brave Tha Sales
Shopping Like a Mother F*cker
Crackers and B*tches
Cook That Bird!
No Christmas for Me (I W*nked in my Stocking) – instrumental

It’s really, really, really hard being an inspirational music writer / producer / maestro you know.

14 comments October 13th, 2009

Pebbles for sale

It’s the discount pebble sale here at Marshall’s World of Pebbles! Come on down to our Discount Pebble Warehouse  for some kerr-azy discounts on pebbles at prices you can’t afford to miss!

	Big white pebbles! Ideal for poncey minimalist flats where graphic designers and marketing executives live, with whitewashed floorboards and arty candles and that sort of shite. You might like to get an enormous jar of these pebbles and put it in a corner. Yeah, cos that’ll be individual. £12 a dozen.
	Little brown pebbles! Super for sprinkling on cakes and other desserts. Or get a whole truck full of them and use them on your driveway, if you want to spend the rest of your life raking the damn things back into place again. Supposedly a good security measure but a shotgun is better and makes less noise. £42 per hundredweight.
	One huge pebble with swirly bits! Lots of fun for the whole family can be had if your whole family are some sort of mentalists who take pleasure in looking at rocks like this one. If you are then you’ll probably appreciate being able to buy one off us at stupid prices instead of just picking up armloads of them for free at any beach. Just £150 a pop.

So come on down for all your pebble bargains to Marshall’s World of Pebbles! Carcroft, Thorp Arch and Denby Dale. Offer must end Sunday.

15 comments October 4th, 2009

NEWSBOOST!

Suck deep and bathe…

Newsboost from Pouring Beans on Vimeo.

13 comments September 16th, 2009

Pledge Of Achievance

As it happens, before any of us have realised, we are hurtling towards Christmas on a broken truck with three wheels, two gears and a wing mirror covered in toffee. Did you like that? You can sing it if you want to.

In order to really get into the spirit I have devised a new concept that can neatly fit into most of the ideas I come up with as well as sparking up a few imaginative pennies along the way. I am currently in the process of writing a Gangster Christmas Album and was wondering if you would like to contribute. Obviously beneath the violence, the swearing, the carnage and the chaos there will be heartfelt tales of shopping and families as that’s what Christmas is all about, right?

I’m pulling in a few guest collaborators to help with the music but any song lyrics, titles, ideas or anything like that would be gratefully acknowledged. You can also help with the tunes too. There are no boundaries when it comes to Festive Hip Hop.

13 comments September 14th, 2009

I don’t understand

Could do with some help here. I know what BEEF is, that’s no problem. It’s delicious.

But I can’t work out what BEEF stands for. Do you know?

17 comments August 6th, 2009

Things around me

Hello children! It’s time for another brilliant list of all the things that are in close proximity to me!

• fancy new VOIP telephone that doesn’t work very well, and requires you to press “OK” after you dial a number or it won’t do anything.
• 330ml bottle of Tesco apple juice (from concentrate), with about 40% of juice remaining.
• thermal non-spill mug with dregs of coffee in it.
• my portable telephone, currently set to vibrate.
• keyboard, manufactured by HP, with silver strip around the function keys.
• large speaker which is hardwired to Network Ringmain Point 22, so if you switch it on you can hear the Afghan Stream as carried by BBC FM relays in Kabul, Mazar and Herat.
• pair of Canford headphones, level limited to -93dBA, with tangled cable.
• lid of my USB pen drive.
• empty plastic cup.
• grey optical mouse with scroll wheel.
• my hands.

I will be delighted to answer your questions on this subject. Please raise your hand if you wish to make an enquiry.

16 comments August 5th, 2009