Posts filed under 'Ian'
I was attending Siobhan’s birthday party this Saturday just gone. It was going pretty well until this happened:
It would appear that the camera, after taking semi-reasonable photos of me all day, decided that it didn’t want to do that anymore and that turning me into a weird monster was the way forward. I was too distracted by the music and my memory in its current state cannot remember the “point of ming” whereby I turned from being me into Captain No Face Many Chins.
Needless to say I shall do my very best to ensure that this never happens again.
July 13th, 2010
I appear to be in someone else’s flat at first because I don’t recognise the kitchen but as it happens it’s my kitchen only a little different.
I think I’m trying to eat breakfast. There’s just me and the two people I’m sharing the flat with. One of them takes my twelve inch vinyl of Minus the Bear’s ‘Acoustics’ EP and starts to rip open not only the plastic still covering the record but also the cardboard sleeve itself. I scream into my shredded wheat, “What are you doing?!? There’s only five thousand of them in the entire world!”
The person tearing apart from precious vinyl shrugs and throws it on the counter. He then wanders off. I pine for this mess lying in front of me before I get a tap on the shoulder. The guy hands me thirty pounds in five pound notes and wanders off eating a Nutrigrain bar.
When I look further inside the cardboard sleeve I realise the record is in fact only a seven inch and right at the bottom, squeezed in at the bottom, is a mug and a blue t-shirt / jumper with a strange logo on.
What on earth does any of that mean?
June 3rd, 2010
Having produced, written, directed and undertaken a recent survey I am pleased to show you the conclusive results. Here, ladies and gentlemen, is the official line of power which proves out of all the powers that Nutrient Power is the strongest:
# A * @ B C
–!—|—!——————–!—–|——————————|——
A – Dragonforce Power # – People Power
B – Charm Power * – Cornpop Power
C – Nutrient Power @ – Wispa Power (unofficial)
(Kindly note that despite several months of testing we are still unsure as to where Sportsman Power belongs).
June 2nd, 2010
Those have heard, down our way
Of a certain story that does tell
Of a certain character, small and thin
That reeks of compost, farts and gin
Eyes of wonder, teeth that grin
That be him, that Fumblegin
For a long time animals went missing
After dark, when the owls did hoot
At first it was believed to be fancy cats (oooo!)
Or hustling mice or chunky rats
Except that none of these exist
So to avoid humiliation, they took a risk
Set a trap and what did they catch?
Not a cat or a rat or a Bandersnatch
But a wee small man with a tache so trim
That was him, that Fumblegin
Despite trying for at least a day
He managed to escape just after lunch
Not that he really did much to disguise
Where he lived, you just followed the pies
Down the street and around the bend
Right to the very end
There he sits, belly on top
Stinking like a rancid mop
It’d take three lifetimes to recount his sin
You know him, that’s Fumblegin
May 26th, 2010
Increasing pressure has today been inflicted upon the world by a large group of Americans obsessed with the motion picture ‘Back To The Future II’. They are stating that, with less than five years before we reach the year 2015, they are very disappointed with the lack of progress in the fields of science that were implied in the film.
“It’s awful,” says hasbeen wunderkinder Lars Inuit who is the spokesperson for the group Get Back To The Future, “We’ve no hover cars, no hover boards. Last week I went into a diner and there wasn’t a monitor with Ronald Regan on it telling me what the day’s specials were. I don’t really think there is enough time for the technology to reach this level anymore. What are we supposed to do?”
With not really having anyone from the world to speak on behalf of the world the United Nations decided to balance a donkey on a beachball for seven minutes as a direct response to the claims from the group. When the donkey only managed thirty seconds it was rushed away into a back room and replaced with a cardboard cut out.
We asked Kevin Hill Science Master, leader in the field of tasting his own mouth, about the news. “I’ve seen the film but it’s never had an effect on me. I mean what’s the point in finding out what is happening in a few years time when we’ve only just reached the point where we can taste our own mouths? We need to focus and stick to the basics.”
A similar group appeared towards the end of the twentieth century when fans on the cult television series ‘Space 1999’ were appauled that the citizens of planet earth were not living on the moon and travelling around in shoddy trains.
May 12th, 2010
It was late on the Thursday of the 6th May. I had just returned home with my small counterpart and pushed some nutrients into my face when I discovered a strange card lying on my bed. It appeared to have some writing and possibly some diagrams, both of which were illegible. In order to carry on with my evening I placed them to one side.
Imagine my surprise then when a further nine arrived on my doorstep the next day. Each contained a number and again further words and pictures that seemed to be describing some event or events to which I had not been part of. I hadn’t a clue where to start even after referring them to one of the younger generation who seemed to relish the indescribable and the incoherant.
