Posts filed under 'What I Did Today'
Yes! Yes!
Despite science and most of the population of the United Kingdom saying that it wasn’t possible I have defied all to actually create the world’s greatest invention… THE WHEEL OF THRUSTING!
It’s only a prototype but my lord does it purr like a kitten. To ensure that it has been made to the highest quality and standard it will be accompanying me tonight as I travel back to the Motherland (aka Leeds) to see Wilco in concert and will be making most of my decisions whilst under the influence. Furthermore it will then follow me further afield on Friday, drawing back to Leeds but then hopping into a car-dro-mat and driving with Mr Head down to Didsbury to see how it copes with the Manc way of life.
Once it has passed these crucial tests it will be then sent to the first and only customer of the Home Beans Shopping Network, Mr Christopher James Marshall. I believe that is all gentlemen. If I could work this shizz machine I would upload a photo but I can’t can’t can’t so I won’t won’t won’t.
November 3rd, 2009
I’ve been keeping quiet about this, but a few days ago I was called very early in the morning by the Archbishop of Brixton who said I needed to take a cab to Buckingham Palace immediately. So I put on a smartish t-shirt and headed down there, and blow me if Queen Liz wasn’t there sobbing into her cornflakes. Her butler, Tootingtons, explained that she was sick of being a queen and all her life had wanted to make fry-ups in a cafe on the Brentwood Bypass. I pointed out that the Brentwood Bypass wasn’t opened until about twenty years after her coronation, but he wasn’t interested.
Anyway, before she could get her hands greasy she had to find a replacement and I was the best person in the world, so I was the obvious choice. In the end I agreed to become King Christopher I on the condition that they kept it quiet and didn’t make a fuss. So we had a low-key coronation at Westminster Abbey, and I am now king while Liz is buttering toast in a lay-by on the A12.
I decided that, while I wouldn’t be giving up my job or moving out of my flat or having my face on coins and stamps, I should do something to commemorate what is quite an exciting personal development. The first thing I did was declare that Streatham will now be known as Streatham Regis, in light of my living there during my reign. The second thing was that I need a carriage of state in which I can process through my realm and which can transport me to state events.
So on Thursday I went over to Danrick Autos in Basildon and bought this:
If I pass you in the street, please stop and remove your hat in respect for your new low-key head of state.
June 14th, 2009
Woo, guess who’s back…. Thats right, WE ARE!
Continue Reading June 12th, 2009
It’s the burning question of the day. I think we all want to know whether Kev is famous and, if so, how long has he been famous in secret? We should be told.
The secret got out yesterday when I saw this.
So, Mr Hill – what the hell are you doing with an hour-long show on E4?
January 24th, 2009
Today I need to buy a number of items. I will list these items here and tell you how I progress through the purchasing stage and whether I am unable to source any of these articles.
- A diary. This is required so that I can ensconce within it the dates and times on which working is necessitated by my employers and overlords, and also the dates and times on which I am due to socialise with other humans in a non-workplace context.
- A VGA cable. This handsome combination of wires, plastic sheaths and precision-moulded terminal plug fixtures will permit the connection of a laptop video output to a television video input channel, permitting the screening of internet videos on a TV screen that could justifiably be described as “mackin'”.
- A book. The book I select will be carefully chosen to permit the optimum enwritement of random tat and the endrawage of senseless doodlings. It is of great importance that it has nice clean white pages, unless I find another style of page which sweeps me up in its strong arms and causes me to take leave of my senses.
- Jeans. I don’t think I have any chance of getting these in my lunch break but I need some so I’m putting it in the list anyway. They are designed to keep my legs warm and out of sight in a range of social situations, from the workplace to home-bound slobbing.
This completes my list of items to purchase with funds in my bank account. Good day.
January 8th, 2009
look at this with your eyes (not marshmallows)
what do you think?
December 4th, 2008
I’M BORED.
Also I drew this:
August 27th, 2008
Following the raw data supplied by Mr. Kev, I did some science to it and came up with this vital information.
(click for embiggening)
I will be presenting these results to the Fourteenth Annual Congress of Desk Investigation Pie Chart Makers which is taking place in Yeovil this October.
August 22nd, 2008
Just so you can all get to know me slightly better, here is a long, yet not comprehensive list of the items on my desk at work:
Speakers, mobile phone, Pint Glass (Empty), 3 plastic cups, 30cm shatterproof ruler, greem dry-wipe marker, a box of screws, some blu-tak, a permanent black marker, 2 handkerchiefs, a pot of salt, Adobe Dreamweaver CS3 (Sealed), A desk pad, 4 mice, 2 Hard drive platters, a hole punch, my laptop, a roll of yellow electrical tape, an 8-ball stress squisher, 3 network cables (2 grey, 1 yellow), A Microsoft Action Pack Subscription, blank CDR’s, a stuffed otter, a spen tie-wrap, a calculator and a miniature wheelie bin full of pens.
I hope you now feel you know me that little bit better.
August 12th, 2008
I’m going to be leaving my second-floor penthouse in a few weeks and saving myself a few quid in the process. Here is some stuff that you can have a skeg at.
Think of this as an exclusive advance preview screening, like on a new Batman film, except less exciting and more to do with my flat.
Continue Reading July 31st, 2008
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