Posts filed under 'Chris'
Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrows geniuses (using song)
Who are you? Cathy Partslammer
What’s the idea? Beef Rays
What is it? So often we try to enjoy beef or beef-based products as part of our busy modern lifestyle. But we are hampered by the difficulty of obtaining delicious beef. Once it has been extracted from the cows, it must be manhandled and jerrymandered before it arrives on our teeth. With Beef Rays, all that is in the past.
What does it do? The consumer Beef Ray takes up no more space in your kitchen than a washing machine or chest freezer. Plug it in, hook it up to your satellite dish and away you go. At the meat processing plant, beef is packaged and then transmitted via satellite live into your home. You simply select a channel on your Beef Ray receiver – diced, minced, roasting joint or entire cow – and it is beamed to you directly. You are billed an extortionate amount at a later date.
What are you gonna do about it? Nothing! Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)
July 20th, 2009
As handsome a picture as any you’ll see in the calendar this year. I’m very pleased with this – we went to great lengths to get just the right shot and luckily it all paid off.
EEFY McJEEFY knows a few people in the Admiralty, so we got a knock-down rate of £18,000,000 to hire an aircraft carrier for a fortnight. We sailed it out to the Indian Ocean for just the right shade of blue water, then set it off towards the helicopter (which we stole in Madeira) at full speed. EEFY was up in the copter, lining up the shot, and on his signal I did a fabulous pirouette off the far side of the vessel. Dressed in a see-through nightie and the most fabulous string of pearls, the picture captures me in mid flight as I spin gracefully towards the water. The control tower completely obscures any view of me from EEFY McJEEFY’s vantage point.
A beautiful shot of a single moment in time, captured perfectly, I think you’ll agree. It’s definitely one of my favourites.
July 10th, 2009
For June’s picture EEFY McJEEFY and I went out to the countryside to get a more rural, natural feel. This cow provided the perfect cover for me. I am, of course, lying provocatively on the grass just in front of the hedge in the distance, wearing a cheeky PVC nurse’s uniform that is a little bit too revealing, accessorised with some fluffy handcuffs.
June 16th, 2009
I’ve been keeping quiet about this, but a few days ago I was called very early in the morning by the Archbishop of Brixton who said I needed to take a cab to Buckingham Palace immediately. So I put on a smartish t-shirt and headed down there, and blow me if Queen Liz wasn’t there sobbing into her cornflakes. Her butler, Tootingtons, explained that she was sick of being a queen and all her life had wanted to make fry-ups in a cafe on the Brentwood Bypass. I pointed out that the Brentwood Bypass wasn’t opened until about twenty years after her coronation, but he wasn’t interested.
Anyway, before she could get her hands greasy she had to find a replacement and I was the best person in the world, so I was the obvious choice. In the end I agreed to become King Christopher I on the condition that they kept it quiet and didn’t make a fuss. So we had a low-key coronation at Westminster Abbey, and I am now king while Liz is buttering toast in a lay-by on the A12.
I decided that, while I wouldn’t be giving up my job or moving out of my flat or having my face on coins and stamps, I should do something to commemorate what is quite an exciting personal development. The first thing I did was declare that Streatham will now be known as Streatham Regis, in light of my living there during my reign. The second thing was that I need a carriage of state in which I can process through my realm and which can transport me to state events.
So on Thursday I went over to Danrick Autos in Basildon and bought this:
If I pass you in the street, please stop and remove your hat in respect for your new low-key head of state.
June 14th, 2009
This month’s picture I am really happy with – and as I said before, it was just a chance picture that EEFY McJEEFY took while I happened to be out of sight for a moment.
There I was, froclicking in the breakers in my two-piece swimsuit and my hair in pigtails, when I stepped behind the large rock on the right to have a slash. And click! The picture was done. Wonderful image, and quite sexy too.
May 6th, 2009
I’ve worked out what we’re missing here at Da Beans. We’re like a glossy magazine, full of interesting articles and views. But we don’t have a nice page where you can sit down with a warm beverage and a pen and stretch your brain muscles.
That’s why I have put together the first Beans Quiz Page. Enjoy!
Numbersearch
2 4 6 3 5 7 8 9
2 9 2 3 9 7 4 2
7 2 3 3 0 4 5 2
1 9 2 5 8 4 6 6
7 2 1 1 9 3 1 5
Find the following: 1925, 7051, 8095, 79329, 20082555.
