That’s Better

January 5th, 2011

Dappy Crew Jeer

So…

I was hoping to make the first post of the year a ceremoniously amazing photo of us all as Lego men but due to the fact that Audrey appears to have left the camera in a bag and thrown it into her wardrobe we don’t know where the chuffer is. I managed to take a shufftie shufftie one on my phone but alas despite messing around for half an hour I am still in the dark about how to turn on the Bluetooth on the strange netbook effort.

So…

What this merely demonstrates is my inability to plan ahead and to use devices of a technical nature. My language however is somewhat still at the same basic level as a chimpanzee; go me.

So…

Here’s to the year of twenty lemons!

January 4th, 2011

Chris-mish Merry Mish-mas

It’s a little late in the morning…

We should have officially finished work at 10 but things overlapped somewhat. Needless to say I struggled with the bare minimum of simple tasks, such as filing papers away. I’m glad all I have to do is sit here now and then endure a short bus ride home.

Merry Christmas empty room!

December 24th, 2010

Did You Know Where I Came From?

I think it’s only fair to let everyone know, and when I say everyone currently I just mean Kev, that I am not the original Ian McIver. I am in fact a sequel to myself, a sequel to the original McIver who came before me, but who also was me. It gets even more complicated when I say that the original McIver wasn’t a human but he was in fact a radiator.

When I was first “born” I was created in a factory because I was a radiator. For the first thirteen years of my life I was installed in a strip club in one of the nicer areas of London where beautiful semi-naked women would rest their booties on me to keep them warm during the winter months. It was agony during the spring and the summer unless a particularly nasty cold spell meant they needed my assistance. Unfortunately this was not to last.

For the next thirteen years of my life, when the strip club was closed down on indecency chrges, I was placed in an old people’s home in Coventry. It can only be described as the biggest test of anyone’s patience imaginable. The horrors that took place there I will never speak of again (until someone pays me to write my memoirs). Want a sample? Two words: wrinkly bottoms.

It was then that I was signed up for another thirteen year stretch in another part of the world. I would have done anything to get out of there. It became apparent though that in my desperation to escape I did not check the fine print on the piece of paper. I have signed up to radiate the sea underwater; unfortunately the thirteen years didn’t pan out quite as successfully though as I suffocated after 98 seconds.

Look how I turned out though!

2 comments December 22nd, 2010

Christmas Tash

This is what happens when one person has access to Photoshop and nobody else in the firm does:

December 21st, 2010

The Ulimate Collection Of Stretched Weasel Cheese Statues

Are you still buying Christmas presents?

Can’t what to do buy Uncle Dad or Cousin John in prison?

Then what you need is the ultimate gift for the ultimate person! Smoochies Inc are proud to announce a release of 1000 only set of Stretched Weasel Cheese Statues, not available in the shops.

Each statue has the chiseled features of nature’s favourite mammals: the beady eyes, the protruding whiskers, the cutsey face. In fact each statue has ten times more cute than the leading competator with a whole stack of satisfaction guaranteed.

Order now and we will ship within 24 hours, so that’s at least 24 hours before the country gets snowed in again. And remember there are only 1000 sets for sale making it an instant limited edition, never to be re-issued again. In fact if you do not order at least one this instant you will forever remember this moment as the moment when you could have ordered a life-changing collection of Stretched Weasel Cheese Statues and you didn’t, because you plumped for something stagnant and ordinary like a copy of Shrek which you can buy any time and you shouldn’t really because they’re just plain awful.

…

Order now. Our dedicated staff are on hand to take your call.

4 comments December 14th, 2010

How To Be A Shit Wizard – a handy guide

There are so many great wizards out there, Gandalf, Merlin, some kid with glasses, that it does put a lot of pressure on starting wizards or begina-wizards to become somewhat of a legend. Luckily someone has seen sense and decided that not everyone has to be a great wizard, that sometimes being the worst at something can be a lot more fun. So we hereby present a bitesize version of Smoochies Inc’s ‘How To Be A Shit Wizard’.

1. Start off with the most basic spells you can come across. The ‘box into another box’ and ‘make a pencil sharpener appear in your pocket’ are favourites amongst the shit magic community.
2. Dress as you mean to go on. Rummage around in any charity shops for clothing in the wrong sizes or look in your dad’s wardrobe for fashions that don’t exist out of 1976 (but not too deep, you never know what’s lurking in there).
3. Don’t bother with a magic wand; go for a magic straw instead. It’ll lessen the strength of your magic because of the hole in the middle.
4. Stay indoors a lot. Stray away from exciting adventures involving knights and dragons and gold and the such. Always make sure you catch ‘Eastenders’ and ‘Coronation Street’ and bore any other wizards you come across with thrilling conversations such as, “Did you see what Phil Mitchell did last night?”
5. Piss yourself as often as possible.

