Posts filed under 'Look at this'
Dear Proctor and Gamble,
I have to tell you I love your product Fairy so much. It is one of the consistencies in modern life; a product that continues to clean to a satisfactory level time after time after time. So much so I’ve written a poem about it:
Fairy Satisfaction
Oh how it cleans, oh how it sheens
Everything sparkles after using so little
Turning my plates that were dirty and brittle
Into steaming great monsters of shine
No need to work my behind
A few wipes and I’m done
That’s the beauty and the fun of Fairy
My hero
Or heroine
Or whatever gender washing-up liquid is
If I could I would use it for other things in fact occasionally I wash myself with it. Not in the washing up bowl of course but in the shower. So, two questions:
- Does washing up liquid have a gender and
- Are there any long-term side effects of using it on human skin?
Thanks
Yours Faithfully
Ian McIver
March 16th, 2011
Hello.
February, I said to myself. February is the time to get involvulised again. The time to re-relationate yourself with Da Beans. To do some contributioning. So here I am. They say you should write about what you know, and what I know are the THINGS I see around me on the desk.
- Bendy desk lamp
- Birthday present for someone whose birthday was in mid-January
- Pen shaped like a dinosaur on which messages can be recorded, and which if you press the button now, has Kev’s voice saying “rar”
- Post-it note reminding me to buy cake tickets
There will be more later, when I know more, and thus I am able to write about more of what I know, when there is more of it.
More.
February 3rd, 2011
There are so many great wizards out there, Gandalf, Merlin, some kid with glasses, that it does put a lot of pressure on starting wizards or begina-wizards to become somewhat of a legend. Luckily someone has seen sense and decided that not everyone has to be a great wizard, that sometimes being the worst at something can be a lot more fun. So we hereby present a bitesize version of Smoochies Inc’s ‘How To Be A Shit Wizard’.
- Start off with the most basic spells you can come across. The ‘box into another box’ and ‘make a pencil sharpener appear in your pocket’ are favourites amongst the shit magic community.
- Dress as you mean to go on. Rummage around in any charity shops for clothing in the wrong sizes or look in your dad’s wardrobe for fashions that don’t exist out of 1976 (but not too deep, you never know what’s lurking in there).
- Don’t bother with a magic wand; go for a magic straw instead. It’ll lessen the strength of your magic because of the hole in the middle.
- Stay indoors a lot. Stray away from exciting adventures involving knights and dragons and gold and the such. Always make sure you catch ‘Eastenders’ and ‘Coronation Street’ and bore any other wizards you come across with thrilling conversations such as, “Did you see what Phil Mitchell did last night?”
- Piss yourself as often as possible.
The standard and deluxe editions of ‘How To Be A Shit Wizard’ are available now from most bookshops.
December 7th, 2010
Pick up something on your desk and look at it. Now, look a little bit closer. What can you see?
Scientists up until recently believed that things were made up of smaller things. These things were known as atoms or adams to those who couldn’t say the word properly however in a groundbreaking set of experiments evidence has come forward to disprove much of this. It would appear that things are not made up of atoms but something else called tumps.
Tumps make up everything in this world and possibly the next. Everything from the clothes you are wearing to the coffee in your mug and the itch in your crotch. Tumps make the world go round, possibly even moreso than flans and tarts. How do we know this? Professor Reuben of the Chop University of Tyneside concluded that, “things are things and these things have tumps.” You can’t say fairer than that.
So next time you’re kicking a dove or handing bleach to a tramp give a smile and a wink to tumps.
November 3rd, 2010
It’s official. I had no idea until recently but the still lovely but absent and probably finding Christ somewhere Shania Twain is in love with brackets possibly even more than the Papples. I didn’t think it was possible. She has three songs and singles from one album alone all with brackets in. Check out these monsters:
- The Woman In Me (Needs The Man In You).
- (If You’re Not In It For Love) I’m Outta Here!
- Home Ain’t Where His Heart Is (Anymore).
- Don’t Be Stupid (You Know I Love You).
- I’m Holdin’ On To Love (To Save My Life).
And my personal favourite:
- Thank You Baby! (For Makin’ Someday Come So Soon)
She apparently also doesn’t like the letter ‘G’. You won’t find these sorts of facts on wikipedia.
October 16th, 2010
Do you struggle with what to do on a Saturday night? Do you sit at home all by yourself with a bottle of whisky and wonder if there’s something better out there? Well think on no more because you need the razzlest, dazzlest, newest game on the scene – The X Factor Drinking Game.
All you need is some cheap alcohol and some promiscuous friends. Sit down to watch the X Factor and do a shot of your alcohol whenever you hear tedious phrases such as these:
- “You owned that stage!”
- “You made the song your own!”
- “(insert name), you know what I like about you…”
- “One million per cent yes!”
- “I really, really, genuinely like you.”
- “There’s a space in the market for a band/artist like you right now.”