Then came Saturday and further shocks. Two more cards were left hanging from my postbox. I now appeared to have a full set of something. Several evenings have passed by since then and I am determined to discover the fiend or fiends who are toying with my mind. Any fresh evidence will follow.
May 10th, 2010
Okay, so I had some oranges before I went to bed last night. I can only presume this is why I had such strange dreams. It was as follows:
“I was back in Garforth and I was on my way to see alt-Americana heroes My Morning Jacket who were playing up towards Castleford. Instead of getting a lift or catching the bus I jumped on a lorry which was going in the same direction, and who should be driving the lorry but Josh Homme and the rest of the Queens of the Stone Age. I hid at the back, not wanting to get in the way, and when we eventually got to the venue through what seemed like acres and acres of winding roads I immediately ran up to Mr Homme and asked if I could buy a vinyl copy of their last album ‘Era Vulgaris’. What he was clutching, however, was a vinyl copy of their second album pressed between three other records I couldn’t make out. He told me that he was saving this for someone else and disappeared inside.
The venue must have been a barn or something, albeit one with a tiny stage at the front and a small bar with merchandise at the back. I asked if they had any copies of ‘Era Vulgaris’ but unfortunately they did not. I then realised I had lost my ticket but as I was already inside didn’t worry about that fact too much. Noel Fielding was there. I asked to buy a small Dime bar to use as a comedy moustache and after much badgering the brunette behind the bar agreed to sell this to me because she was tired of my conversation.”
Then I woke up. I can understand about the Dime Bar but not much else. Both of you have degrees in Dreamology; what does it mean?
April 6th, 2010
It is with deep and sorrowful regret that I must inform the world of the imminent closure of Jerry Loinsford’s Loinsford Academy. Despite trying to struggle with modern times and the recession it has unfortunately taken its toll on one of life’s great survivors. Jerry Loinsford, owner, founder and discoverer of many hidden secrets that you and I will never know about, is trying to stay optimistic about the news.
“It’s a shame yes but the same thing happened in 1987 and we came back stronger than ever after that! It’s just at this point in time the Academy is no longer needed, and I fully accept that. One of these days though when you least expect it we will return, like a tidal wave to the face!”
He then picked himself up by the seat of his pants and left through a gap in the sky.
Each of the remaining students has had their fees returned along with a signed copy of Mr Loinsford’s latest collection of poetry entitled ‘Loinsfully Yours: In And Out Like A Rushed Job’. Copies have been trading on Ebay for up to seven days with no buyers.
March 26th, 2010
So, as it goes, that Geordies start and end sentences with the same words, I decided to call an emergency luncheon with two gentlemen to try and stop the slide of pouringbeans.com into obscurity.
“Mr Brek,” I shouted across the room, and immediately he saw who and what my purpose was, “over here,” I continued and then I added, “you div!” to which he burst into laughter like a raptor. When the tears had subsided we sat down and ordered two plates of coffee and half a bagel of juice. The morning was spiffing and all the more for it because it was breakfast. We engaged in idle banter whilst waiting for the third of our party to arrive and he did, as always, struggling to stand up with a girl on each arm. “Mr Charms,” I ordered like a whistle in a pantry, “over here,” and that is where I left my chant.
He stumbled up, rested his head on his hands and slurred nonsense for the next twenty minutes. We could always see through the facade – why bother? He’s clearly not what we’re looking for. Nonetheless his company was appreciated. When the cutlery was cleared away we had forgotten the reason for coming and said adieu in the nicest possible way that didn’t involve cider.
March 23rd, 2010
The onslaught from the severe weather that has hit the country within the last 28 days has been immense. There have been schools closed, roads paved with ice, power shortages, electrical problems, endless panic buying, people pushed to their limits. It has been the the freeziest and worst December / January for a long time.
Luckily London has not been affected by any of this. We spoke to fashion guru and local MP Quaff for the reasons behind this.
“London is the centre of everything. Everything revolves around London. I have always lived in London because London has always been here, for me and for many others. If I were to leave London it would only be to travel around the world and return to London, on the same flight, possibly the same plane, so London would have a fresher taste when I gazed upon her sweet, sweet enclosures.”
5 minutes later.
“London is as London does. You think you’ve done something new? You think you’ve found something undiscovered? No. No you haven’t. London has discovered it first. That’s what it’s called Lon-done. It’s done, all done. London did it before you. Don’t try to steal it from London!”
Another 5 minutes later.
“So you see, it comes back to London. Everyone comes back to London. She is the sweetest flower in the pack, the tastiest bone in the kennel, the juciest plumbs in the meadow. Nobody owns London, London owns you. But she doesn’t own Quaff though, at least I don’t think so. Perhaps she does. There is a part of me in London that will never leave…”
(For the full 87 hour interview please contact Mack Mackford at Mackmackford@mackfordtowers.co.uk)
January 14th, 2010
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