The standard and deluxe editions of ‘How To Be A Shit Wizard’ are available now from most bookshops.

December 7th, 2010

Logical Dreamscape (7)

I agreed to go to a somewhat unconventional jazz festival with my counterparts Mr Nick and Mr Neil which was being held in a large pub some thirty miles away. The first problem was that I didn’t know where it was located and they had already set off without me so I was left to my own devices. I managed to somehow get to within a couple of miles and hitched a ride on an old fashioned red double decker to the front of the pub.

Inside it was comprised of three or four floors. The main floor was on the ground level comprising of many tables and chairs and a huge spiral staircase through the middle of the room, but you couldn’t use it. It appeared to be some sort of art edifice. Encountering my usual bladder troubles even in a dream I head downstairs to the basement level to go to the toilet.

It is set out like the toilets in a school gym; line upon line of urinals as far as the eye can see, drenched in piss stains and chewing gum. The toilets are so far in the distance I can’t make them out, it’s as big as a warehouse. To make matters worse filling up most of the room is a group of school children lined up in formation and being drilled by a teacher. I quietly pick a urinal as far away from the chaos as possible and slip back upstairs.

There’s no music though. For a jazz festival there is only the sound of people talking. Perhaps it’s a metaphor or something, I didn’t pay to get in after all. I wander up to the top floor and still no music. I haven’t even located my two friends and instead get followed by a strange man with a beard and glasses, trying to start a conversation with me about vermouth and spiders. I make my excuses and leave but he still follows. Outside it’s a beautiful warm day.

What does it all mean?

December 1st, 2010

The Ballad of the Gin King

I have obtained a reputation of sorts, a name amongst my kin,
For smashing faces, breaking chairs and gouging gallons of gin.
Everyone was shocked at first due to the severity of my condition
But none could fault my ballsiness, nor pick at my ambition.
The taste was pleasant and rich, a tapestry of flavours
That challenged my ability to walk and pissed of all the neighbours,
Especially when they caught me urinating on their flowers in-between receiving sexual favours.

They look at me though as a pioneer, a pilgrim in the rushes,
Would they themselves spend an hour furiously vomiting in the bushes?
No, not they. Too clean for them. I’d figure that they’d rather
Entertain a spot of family then play bridge with mumsie and father.
I was told I’d went too far one night, waking in a pool of grime
With a donkey, a goose, three pipes, one wrench, an onion and a lime.
Instead of taking to the baths I did a little skip,
Downed another shot of gin then skidded on my sick.
I don’t think I’ll ever stop though. I’ve grown accustomed to this way,
It’s only others who believe it’s full of anguish and dismay.

Many scream and shout at me, many do implore,
“I thought you weren’t going mad but now I’m not so sure.”

November 24th, 2010

Newsboost Zoom Flume – A Great Test For The Greatest

The world has been left reeling after reports that a woman from Montreal in Canada has written, recorded and sung the greatest song ever.

The woman, Candice Eely, has not come forward yet with these claims; it is her husband Dennis who is lavishing her with all the attention. Mr Eely apparenting ran to the top of the church tower in their village and shouted at the top of his voice, “MY WIFE HAS JUST WRITTEN THE GREATEST SONG EVER!” to which this was immediately responded to with, “what, better than Livin’ On A Prayer by Bon Jovi?”

Nobody other than Mr Eely has actually heard this song so far, so how can anyone claim that it is the world’s greatest song? Reputed lover of music and all round innovator Markle Funkter gave his opinion:

“I am in no doubt as to the validity of these claims. I have met this woman on numerous occasions and her ability to write beautiful melodies and superb lyrics is unquestionable. Well, apart that song she wrote about dirty sinks. That wasn’t so good. “Oh! We’ll clean clean clean the sink, don’cha think? Rack up those cups, knock out some suds, you know exactly what I meeeeeean!” I think Christina Aguilera did a cover on her last album.”

Mrs Eely has reportedly signed a multi-million dollar contract with Whack-Away Records to have the song released before Christmas. With only five weeks left though they will have to get a wriggle on. Many expect it to be delayed due to the adverse weather conditions due shortly.

November 22nd, 2010