You are guaranteed a minimum of about thirty per show so expect to be happy and pretty mashed by the end of it. Keep going and whoever is the last one standing, or who hasn’t turned the television off because they couldn’t take anymore, is the winner.
(The X Factor Drinking Game all rights reserved in the name of Smoochies Inc, in association with Chris Industries).
October 12th, 2010
It has gone on long enough and today is the day where credit is given to where the credit should have already gone. It’s very easy to say how instrumental certain people in the music biz were but where would they have all been without Terence Gravy?
You may not have heard of Terence Gravy but he is a musical pioneer, or at least he was back in 1928. It was a very different time back then; full of cakes and misery. Terence was born in a small log shed in the back garden of WG Grace. Fast forward twenty-five years and Terence is twenty-five years old and studying English Literature at the University of Struggling Writers. It was here that he started writing poetry and his most famous and accomplished poem was ‘Here Ye, Here Ye’. You also may not have heard of this poem however take some time to search it out.
“Oh how I long for thee, sweet maiden alone,
We could play some chess at your home”
‘Here Ye, Here Ye’ is the first known text to offer the rhyming couplet of ‘home’ and ‘alone’. Indeed without this most pop songs from the last fifty years would have suffered, or maybe not even have existed at all. Georgie ‘Buckfast’ Cannon may have been the first to rhyme ‘lady’ with ‘baby’, again another pioneer who remains in the shadows, but Terence set the standard. I hope everyone reading this will raise a muffin and toast his legend.
October 5th, 2010
Good Morning and welcome to the Nonny Market.
The Nonny Market is a brand new and exclusive business only available in selected parts of the country which gives only CERTAIN people the chance to experience the whimsy and wonder. Do you want to be one of those people? Can you sing all the words to ‘China Girl’ by David Bowie? Fill in a ten page document with all your personal details and maybe, just maybe you might be one of the lucky few who get to enter the Nonny Market. Before it goes on general release and any old codger with a codpiece can get in.
There are rules for entering the Nonny Market though. Whilst it does have everything you could ever want ranging from simple items such as bread and milk to luminous uncertainties such as howling guinea pigs, sweaty cheese plants and face magnets you must ensure that you do not touch nor buy any of these. Nothing, nothing at all. They are not for you.
So good luck with the draw. We hope to see you “shopping” at the Nonny Market very soon.
August 2nd, 2010
Today I have been spending a lot of my time catching up with US singer-songwriter, actor, filmmaker and director not to mention choreographer Toni Basil.
I have to admit that I was quite naive when it came to the career of Toni Basil. I was not aware that she released her first single as far back as 1966. I was not aware that her debut album had three songs written by Devo on it. I was also not aware that she starred in the films ‘Easy Rider’ and ‘Five Easy Pieces’ and that she was the one who choreographed and directed the Talking Heads video ‘Once In A Lifetime’. The list just goes on and on!
Actually it doesn’t. It goes on for a little bit and stops. You can’t argue with the bubblegum teen fury of a song such as ‘Mickey’. It didn’t get voted No 6 on VH1’s 100 Greatest One Hit Wonders of the 80’s for nothing. It’s just a shame that the original version of the song was called ‘Kitty’ and she changed the words to coincide with the fact that she worked with Mickey Dolenz of the Monkeys during their sixties headf*ck of a film ‘Head’.
Pay particular interest to her 1983 song ‘Shoppin’ from A to Z’ which features a shopping list consisting of various grocery items, each beginning with a different letter of the alphabet. I am waterin’ at the mouth at the prospect of listening to this tonight.
Look at ME and be inspired.
July 5th, 2010
The 2010 State of the Beans Address
Delivered by Dr. Humphrey Bumfrey M.D.
Settle down, everyone, settle down. Thank you.
It is a great honour to be invited back here to Da Beans for another time, and to be asked to deliver my analysis of the current state of this fine web institution. Being a scientist with all sorts of clever gadgets and fancy equations out of books and that, I am incredibly clever, much more so than any of you, and therefore you have to listen to me and think I’m great.
First to the trends in posting volumes here on Da Beans.
After a steady, level second half of 2009, figures become erratic around the New Year 2010 period. This is down to a number of factors.
- Ian making many posts in December, each composed of thousands of deadly nanoposts.
- Everyone losing interest for a bit.
I have rubbed my stethoscope on Da Beans and given it some calpol, and I am pleased to say it has made a full recovery. Posting volumes are now back at normal pre-blowout levels and, as you can see from this graph, this is unlikely to be a temporary result.
Next we turn to comment levels and quality.
It has been observed that there were “good old days” on Da Beans when posts were excellent and comments were both humourful and numberous. These things tend to change upwardly as well as downbound, but in general there are comments being made today that are as good, wholesome and nutritious as anything posted in 2006. It is easy to see the past through lead-lined glasses.
Finally, I will leave you with a note of optimism for the future. I believe Da Beans has a bright future ahead of it, partly for the reasons outlined above, but mostly because Saint King has been told where to stick it.
Goodnight.
June 23rd, 2010
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