The Book of Power
It’s here.
You’ve all been waiting for it and now it has arrived…
Its…
Erudite Musings on the Human Condition (With Slags)
And its in lovely pdf format sized at only 1.07Mb
Enjoy.
6 comments July 9th, 2006
Posts filed under 'What I Did Today'
Locker Check – Number 29
Date: 7th July 2006
Time: 13:45
Location: The Baltic, Newcastle Upon Tyne
Locker check successful. Still locked with possessions. Added 7 inch vinyl of some bollocks band nobody cares about. Previously added ‘Erudite Musings on the Human Condition’ had fallen over and refused to stand up. Propped against side of locker. Vinyl propped against the back of locker. Left with no complications.
Random thought: I used to work with a man called Hue Rae. I kid ye not.
5 comments July 8th, 2006
First one! Back first! Writing! Like I’m singing!
Being that I, supreme being and ruler of many galaxies, can write now that Kev and Marshall, sorry, Steven and James are currently snuggled up in a travelodge across the road from where I work I can say:
Splippy boing thing!
That’s the first thing that came to mind
7 comments July 3rd, 2006
My invention
Today at work I did lots of rubbish typing work and I corrected some information on the Waste Management Manual and I converted the Fire Precaution Notes for Guidance (Course A) document into web format. Work is dull.
So I invented something to improve my miserable lot: it’s NOT a JOB so I call it a NOB. Basically I stay at home and do what I like while my NOT an EMPLOYER – or NEMPLOYER to use the new terminology – pays me a large amount of cash every week.
How this works I do not know.
7 comments June 26th, 2006
Beefy eggs
Hey hey happy hamsters!
It’s been mighty quiet round here for a while. So here’s some random information that you won’t care about.
I’m working three days a week for Safety Advisory Services at the University of Leeds. That’s right bitches, I’m in the SAS 😀
I spend my days messing with their website and also doing typing and photocopying work. Woo woo!
Nothing I have done is yet online at the tremendously exciting website, www.leeds.ac.uk/safety
20 comments June 20th, 2006
Monkeys
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece.
I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece.
I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them.
I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home.
I have a big car.
IÂ let one of them drive.
His name was Sigmund.
He was retarded.
In fact, none of them were really bright.
They kept punching themselves in the genitals.
I laughed.
They punched me in the genitals.
I stopped laughing.
When I got home, I herded them into my room.
They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment.
They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.
Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
They all died.
No apparent reason.
They all just sort of dropped dead.
Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.
God
Damn
Cheap
Monkeys.
I didn’t know what to do.
There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room.
On the bed,
In the dresser,
Hanging from my bookcase.
It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet.
It didn’t work.
It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals.
That worked for awhile, that is, until they began to decompose.
It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but, there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber.
I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds.
I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad.
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable.
I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed and the odor wasn’t improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom.
So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys.
I felt better.
I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates.
I told him I had a wet one.
He couldn’t take it either.
I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution:
I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn’t quite know what to say.
They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying.
Ingrates.
So I punched them in the genitals.
God, I like monkeys.
6 comments June 16th, 2006
Until the end
Here I am, sitting in my living room for the last time ever. Just waiting to be picked up. My room is empty. My stuff is all in boxes. I will never enter this house again and might never see Warrington again (though actually that bit’s quite a nice thought). It took six hours to empty my room, pack and clean up.
And then I get home and I will have nowhere to put all this. No idea what to do with it all. I have two of everything.
And then I need a career. Today is a very strange day. 🙁
6 comments June 13th, 2006
Strangely… Grey?
Look at this:
 
This is the bizarre sight that you get when you come out of my office building. To me, it looks like a giant upside-down rock raspberry. I think it’s keeping all the annoying clients who have filed complaints underneath in some sort of pre-historic world where dinosaurs roam. Like that bit in Tomb Raider… before you realised it was shit.
June 12th, 2006
Poodle Groomin’
I groom lovely Poodles,
I groom them all day long,
And when I get really bored,
I groom them in a thong.
Shampoo in the morning
A trim in the by the light of the moon,
But never groom a poodle dear,
On a sunday afternoon.
It makes ’em rather angry,
grooming them pm,
but if you simple must my dear,
Calm them with m&m’s
The chocolate makes them sleepy,
Their eyes do wilt and droop,
But have some plastic bags ready,
For picking up the poop.
There’s nowt like goomin poodles,
Especially PC repair,
I know sod all about that,
But loads on Poodle Hair!
The morale of this tale,
is not for me to say.
But its the end, go on now leave
and shout Hip hip hooray!
3 comments June 12th, 2006