General knowledge quiz
- What is the world’s biggest shape?
- Who invented tortoises?
- Where is red kept?
- How many lemons are there?
- Fourteen?
Join the dots
. …. . .. …. .. .. ….. . . …… .. . ….. . . … … … …. .. .
. ….. . : … .. : …….. : ………. . . . .. . . . . . .. …. … ..
Answers are on the other side of this page.
April 27th, 2009
Greetings. Doctor Humphrey Bumfrey, MD, here. I have come to deliver a report on the state of Da Beans. My findings are as follows.
Slump in posting figures
The early days of Da Beans saw exceptionally high posting volumes, with up to 30 posts per month. In the last year this has tailed off. I used science and chemicals and that to find the following causes for the tailing off in posting volumes.
- Chris’s maudlin state of mind. Finding himself involuntarily in a much changed and confusing personal situation Chris was in no mood for hiliarity for large parts of last year, and found his creative mojo somewhat lacking.
- Kev’s business plan. Swapping his future career path at short notice from low-key IT professional to something modelled more on Sir Alan Sugar, Kev’s keen desire to flog bit of wire and plastic IT peripheral tat to the masses reduced the amount of time he could devote to the site.
- Something to do with Ian, though he’s a bit of a constant really isn’t he.
Recovery in postings
April 2009 has been one of the healthiest months on record so far and it is safe to say that Da Beans is now off the critical list, though it shouldn’t remove the bandages just yet. This graph (shown right, right?) shows how the red line has gone up from left to right over a period of time. Through psychic assistance and with a bold pioneering spirit within my heart I divined the following reasons.
- Chris’s increasingly upbeat posture mentally speaking.
- Kev’s guilt for not having been around much lately.
- Ian’s keenness to write new stuff, starting with bits and pieces of Beansness.
I am therefore delighted to award Da Beans a Certificate of Hooray Well Done. Congratulations!
April 7th, 2009
Here’s my calendar picture for this month.
I’m inside the building on the left, on the second floor, in a room at the back, wearing stockings, suspenders and a pair of Daffy Duck boxer shorts that are rather figure-hugging.
April 4th, 2009
UNBELIEVABLY it’s been nearly a year since I last bestowed upon you a week of the week, so this week it’s time for another week of the week to be manifested. This week’s week will therefore be a lovely week that will leave you weak at the knees. It is possibly the most varied week of the week so far, taking the week fan from the grandeur of Papal announcements and two wars down to the tragedy of one man dying whose first name and location remain unknown.
Our week of the week this week is 14-20 August 1898.
Sunday 14 August 1898 – the USA sends 11,000 troops to occupy the Philippines, a turning point that saw the end of the Spanish-American War and the start of the Philippine-American War.
Monday 15 August 1898 – Hugh D. Auchinloss, who would later be Virginia’s delegate to the Republican National Convention, celebrates his first birthday.
Tuesday 16 August 1898 – Pope Leo XIII issues a Quam Religiosa expressing his sadness at the introduction of a law in Peru that permitted civil marriage.
Wednesday 17 August 1898 – Mr. Price dies.
Thursday 18 August 1898 – Sarah McGlone, 60 years of age, falls down a well in County Armagh. Peter Hughes, a farmer, took great personal risk in being lowered down the well. He rescued her.
Friday 19 August 1898 – Science Magazine‘s latest issue is published, including an interesting article titled “Observations on Blue Jays” by Dr. Hiram M. Stanley on page 223.
Saturday 20 August 1898 – Sigmund Freud writes to Wilhelm Fliess, saying “Your lines have brought back to me the pleasures of my vacation.”
A rapturously joyful week, you will no doubt agree, and hoorah for that!
March 30th, 2009
Yes, theme tune fans! It’s time for another brilliant theme tune! Here’s where I bring you one and you can listen to it! Why? Mostly because this place is dead and that makes me sad! So here’s something to perk it up a bit as Da Beans approaches its third birthday!
Clicky clicky clicky this: UFO theme tune
Yes! It’s the theme music from Gerry Anderson’s UFO, first screened in 1970 and which has been mostly forgotten as a live-action follow up to things like Stingray and Joe 90 that nobody remembers much because it wasn’t all that good and nobody was sure if it was for kid sor grown ups. But what a theme tune!
As my Top Theme Tune of the Month, I award it seventeen annoying stars and my own personal “yippee”!
x17
March 16th, 2009
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